First off, a disclaimer. I’m an introvert. An extreme introvert. In fact, I am probably about as far on the spectrum for introversion as you can get.
I wept as a young child when I found out lighthouse keepers were probably going to be nonexistent by the time I was old enough to have to find a job. I wept again as an adult when my bad knee made it impossible to work as a fire tower lookout. And I wept thousands of times throughout my working years from the endless strain of having to go to work and be around people every single working day when all I’ve ever wanted in life, more than anything in the entire world, was to be at home, by myself, in peace and quiet (just fyi, I’ve since retired so I’m finally living my lifelong dream and it’s EVERYTHING I ever imagined it would be, so hallelujah, I’m free, I’m free at last — for the most part anyway :-) :-) and I’m trying not to even think about things like old folk’s homes and nursing homes and having to go to a common dining room for every meal and maybe having to share a room with only a curtain around my bed for privacy and ...oh, god, kill me now)
Second, this is my very first diary, so please forgive any stumbles in clarity, grammar, punctuation, syntax, spelling…….
And third, well, I’ll tell you the third thing closer to the end of the diary….
(Ok, big breath, and….GO)
I really, really debated with myself about writing this diary because, well, I’m an introvert (and an extreme introvert), and introverts just don’t like putting themselves “out there”.
I didn’t feel one iota of need to write a diary when my oldest beloved dear-heart kitty companion died (although I understand other people’s need to do so, and I grieve with every last one of them), and I didn’t feel the least bit compelled to write a diary about Canadian healthcare even though a prominent and much respected KOS member encouraged me to do so because of a comment I’d made on the subject that she thought was worthy of a diary (while I really appreciated her support and encouragement, I completely shriveled at the mere thought of putting myself “out there” with an entire diary -- and on such an important topic — what if I made a mistake and said something that was incorrect or untrue? what if I couldn’t answer people’s questions? what if people thought I was just being passive-aggressive re: the American system? how well would I cope if someone said something disagreeable or nasty to me for some/any reason? why would anyone want to hear what I had to say? why would anyone on an American forum want to read about “this is how we do it in Canada” (oh, stfu already Canada, yeah, we get it, you have whoop-de-do socialized healthcare, whatever, we know, and we’re working on it, so just back off already a’right)? sure, a short comment on just one tiny aspect of a given subject is one thing, but a whole diary on an entire system?? and so on, all a very introverted way of overthinking lol)
We introverts have a very low threshold for (and therefore don’t want) a lot of social interaction. And we certainly don’t like taking risks in social situations, especially social situations where we don’t know everyone VERY well, or social situations involving a LOT of people (although, for us, even just being in the presence of ONE person, depending on the person involved, can feel like “a LOT of people”).
We are easily overwhelmed in social situations, especially new or different social situations, or where we don’t know everyone, or when there are a lot of people, or where we get put on the spot, or where we are the center of attention, or where we weren’t expecting to be in a social situation in the first place, or where we weren’t able to be thoroughly prepared for the social situation — so, yeah, we are overwhelmed by pretty much most/every social situation.
We struggle to cope with all the sensory input that comes from being in physical proximity to other people, especially a LOT of other people (by comparison, introverts absolutely LOVE all the restrictions that came with covid - the social distancing, the no public gathering, the working from home, etc, etc - because it took a ginormous load off our backs in our daily struggle to live in an extrovert-centric world and we’re really, really sad to see those restrictions go).
We struggle to manage or block out or prioritize the various streams of information that come in when more than one person around us is talking at a time.
We need time to discern and understand all the “tones” and other verbal nuances present in social exchanges (and which might also change the meaning of information being dispersed) as well as read and understand all the physical body language that’s present (and it’s always present).
We are easily overwhelmed by all the visual and auditory “action” that might be going on in the environment all around the social interaction (I’ve never been to Las Vegas, but I’m pretty sure it’s my idea of straight up hell - just walking through a small town carnival with all its relatively low-key bells and whistles and flashing lights and people and barkers on all sides can feel like trying to swim through thirty foot waves in the midst of a hurricane).
And while we are trying to manage all the information/stimuli overload that occurs whenever we are in social situations, especially large social situations, noisy social situations, and so on, we are also constantly having to deal with knowing we will be expected to respond appropriately and in a timely (i.e. immediate) manner to others, as well as respond in a coherent and “friendly” manner - which means we definitely can’t be abrupt or taciturn (and especially not if we’re female) - and, god forbid if we should find ourselves unable to say anything at all (because we’re still trying to process information from several topics ago), PLUS we’re also expected to respond in a way that will extend and expand the current conversation for everyone else rather than bringing it to a screeching and totally awkward, embarrassing halt. All of which we pretty much fail at miserably, at least some or much of the time, if not all of the time, and it all just adds to our discomfort and stress and rabid dislike of social interactions. Because we just really, really, really suck at it.
