Often unfairly derided as a primitive species riddled with encephalophagous parasites, incapable of even the crude conceptual advances characteristic of proto-humans, such as "Fire bad," Homo republicanus in fact exhibits a striking affinity for subtle paradoxes, rivaling the facility of quantum physicists, Zen masters, or meth-addled time travelers.
The following examples of concise but logically baffling profundity have been gleaned from a range of GOP archaeological sources, including ossuaries, cave paintings, and mummified scraps of garments, presumably mostly skull coverings and thoracic wraps.
- Only the tyranny of Trump can save us from tyranny.
- Our cities must burn under Trump to prevent our cities from burning.
- This statement is a lie. No, really, you can trust me, I'm lying.
- It's fine to reject facts as they are, as long as you tell it like it is.
- Allowing Americans to forfeit their lives to a deadly disease is the only way to stop panicky Americans from risking their lives.
- If a tree explodes in a forest, it makes the sound of one hand clapping.
- Trump has no choice but to rig the election in order to prevent the election from being rigged.
- After making America great again, the only remaining challenge is to make America great again again.
- It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees, unless you have bone spurs. Then it's better for someone else to die on his feet.
- Trump is the wisest of men, because he knows only that everyone else knows nothing.
- The best people quit and write nasty tell-all books because they are the worst people.
- It's racist to claim that racism is racist, but it's not at all racist to claim that it's racist to claim that racism is racist.
- Although Trump's head has finite volume, his hair has infinite surface area.
- Only tax cuts for the rich can save the economy and prevent us from having to implement more tax cuts for the rich.
- “Who is at State?” “Yes.” “I mean the fellow’s name.” “Who.” “The guy at State.” “Who.” “I wanna know what’s the name of the Secretary of State!” “No, What is at Defense.” “I don’t know!” “He’s at Energy.”
- The best way to keep your promises is to break them, because then you can make them again.
- Trump's lifetime of screwing over the little guy makes him the ideal champion of the screwed-over little guy.
- Bankruptcies are really succeeding at failing rather than failing at succeeding.
One might summarize this entire incongruous catechism by paraphrasing the "Ode to Alcohol" of Homer Simpson, a household deity in the H. republicanus pantheon:
Ah, Trump: The cause of, and solution to, all our problems!
