Allyship should be a fundamental tenet in progressive (or any) spaces, but what it means to be an ally—much less an effective ally—can feel very abstract. This guide offers some starting points on what is and isn’t allyship, though it is not the final word on what it means to be a good ally; allyship is an ongoing process and will look different depending on the circumstances. A good starting place here is to recognize that we are all allies in one situation or another; if you’re white, you serve as an ally for people of color, for example, and if you’re a citizen of the United States, you’re an ally to undocumented folks. Sometimes people are allies within your own broader community; for example, because I’m gay, heterosexuals are allies to me, but because I’m cisgender, I’m an ally to transgender folks. We can all fulfill both the position of ally and marginalized person—privilege and allyship are not a zero-sum game.
At the bottom of the post, you can check out some YouTube videos that are excellent resources on allyship specific to a few different communities, including the transgender community, Indigenous folks, and people of color. There’s also an excellent video of Kimberlé Crenshaw going over the basics of intersectionality (the concept she coined), which is a great introduction (or refresher) for everyone. And now, 10 basic points on how to be an effective ally.
1. Remember you are not a savior.
Allies serve an important role and can bring a lot to the table, especially when it comes to getting financial resources, moving within bureaucratic systems, and providing industry connections. You can be an excellent ally, but just the act of you showing up, in and of itself, is not going to solve structural inequality. Marginalized people—especially people who have been organizing or community-building for a long time—do not need allies to step in and offer up solutions right off the bat. Part of good allyship means humbling yourself and remembering that even if you’ve learned about an issue, or think you know about a subject, your take and experience do not override that of a person with lived experience.
2. Thank people for sharing.
People don’t owe us additional information, even if you’re asking with the best intentions. This can be true in person to person dialogues, as well as exchanges online. Having a lively and engaged community is a big part of what makes a site like Daily Kos so special, but recognizing the line between engagement and labor in dialogue is an important part of allyship.
For example, you likely have the best intentions in asking a writer or content creator to further explain (or even argue) their point to you in the comments section. But asking for more than what people offer—especially if they’re marginalized creators, or people covering emotionally intense subjects—can be draining on the original poster. If you read something and really want more, that’s great. But it might mean you need to seek out other sources on your own and find your own answers; while we might not consciously ask marginalized folks to provide more and more labor, allyship is about impact, not intent. Especially when it comes to sensitive or personal topics, boundaries are hugely important in preventing burnout. It’s also important to remember that even if you have the best intentions, many people do not, and marginalized folks come up against bad faith arguments both in real life and online. A good form of allyship can look like honoring the labor boundaries people live by.
Here’s an example: A Black woman shares her experience of dealing with a racist co-worker. Commenters asking additional questions may want more insight, details, or framing to “understand” the situation as a whole, but such questions require even more emotional labor on the sharer’s part and can come across as minimizing and investigative. Prodding for more details can make people feel they’re being put on the defensive. It can even feel like a form of gaslighting or victim-blaming.
The solution? Get in the habit of thanking people for sharing. It can be as simple as saying: “Thank you for sharing your experience, I am so sorry that happened to you,” or “Thanks for sharing your story!” or “Thank you for trusting this community with your story.”
3. Accept that you are not at the center of every situation.
Yes, your feelings definitely matter—everyone's do. But when it comes to allyship, it’s important to remember that the marginalized folks around you are not responsible for managing your emotions or coddling you. This can happen when it comes to organizing community protests, having a classroom discussion, or even chatting online. Part of allyship involves digesting new information—even information that might make you feel guilty or called out—without leaning on marginalized people to make you feel better about it. This mindset can be particularly important when it comes to facing high-concept issues like structural oppression, white privilege, socioeconomic privilege, and colonization, among others.
This is also an important moment to point out that not everything you do needs to be shared on social media. Social media is not a bad thing in itself, and it’s perfectly normal to share new experiences or things you enjoy. But sharing evidence of what a good ally you’ve been can feel like a performance, especially if you gain social capital from it. Instead of centering yourself, you can always use your online presence to promote the cause overall, specific marginalized people (or their works, etc.) who personally inspire you—promoting their fundraising efforts and so on.
4. Take a break from the conversation.
On the internet, you can always opt out of a conversation. When a topic gets heated, that’s obviously easier said than done, but it can be done. If you truly do not understand someone else’s point, it’s okay to close the tab and metaphorically (or literally) walk away. In spaces where the community is especially active and encouraged (like here at Daily Kos), you might want to let someone know what you’re doing. This can be as simple as saying, “I am going to pause from this exchange and will think about what you shared,” or, “I am going to read the links you suggested before I return to this, thank you.” You can even say, “This exchange is feeling heated for me, so I am stepping away.”