In my mid-thirties (i.e. not a kid) I was once at a small and quiet house party (sooo, not such a terrible situation for an introvert, right?) but I only knew ONE other person (and they’d left me to go talk to someone else so they weren’t with ME) and so I stood where I was in the kitchen, frozen to the spot, and ate every last slice of red peppers off every single snack platter rather than talk to ANYONE — can’t talk mumble mumble eating…
What was I thinking, you ask? It was probably went something like this: aaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! getmeoutofheregetmeoutofheregetmeoutofhere aaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!.
At other parties or get-togethers I would latch onto the nearest book case and just start reading. It didn’t matter what book or magazine or periodical or map or spreadsheet of all the home owners’ monthly expenditures I’d grabbed — can’t talk mumble mumble reading…
And, yeah, I seemed totally awkward and weird to everyone around me but in truth I was absolutely terrified, a blinded deer in the headlights, a drowning fish out of water and I really didn’t know what else to do (sure, hiding in the bathroom was always an option, but what if there was only ONE bathroom???).
(And just FYI, being introverted is NOT the same as being shy or having social anxiety, although it may appear to be the same. And that’s not to say that an introvert may not also — just like any other segment of the population — be also shy or have social anxiety.)
The few times I ever did try to reach out and start or join a conversation at parties, “looks” would be exchanged between other’s present because I was still just every bit as awkward and weird as that total weirdo at that one party who stood in the kitchen and ate every. single. piece. of sliced red pepper off every. last. plate. while completely ignoring everyone.
(Remember when Ivanka butted into a discussion of important world issues by a group of heads of state, doing her best impersonation of “I’m a pampered over-indulged precocious-5-year-old wannabe and my daddy lets me stay up late to ALL the big people’s parties because he says I’m the prettiest and smartest little girl in the whooole wide world who knows all about everything so I’m going to tell you all about everything in my little precocious-5-year-old wannabe voice because I can see daddy’s watching - Hiii daddy! *waving* look at me over here being smart and pretty and important with all the big people!” and the looks that were being exchanged between all those heads of states? Yeah….it was like that. I may be a complete social ignoramus, but I am not stupid).
We also find social interactions very, very draining which makes us very susceptible to transitioning very quickly into a state of utter exhaustion (whereas extroverts are energized by social interactions, and quite often the noisier and more crowded and more flamboyant the situation is, the more buoyed up they become).
But social situations don’t have to be big flamboyant affairs for us to suffer or feel our energy very rapidly draining away. Social interactions that can cause us to fall quickly into dark zero-energy despair can be as simple as that one next door neighbour who wants to chat every. single. time. we go out to pull weeds or sit quietly in the back yard with a book or mow the lawn or fill the bird feeder or take out the garbage or walk to our car…..
Yeah, we just don’t do well in social situations.
But we introverts do get energized, and are able to fill up our personal inner well of strength by being alone with ourselves, and being quiet and reflective — or sometimes just by taking a nap, even if we don’t actually sleep (and also alone thank you very much, so just bugger off) -- in whatever precious time we do manage to carve out for ourselves to spend in solitude.
We also know we need to try and save our energy for the important social interactions in our lives, and not waste that precious, easily depleted stock of social energy on mundane, superficial interactions because it is not always easy, in our busy lives and busy world, to find the precious time we need in which to be alone and recharge our energy stores.
Introverts experience all of life internally (rather than externally as extroverts do). And to be able to do that we also need buckets of time to be able to run everything through our own internal mechanisms (as opposed to extroverts who talk absolutely everything through with others - oh, SO much talking!). We need time to quietly pick things apart — by ourselves! -- and hold them up to the light and check their underside and truly decide the importance or possible function or effect of the thing in both our lives AND the bigger world around us. We’re very much aware of how one simple idea or exchange can affect a multitude of other things, and we need time to think all that through. We need time to let everything marinate and percolate and settle in, as we look at all the angles and dig deep into its guts and roooll it around in our minds, and check how our body responds to it, and how our heart feels about it, before we are able to even begin deciding if we trust it or not, agree with it or not, believe it’s important or not, want to make it part of our lives or not, think it will work or not, and so on. And all without telling anyone we’re even thinking about it. It’s only when we’re DONE with all of the above that we might -- but usually not — even mention to someone else a very small part of all that we went through.
