Late Night Snark: Thugs Run Amok Edition
"Our government used graffiti to justify sending secret police to an American city. … Graffiti? You’re going full-dictator over some graffiti? What's next—are you going to send in Seal Team Six to arrest love-struck teens carving their initials in a tree?"
—Seth Meyers
“Local officials aren’t happy. Oregon Governor Kate Brown complained, ‘We cannot have secret police abducting people in unmarked vehicles. I can’t believe I have to say that to the president of the United States.’ Really? You can’t believe that? Because it’s just one of a long list of other things you shouldn’t have to say to the president of the United States, like 'Frederick Douglass is dead,' 'Don’t inject bleach,’ and ‘You can’t date your daughter.’”
—Stephen Colbert
Continued...
“I’m genuinely jealous of people who live in haunted mansions right now and get to have company over.”
—Conan O'Brien
"Today was Trump's first coronavirus briefing in three months, or as that's known in Trump time: about 82 tell-all books. The press secretary said the briefings will focus on Trump's accomplishments on the virus, so at least they'll be short."
—Jimmy Fallon
"Arizona has the highest infection rate in the country but no mask mandate. But it's not surprising that Arizona would drag its feet to do what’s right. In 1992, it became one of the last states to make Martin Luther King, Jr. Day an official holiday. We know that seems racist, but remember it's a dry hate."
—Samantha Bee
"I'd like to congratulate the president on a milestone. Last week marked the 275th time he visited a golf club since becoming president. It's a wonder that he has any time left to destroy the country."
—Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host George Lopez
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 24, 2020
Note: When wandering in the woods remember: "Leaves of three...rub it all over from head to knee." You can trust me. I'm an Eagle Scout.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Chili Dog Day: 6
Trump's current approval rating in Arizona, according to PPP: 42%
Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey's (R) approval rating in June and today, respectively, according to PPP: 61%, 26%
Percent of registered voters polled by Quinnipiac who believe it will be unsafe to send students to elementary, middle, and high schools in the fall, versus 36% who say it will be safe: 59%
Cost of outfitting a Trump thug with riot gear and a medical worker with personal protective equipment, respectively, according to Harper’s Index: $750 / $11
Percent of Americans who say they believe God is “necessary to be moral or have good values” according to Pew Research: 44%
Percent of Canadians who say belief in God is necessary to be moral: 26%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to, in the esteemed words of Charlie Pierce, the "televised bloodbath on the floor of the House of Representatives." Congressman and high-school hallway bully who never grew up Ted Yoho, Republican from the embarrassed-to-have-him state of Florida, decided that the height of the #MeToo movement would be the perfect time to call one of his female colleagues a "f*cking bitch" on the Capitol steps. After delivering his non-apology ("Hey, I have humanoids with lady parts in my own family, plus Jesus made me do it"), the target of his verbal poison, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, was granted time on the House to not only wipe the smirk off Mr. Yoho's face, but also leave a few of his teeth on the floor:
It's a reminder that AOC is a good speaker. A really good speaker. Like, a super-duper speaker in the House. Yup, that speaker Ocasio-Cortez is really something. Speaker-wise, I mean.
CHEERS to using the ol’ thinking cap. It's already late July, and schools are tearing their collective hair out over how they're going to get back to answering the age-old question: "Is our children learnin'?" President Trump is demanding that all students and teachers stuff themselves in their usual classrooms and pretend like everything's normal so he can get reelected. But since he has about as much authority to exert control over local school districts as he does lifting a glass of water, his mandate has been graded and sent back with a big red F:
As COVID-19 cases rise in most states, the prospect of in-person learning this fall at the country's major school districts is becoming increasingly remote.
As of late Wednesday, 11 of the top 15 school systems by enrollment were already either planning to start the fall semester online or in a hybrid of in-person and online classes, according to Education Week magazine's reopening tracker. Still other top districts have shifted school schedules later, hoping for cases to decline or for teachers and administrators to have more time to plan for the school year.
As back-to-school season approaches, it's highly likely the majority of big districts will start learning remotely while they work out plans for socially distant reopenings, said Annette Anderson, deputy director of the Johns Hopkins Center for Safe and Healthy Schools.
"How cowardly," said Betsy DeVos from her virus-proof safe room.