The desire to be “right” in a conversation is tempting, but it can be really destructive when it comes to fostering a safe space. Even if you have the best intentions, sometimes allyship means recognizing the impact you’re having on someone else or the community at large, and that your desire to “win” an exchange can result in someone else’s distress. The internet will be here when you get back.
5. Actively reference and cite people who are not like you.
This doesn’t mean you need to read loads of academic texts to be an ally (though you certainly can); rather, it means that the sources and people you immediately consider valid, nuanced, or the best are not the only experts or examples in the whole world. If you’re learning about psychology, for example, and all of your references are white, cisgender males, you might lose a lot of nuance and perspective that comes from women of color mental health professionals or openly transgender counselors.
Referencing and centering marginalized folks also helps scholars, educators, and community figures gain more prominence in the cultural conversation that they’ve systemically been left out of. This is a long-term effort toward dismantling structural oppression.
6. Do your own research.
Do not rely on other people to share their sources, and even more so, don’t ask others to summarize them for you. If you feel confused about emotional labor, for example, do not press on women of color to explain the concept. If someone is kind enough to share a link or recommend a book, for example, take that as a cue to actually engage with the text (or whatever medium is accessible to you).
Admitting you do not know something is completely fine and normal. But the next step in allyship is actually making efforts to learn about that thing, and not waiting for a marginalized person to sum it up for you. Doing your own research also means you can offer that information to other allies, which lightens the labor of marginalized folks.
7. Make sure your actions are as loud as your words.
Donating to community funds, bail relief efforts, and mutual aid is both important and obvious. Of course, not all actions have to be monetary. Taking action can be signing online petitions, sharing links, or providing mentorship or resources. Though the pandemic obviously means in-person gatherings are put on hold, actions as an ally can also mean making yourself useful and available as support instead of taking the center stage. At a meeting, for example, a white person can show allyship by doing background tasks, like getting drinks and snacks for the group or taking attendance, while people of color focus on speaking and running discussions.
Here at Daily Kos, taking action can be as simple as rec’ing a diary from a marginalized person or on a subject that doesn't get nearly enough attention in general. Leaving a positive comment—even if you’re just thanking someone for sharing, as mentioned before—can help balance negativity, as well as foster a sense of welcome. And of course, countering bad allyship in the comments or on social media can reduce the poster or commenter’s burden.
8. Don’t wait for others to tell you how to show up.
Asking people of a marginalized group how you can show up for them might feel like you're taking a step as an ally, but it actually creates more work for whoever it is you’re asking. Now, that person might give you ideas or be willing to chat about it; everyone is different, and people have different levels of trust and communication. But that doesn’t mean you should slide into a person’s inbox and ask them to do your work for you. And if someone does provide you with their intellectual or emotional labor (or has in the past), you can always offer them payment for their effort.
So, what can you do? Google it! You can find community groups, demonstrations, donation lists, books to promote, and more. You can also use social media to find groups. Once people get to know you as a reliable ally and not a savior, you may gain more connections and a closer circle. Trust is earned, and part of allyship is being patient.
9. Be willing to apologize.
Sometimes you have the absolute best intentions, and you still make mistakes. Maybe you offend someone with what you meant to be a joke. Maybe you shared information you believed to be true but was actually a harmful stereotype. Maybe you wanted to take the backseat but still talked over others. Maybe you want your transgender neighbor to feel comfortable but you still blurted out the wrong pronouns. The simplest solution? Apologize and don’t do it again. (The caveat here is that people have the right, of course, to feel upset, and you apologizing doesn’t guarantee they will forgive you. Accepting that too is part of being an ally.)
10. Be consistent, and keep trying.
Allyship is not a checklist. Even this article is not exhaustive—in fact, it’s far from it. What matters is showing up and trying on a regular basis, even if it’s behind the scenes, and even if you don’t get applause for it. Allyship will likely look different for everyone, and especially in different situations; staying flexible and being willing to listen and learn is fundamental. Even if we feel bad about it, or guilty, allies do benefit from structural oppression in one way or another, and these systems are designed not to fall. That’s why being an ally involves showing up again, and again, and again.
Here are some great resources on allyship, courtesy of YouTube.
In our Making Progress series, we also talked to Alicia Garza, co-founder of Black Lives Matter, about what to do if you support a progressive cause but not its tactics, as well as educator Prairie Rose Seminole, a citizen of the Three Affiliated Tribes of ND and descendant of the Sahnish/Arikara, Northern Cheyenne, and Lakota Nations, about how to be a good ally to Native communities.
What do you think effective allyship looks like? In what ways have good allies shown up for you or your community? What do you wish you would see more of from allies?