So we’re really not interested in unimportant, superficial exchanges, and we’re no good at (and pretty much detest) small talk, shallow conversations, the discussion of unimportant minutia, the sharing of personal details with people we hardly know, or even just being expected to express whatever fluff might be in our brains at any given moment around any given subject. It’s not that we don’t have a lot of the same thoughts as extroverts — yeah, yeah, the game was great and that shot in the final two minutes was awesome blah blah blah — it’s just that we don’t see the need, and seldom have any desire to share those thoughts or go into them any further with others, they’re fine right where they are rolling around with all our millions of other thoughts.
But that also means we have an awful lot on our plates just dealing with and managing all the usual, so-called “normal” social interactions that pretty much everyone is exposed to and forced, like it or not, to be a part of every single day. Like ALL the many, many little (and sometimes larger) interactions that take place with colleagues and customers and bosses at work, and with clerks and random strangers while out running errands, and with our neighbours (even just in passing), and with our kids’ teachers and coaches and daycare staff, not to mention all the other, extra and unforeseen interactions that inevitably come up like dealing with the plumber, or the stranger at the door trying to sell something (another great covid relief was not having any of those folks this past year), or just that one random homeowner who might be out in their yard at the same time we are putting a “Save Our Parks” flyer in their mailbox (sure, it’s just a “Hi, hot day”, but it’s still an interaction, and we can literally FEEL our energy plummet).
Even our own dearest friends and family members, whom we LOVE, can easily — and without even trying — wear us to the bone (we definitely don’t want them to just drop by without warning, and we don’t care if it is Nana on the phone, we’re NOT answering it, she knows perfectly well how to text or email and we’ve TOLD her a thousand times that’s the best way to reach us) because social interactions of any kind just wear us out. It’s no wonder that even just the thought of any additional social interactions make us want to run screaming to the nearest deep, dark hole to crawl into!
But, alas, we DO live in an extrovert-centric world (or at least it’s that way in this very small corner of the world) where the rules and systems and expectations and rewards ARE created BY and FOR extroverts. Which makes it not so very different, in a lot of ways, for introverts trying to survive and thrive in an extrovert-centric society than it is for women trying to survive and thrive in a male-centric society. Or for LGBQT++ trying to survive and thrive in a hetero-centric world. Or for POC trying to survive and thrive in an caucasian-centric world. And etc.
There probably isn’t an introvert alive who hasn’t experienced or witnessed the discrimination inherent in extrovert-centric workplaces (or other situations of merit/reward) where the hard work, skills, and contributions of quiet introverts are often completely overlooked for the second rate but self-tooting-horns of more ebullient colleagues. Or how a quiet introvert, uncomfortable with joining office antics (and/or other group functions), or just preferring to keep to themselves, gets labeled cold, stuck up, weird, even creepy.
And all introverts have work place colleagues and/or other acquaintances (and sometimes even “friends”) who don’t understand introversion and insist it’s not good to be alone (EVER, apparently), that the introvert absolutely must date more, get out more, socialize more, get more involved, join a team, join a book club, start volunteering, get out of their shell, go to a party, grow a thicker skin, meet me and my friends for lunch, let me set you up with this guy/girl I know, etc etc etc, while we introverts cringe and shudder and say no thanks and try to explain being introverted to them YET again (yes, yes, we KNOW they mean well, but how many times can you explain it, and why don’t they ever believe you when you do??)
And then there are closer personal relationships. Many introverts can’t cope with having friends who want to talk or text or get together on a frequent basis (and “frequent” varies for all of us, I’m pretty happy with just once or twice a year per friend, while other introverts can handle more) or having more than just a few (or just ONE) friends (and preferably those few friends are also all good friends so the introvert can be assured of knowing a substantial enough percentage of people at their friends’ social functions in those rare, rare moments when they finally give in to social pressure/expectations and attend). And that of course means there will also always be people who feel hurt or angry or who just don’t understand when the introvert isn’t able to spend anywhere near as much time with them as they would like, or they reach out and then feel they’re being personally rejected when the introvert doesn’t respond back, or doesn’t respond back quickly enough because they just. don’t. have. any more squares left on their ability-to-socialize energy calendar at that moment.
Romantic relationships can also suffer for many of the same reasons, one partner wanting to go out a lot while the other only ever wants to just stay home, or one partner really needs some solitude just when the other one really needs their presence, or one needs to be able to go to their own bedroom every night and the other is more or less hard wired (as many people are) that couples are supposed to sleep together!, and so on.