CHEERS to tearful reunions. On July 24, 1866, Tennessee became the first state to be readmitted to the Union after the War of Southern Traitor Aggression ended. Lamar Alexander and Marsha Blackburn aside, so far it seems to be working out. But don’t get cocky, Volunteer State...you're still on probation.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to future life on our EZ-Bake planet. So, Billeh, how hot is the earth gonna get? Great question! And now we finally have an answer, thanks not only to me, but also to a team of researchers who put their collective climate brains together, wore out their slide rules, nibbled their pencils to the nub, and finally narrowed it down. The good news: not so hot that you’ll be able to set your Thanksgiving turkey out on the sidewalk and cook it. The bad news: hot enough to cook a sidewalk egg faster than your ma’s cast-iron skillet:
Masahiro Watanabe, a professor in the atmosphere and ocean research institute at the University of Tokyo and an author of the report, said that determining an accurate range of temperatures was important for international efforts to address global warming.
“Narrowing the uncertainty is relevant not only for climate science but also for society that is responsible for solid decision making,” he said.
The new paper, published Wednesday in the journal Reviews of Geophysics, narrowed the range of temperatures considerably and shifted it toward warmer outcomes.
The researchers determined that there was less than a 5% chance of a temperature shift below 3.6 degrees, but a 6% to 18% chance of a higher temperature change than 8.1 degrees.
On the bright side, the team says those percentages would instantly flip-flop if someone builds a containment dome over Fox News.
CHEERS to climbing aboard this republic’s crazy train. On Sunday’s date in 1788, New York's delegation ratified the U.S. Constitution in Poughkeepsie. But not before there was a brief conversation in the cloak room:
Delegate 1: Are you sure that we should not insist upon inclusion of some kind of balanced budget amendment in here? For the sake of our union and in the spirit of shared sacrifice, so that nothing is left on or off the table and we may all partake in the bounty of such a grand bargain?
Delegate 2: What, are you nuts? That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No one will ever be so stupid as to try and put that insanity into the Constitution! Whoever makes the attempt is dumb. Dumb, I tell you. Dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumbeth and dumber!
Delegate 1: So, uh, would this be a bad time, then, to bring up amendments banning flag-burning and gay marriage?
Delegate 2: Lay off the grog, kid. You're startin' to weird me out.
After ratification they celebrated by crossing the river and overturning a bunch of carriages in Jersey.
P.S. For old time’s sake…
CHEERS to home vegetation. The entertainment industry is here to entertain you, and here’s some of the wowee zowee excitement on the tube this weekend, starting tonight with Joy (who's on now and wrapping up her first stellar week of The ReidOut), Chris, Rachel and Lawrence buttoning down the Friday news cycle on MSNBC.
Tonight at 8 on CBS, a new series called The Greatest #AtHome Videos premieres, featuring "videos created by everyday people" to avoid insanity during the pandemic. Speaking of videos, new home video releases include restored re-releases of classics Ghost and Clueless, plus whatever the twenty-billion streaming services are spitting out for your amusement.
As for sports, I have only one word: Baseball. Baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball. Spoiler Alert #1: Yankees still suck. Spoiler Alert #2: See Spoiler Alert #1.
And John Oliver wraps up the past seven days with a bow Sunday night at 11 on a new edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight. Other than that? Slim pickins. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
Face the Nation: Speaker Nancy Pelosi; HHS Secretary Alex Azar; Sen Ted Cruz (R-Moscow); former FDA poobah Scott Gottlieb; Atrium Health CEO Eugene Woods.
CNN's State of the Union: Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot (D); Gov. Larry Hogan (R-MD); Rep. Karen Bass (D-CA); Admiral Brett Giroir of HHS; White House economic idiot Larry Kudlow, who said this about the pandemic in February: “We have contained this. I won’t say [it’s] airtight, but it’s pretty close to airtight.” Like I said: idiot.
This Week: TBA
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Former CDC director Dr. Tom Frieden; Foreclosure King Steve Mnuchin.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 24, 2010
JEERS to the idiot who cried "Help!" Oh noes! Five scary black people assaulted and raped a white woman right here in Maine! She said so herself! The police scrambled to catch the terrible, terrible black thugs and haul them off to jail. Parents clutched their children and sirens wailed! The Chief of Police even called a press conference! Just one little problem: it never happened. The woman admitted that she totally made it up. Police say they grew suspicious of her original story when they remembered that Maine doesn’t have five black people.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a real Boy Scout. Three years ago this Sunday, the Boy Scouts of America was in full damage control mode after Trump spoke very inappropriately at a West Virginia Jamboree. He bashed the press, he swore, he threatened to fire a cabinet member standing next to him, he boasted about his electoral college win, he talked about a cocktail party he was at, and of course he talked about the ‘war on Christmas’ (yes, in July). The Scouts apologized for the debacle created by their own “Honorary President,” and you will never see Trump address another BSA gathering again. Meanwhile, please enjoy these reminders of how a real president interacts with Scouts:
I’ll say it for the umpteenth time: Trump acts the way he does because, yes, he’s a psychopath...but he’s also just insanely jealous.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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