I was listening to a podcast on servant leadership, and bam, it hit me. This is what our country is missing—servant leaders. Sure, we have leaders. But no one wants to serve the people, and do what is best for our country, so I’ve decided to share some of my tenets for living with you.
1. Have faith. In these times (and in many times), it’s hard. But I would be very lonely if I didn’t have my church home and my belief system. The early church was often used as a safe haven (and still is) for those being persecuted and harmed. Inside the walls of the “church,” members felt safe and secure. We know all too well that shootings and bombings can happen in places that are supposed to feel safe. But, the bottom line is to have a faith. Believe in something higher than yourself that will help you get through the hard times, and provide you with a gentle ear.
2. Make time for yourself and others. I am the first to admit, that to my detriment, I often put my family, students, children and animals ahead of my needs. And as a woman, let’s face it, the world has come to expect that if something needs fixing, if a doctor’s appointment needs to be made, if the car needs a lube change, if the kids need to see the dentist and then the orthodontist, it usually falls to us (or at least me). I’m confident that after my kids first well visit (when they had just been born), if I hadn’t arranged the next 100+ appointments, my kids would be wild children--“tays in the wind” (Google Nell, with Jodi Foster). Before I go off on a rant about overworked mothers, I advise you not to let yourself to be swallowed whole by whatever beast is out there greedily chewing away at your time. If you need to go to Target (with a mask please, and with social distancing), out for a glass of wine, to try on some shoes or just to take a long car ride, do it. Your family may not get it, but somewhere along the way many of us forgot we were Lizzys (or if my parents were mad, Elizabeth Rachel!!) before we were teachers, wives, mothers and administrative assistants. Being kind to you is often the gift that keeps on giving. And believe me, no one is going to turn to you one day and say, “Hey Mom, remember all those games you took me to, all the years you paid for my fees, washed my uniform before a game and spent a portion of your paycheck on athletic paraphernalia? You’re the best! Thank you.” This gratitude will seldom or ever get acknowledged. They will remember when they had the crappy cleats from Shopko for t-ball. This is a given. Hallmark moments are a sham. They lie to you, so you’ll feel badly that your tree doesn’t have that cozy glow like the one on Candace Cameron’s Hallmark movie (this week) or buy their over-priced cards that your teenager will forget to open when you locate it in laundry a year later. Don’t be mad. Grab that MFing card, tear the heck out of it in order to release some endorphins, smile and head to your favorite wine bar. You more than deserve this, sister.
3. Be kind and remember the Golden Rule. Part of what’s happening in today’s world is that no one is putting others’ first. From our POTUS on down, it seems all to be about self. There is no shame in saying “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong about that. Forgive me.” It took me two years of teaching to realize that kids react much more humanly to someone who treats them with civility and kindness (it shouldn’t have taken me that long, but I never said I was swift). Is it always easy? Oh, hell no! This year I had a pregnant student who was just vile. Really bitter and angry at the world, but I was concerned for her and her unborn child. I tried to make small talk with her about baby names, infant care, and her plans for the future. I wasn’t always successful, but I tried to show her some support throughout her day. And everyone needs to feel worthy. We all need that extra pat on the back that says, “You matter.” “You’re important and loved,” and “Your ideas count for something. They have value.” Pre-masks, I used to smile at everyone. I think my students would think I was goofy. But I told them that I never knew if that was the 10th smile they received that day or the first. Everyone deserves a smile. And particularly in this divisive nation we live in, smiles go farther than shouts. Sometimes shouts are necessary, but as my dear mother used to say, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” So true, mom.