Anyway, I decided to get out of my comfort zone and out onto a limb by writing this diary, because I’ve run across something that kind of blew me away as I’ve never run into it before, or certainly not to this extreme, and I certainly never expected to see it here on KOS, and I want to hear what other members of this community might have to say about introversion…
And that would be the “third” thing I mentioned at the very start of the diary.
I very recently became part of a shocking exchange here on KOS with another member, and I think the most shocking part is that I never expected to see such blatant ignorance or cruelty here.
I won’t go into all the details that started the exchange, or the entirely unrelated diary where the exchange took place, but I will say that it all started when I pointed out to this person that, in his/her comment, he/she was not considering all the people that might not be able to, or definitely wouldn’t want to, or would in no way feel comfortable enough to bring themselves to engage in the type of social interaction that he/she was prescribing people should do in order to address the type of situation being described in the diary (he/she also seemed to be suggesting that if people didn’t partake of this particular interaction then they weren’t being “great” people, which also bothered me).
I used introverts as an example for him/her of the many people (introverts make up as much as 40% of the population) who might not be able to do, or wouldn’t want to do, or wouldn’t feel comfortable doing, etc, what he/she was suggesting. But I could have also used (and did, later in the exchanges) examples like people with social anxiety, or agoraphobia, or who were sick or bedridden, or were coping with a mental illness, or who were on the autistic spectrum, and any number of other situations.
There were other issues with his/her prescribed course of action as well, but I won’t go into them as my comments to him/her about THAT didn’t get the same horrible, continuous, insistent push-back that bringing up introverts did!
So I tried - I really, really tried - to explain that introversion (and the same goes for extroversion) is genetic and something you’re born with. The quality of nurturing (or lack of it) that you receive as an infant and child can temper introversion (or extroversion) to be less (or more) extreme, but you’ll never not be an introvert (or extrovert).
And based on introversion being genetic, I wrote some of his/her words to me BACK to him/her inserting “gay” instead of the assumed “introvert” (but I could also have used Black, or disabled, or autistic, or anything else that a person has no choice over). Well, that didn’t work at all. He/she just took great offense that I had used “gay” (but still no understanding that he/she had been saying those things about me/introverts), because he/she “loves gays” and would “never” say that about them (but, apparently, me/introverts are totally fair game).
So I provided examples from my own life that I thought might help him/her understand introversion, but that was a mistake as it just provided lots of personal information about myself that was then, sadly, twisted and slung back as ammo :-(
I just didn’t know how to, and was completely unable to break through to this other member that being introverted is NOT something I can “CHANGE”, it does not make me a bad person (or a bad neighbour), it’s not that I am “CHOOSING” to be this way, or that I hate other people, it’s not a fault or weakness of my character, it’s not a selfish refusal on my part to “DO BETTER”, it’s not a case of my needing to “GET THICKER SKIN” or “COME OUT OF (MY) SHELL”, it’s not me wanting to just “BLAME OTHERS FOR ALL (MY) PROBLEMS, or that “(I) HAVE A CHIP ON (MY) SHOULDER”, and nor is it that I’m not “TAKE(ING) CONTROL OF (MY) LIFE”!
And as for WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE ON KOS IF YOU WANT TO BE ALL ALONE SO MUCH?, well, I’m here, firstly, because I needed to hear from like-minded folks in the U.S. during the Trump years so I could take some comfort that maybe all was not lost, and, second, I stayed because it’s a progressive site (and I’m a progressive) and it contains a lot of other information about the U.S. in particular that I find important to know, and, third, introverts are pretty ok with written exchanges that give us time to consider information and think everything through before responding, whereas WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I OR ANYONE ELSE HAS TO SAY ABOUT HOW YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, well, I care because I really, really want you to understand that this is NOT something I (or any other introvert) chooses, it’s something we’re born as, and it’s NOT ok to judge or demean or ridicule what being introverted entails because it is what it is and not due to a personal fault or weakness, nor is it ok to say things like it’s MY FAULT if it’s caused any struggles in my life or any of the other equally terrible things that were said. (Quotation marks in these last two paragraphs are for words used by this person regarding ME as an introvert, all the rest is short hand/approximation of what else was said — and there was so, so much more of it…)
The one thing that really, really stuck in my craw went something like this : I hope your neighbors don’t feel like you do or they might not be there for you if you ever need them some day. And the reason it really bothered me so much is because (in addition to inferring I wasn’t a good neighbour because I’m an introvert - which simply isn’t true btw) it’s the old (SO old): Whatever you are — fill in the blank - that someone else may not like or understand is your own choice/fault and if they aren’t there for you when you need them you brought it on yourself. Oh. Lord.