4. Do your best. If you work your ultimate hardest, no one can accuse you of being lazy. Today’s best may look a little different than tomorrow’s, but that’s okay. Sift through the sludge of the day, and locate those diamonds in the rough (or sludge). But, when it’s time to leave, go home. Or, if you work from home, separate work life from home life. It took me years, actually decades, to realize this. It hit me during Covid, to recognize that I was burning out. I was literally running out of steam and patience. I decided in five years (when I can retire) that I may move somewhere warm and green. I always believed in staying in the Midwest for my family. It was great when my parents were living, but my brother (who lived all of five hours away) visited me five times in 20 years, and my husband’s brothers visited two-three times each. So, I’m not sure this is a reason to put up with Wisconsin winters. This isn’t meant to guilt trip anyone, and I am so glad I was near my parents, and my husband is still near his father (who is 90 and doing quite well). But if my kids end up in Hoboken, Grand Forks or Minnetonka, I am not to start looking for real estate there. I love them, but they are grown, and have their own decisions to make and lives to lead. I’m a part of the background. Ultimately, do the best you can for you. Text, Zoom, write letters, call. Stay in touch, and if it happens, it happens. And at work, be your best, but realize you are not Wonder Woman or Superman. I can’t get 200 papers graded in two days. I can’t. I’ll do my best, but at the end of the day, that’s all I can do. That’s all any of us can do. Do your best, but if you come up short, don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow is another day, Scarlet.
5. Love Others: You can love your family, friends and tolerate your co-workers (and vice versa), but you may never understand them (and vice versa). I am definitely the square peg trying to fit into the round hole. Try as I may, I could never fit. I just can’t. Sometimes that made it fun and exotic. Other times it made me cry and was horribly lonely. But that’s okay. For most of us, we are just trying to do our best and trying to get by. Sometimes a basic stranger will offer his cabin to your family because you all look like you could use a break, and other times, the crabby octogenarian will cut in front of you at the Piggly Wiggly. Shit happens. But so does Wonder and Magic. And that basic stranger, who isn’t really a stranger, but a fellow parent (and I’ve also had all his children as students) made that offering out of the goodness of his heart. I was blown away. Showing love and kindness to those you know and don’t, will come back to you threefold. Maybe not right away. But it will. History will not be kind to the haters. History never is. Love. And if you’re lonely, lots of shelter animals could use some love as well. In a town near me, Charlie, has been at the shelter for one year. Come on someone. You need Charlie, and he needs you.
6. Be on time and be prepared. I’m always prepared, but I’m also ALWAYS running late. It’s a horrible habit which tells my co-workers, family members, doctors, coaches and friends that their time isn’t as valuable as mine. I know that’s not what I mean, but that’s how it will be interpreted. I realize lateness can’t always be helped. Life happens. Kids get sick, emergencies come up, car accidents happen. But if you can, be early. That really throws everyone for a loop. In fact, if you can be early, strive for that. And bring treats. That group won’t know what hit them. Not only will they be astonished, but you might get some interesting gossip! At our school meetings, all the comfy chairs are at the front. I don’t want to look like a suck up, but the early birds do get the comfy chairs. That’s a life lesson you can carry to the bank.
7. Laugh a little each day. Smiles and laughter use up more calories than frowns and grimaces. I didn’t just make that up. That’s science. It may be pathetic humor, like laughing at our president who thinks he will be inducted into MENSA for remembering “person, woman, man, camera and t.v.” But it’s better than crying, and throwing a hard object at that expensive plasma t.v. Let’s be honest. There isn’t a lot to laugh at these days. Life pretty much sucks. But as Annie said in my one time favorite musical, Annie, “Gosh darn it, smile.” Smile at others through your masks and find humor. I love MST3K, Schitt’s Creek, Parks and Rec. and even good ole’ Andy Griffith. I adore Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah and Seth Myers. My husband likes watching a show about old movies called, Tired Old Queen at the Movies. It’s hosted by an hysterical guy named Steve Hayes who knows his movies and the uber juicy gossip of Hollywood during its heyday (Sidebar: As some of you who have read other entries know, I have questioned and lamented about my husband sexuality. Why won’t he touch me? Why was all okay before we married? Where is MY Mr. Darcy? Is this one of the nails in the coffin? I really do appreciate the input. My conclusion is that basically he has an awesome sense of humor but is lazy or asexual. Sorry to get off-track). By the way, the show is a hoot. At any rate, whatever makes you smile, and adds some chuckles to your day, can help. Read something funny. Listen to an amusing podcast. Watch something on t.v. or Netflix. Do whatever stretches that funny bone. Our news is oppressive, depressive and not for the faint of heart. But a line from Jim Gaffigan about taking his third nap of the day can be amusing and downright hilarious. And if you haven’t met John Mulaney, you need to. Now. Youtube that hilarious bastard now. You will thank me. He’s adorable. And then we can make jokes about his infamous lines.
8. Be forgiving. I see so much anger and resentment. People are angry. People are mad about wearing masks. Other countries mock us for this, and they should. It’s a MASK. I wear glasses and have asthma, but I will make this work. If it means that the older senior citizen next to me might be kept safe, I’ll do it. Forgiveness is tough. I’ve carried around anger about big, significant things and petty things. Both are exhausting. Back to faith, God wants us to forgive. I might not forget some of the mean things you did to me or others, but I can forgive. In church the other day, my pastor said not to forget that everyone has a backstory. That’s true. I’m not saying that I condone the Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun of Marshall, MN when they wore their swastika masks (they weren’t even fashioned into a clever mask. They were plopped on their heads. And the woman wore an ill-fitting brown (oh, some irony there. Interesting) shirt and kept giving everyone the finger at the local Wal-Mart. But believe it or not, they may have some awful backstory. Or maybe they’re just hateful, and the Price Is Right had just ended. So forgive them (they truly must not know what they do). My dad used to say, “Don’t worry about them, Lizzy. Let God worry about them. You just worry about you.” I hate that dad (and mom) were always right.
No one was a better servant leader than my dad. My mom would concur. He expected a lot, but forgave easily, and when he went to bad at night, he slept soundly because there was never any rancor in his heart. And there could have been. Also, that’s not to say that he was a pushover. He wasn’t. He was pretty strict. But he was also the most loving, gentle and kind man I ever knew. My dad loved me like no other, and I miss him daily. I confused him and confounded him, but he loved me for me. And because of my dad and mom, I am going to work on these tenets. I’m still going to be sarcastic and (hopefully) whimsical. But I’ll keep trying. Love and light to all of you.
As a final comment, my husband and I had our 25th anniversary not long ago. He is not very romantic or clever. Every year he gets me flowers. I adore flowers, so that suits me fine. Interestingly, most of the flowers started showing their brief lifespan within two-three days. But there’s still this perfect pink rose looking right at me. Isn’t that just life? Life has its shiny baubles (that tarnish), gorgeous flowers (that will fade), and yes there will be the occasional thorn. However, there is also that unassuming perfect rose waiting patiently to be noticed. Be the pink rose.
9. Show Integrity: Another area sorrily lacking in today’s world in truth, that is integrity. I might be so bold as to say that some don’t even know what acting with integrity means. Albert Einstein was rather prophetic when he said, “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.” The U.S. has been hit particularly hard with a pandemic for this very reason. First there were fifteen cases, then it was a hoax driven by the democrats, then it would get better and probably be over by April. Now our POTUS is saying, “It will get worse before it gets better.” Imagine where we would be if he had acknowledged that we had a crisis on our hands in March? Integrity is being willing to be wrong. To hear another side of an argument (or several sides) and possibly change direction. Integrity is doing the right thing, and admitting when we don’t.
10. Be a lifelong learner: Integrity plays into this well. Your education shouldn’t stop just because you may have received a diploma. I like to think I am way more “woke” now than I was 20-30 years ago. I hope I learn everyday. I’m not sure I want to spend two hours on how to create a better Zoom classroom, but I better be willing to do so, if I want to keep up with the times and stay hired. Learning keeps us young and vital. I learned so much about the Civil Rights Movement and BLM this past month. I was oblivious to the treatment of my black and brown sisters and brothers. I need to do better. We need to do better. And there is no shame in saying, “I don’t know.” We’ve been served a generous helping of humble pie this past spring and summer, and it would be a shame to come out on the other side of this uninformed. Be open to change and to learning. It isn’t easy. Often it is downright humiliating and frustrating, but if we allow our chance to learn, we’ll be better people for it. And isn’t that what we want? To contribute to something and make the world bettter. I maintain that it is. Read a book. Read the paper. Talk (with a mask on) to a stranger. Talk to your kids. Talk to a colleague or a neighbor.
Hope this helps make your Tuesday a tad more joyous. Thank you for reading. Your comments are always welcome.