This last one actually made me cry (and none of the other things that were said did, I just found them to be incredibly shocking and offensive and, if anything, they just made me angry). But I think this one comment hurt the way it did because a lot of introverts — and many, many other people too — who live all alone, or who don’t have a lot, or any, interactions with family/friends/people who care about them or show an interest in them, really DO wonder, all the time, if anyone would notice in time (or even care) if they got into trouble and needed help.
And the NUMBER ONE concern for people like me (and a LOT of other people who live alone with few, if any, interactions with others) is what will happen to our beloved pets if we die in their home and no one notices or bothers to check on us for a very, very long time. Because we KNOW we don’t have frequent interactions with people that would allow others to know pretty quickly if something went wrong, and we KNOW we aren’t physiologically capable of having those frequent interactions with others even when/if the opportunities to do so are there, and we’ve all heard stories of people not being discovered dead in their homes for weeks, or even months (and sometimes years!), and, yeah, some of those people had pets depending on them. And none of us want to even imagine the suffering that took place for those pets, NOR do we know how to protect our own pets from having that ever happen to them. In other words, that constant worry, that threat, that fear in our lives (and it is a constant worry for many of us, and not just introverts), and then to hear it being tossed off so casually in such a passive-aggressive sucker punch, well, that just cut this introvert to the bone.
Anyway, at some point in this really difficult, offensive exchange - which went on, back and forth, for a couple of days - I just stopped reading any more of this member’s comments as it seemed so utterly pointless and was definitely taking a toll.
I’m still in shock (and angry, and did I mention shocked?), and I KNOW I didn’t handle it very well each and every step of the way (I lost my temper, eventually, and said some things) and this person probably still thinks their opinion/ignorance is all right in the world and that I’m the total asshole, but here we are.
And so I wrote this diary because I really, really wanted to know if other people here on KOS are also still so completely unaware of people like me i.e. introverts (and that’s not to ignore all the other people who also have difficulty with social interaction — and they are legion — but this diary is specifically about introverts as that is where my own personal experience lies).
And now my questions for this community are:
- Did you know that introverts make up as much as 40% (and some have said as much as 50%) of the population?
- Did you think an introvert could become an extrovert if they wanted to, maybe if they just tried harder, if they stopped being such a stick in the mud, if they grew a thicker skin, if they’d just put themselves out there more, etc etc - OR did you already know that introversion/extroversion is genetic and with a person for life, AND that we’re just FINE the way we are (even extreme cases like me), regardless of our extrovert-centric world? Ok, that’s probably several questions, but do your best :-)
- Are you, or have you ever been aware of, an introvert who’s been discriminated against, or in some way punished, or made fun of, or not understood, or overlooked at work (or school or elsewhere), etc, etc, simply because of being an introvert and not more outgoing?
Thank you in advance for all your responses!
P.S. Please don’t ask me any questions about this other member or my exchange with them. I don’t want to out them, I’d rather just let them sit in the juices of their ignorance and stubbornness and cruelty and hope they “choose” to reconsider all the information I tried to give them (and I do understand there were many crossed wires in our exchanges, and that I may not have always understood everything he/she said either, but the gist was pretty clear).
And now, for all you introverts (and extroverts) here are some memes about introverts to make you laugh … (and I really do hope you take a peek, because they are FUNNY - and spot on :-)
And a big thank you to Horsefeathers, for the cutie patootie picture at the top of the diary that I scooped from the KOS public picture library :-) :-)
Be well <3
UPDATE: Oh, dear lord, the comments, and the recs, and did I mention the comments?? Thank you, thank you all, I never in a million years imagined I’d get even one hit, let alone THIS many. And I promise to reply to all of you, you all have so many wonderful, intuitive, expressive, personal, heartfelt, kind, sharing things to say, to me AND to each other - thank you! But now I have to go feed the poor, other cat (who has been patiently doing the telepathic mind thing on me for, I think, HOURS. And I’m pretty peckish myself. Plus my wretched arthritic computer neck is killing me — and I think my laptop is actually overheating (it’s been a very warm day), because it’s doing some really weird stuff — is overheating even a thing for laptops?? Should I be worried??? Thank you again, I’ll be back as soon as I can to finish reading, and replying, to all of your wonderful, wonderful comments (INTROVERTS UNITED!!! YEAH, MF’ers!!! sssshh, way too loud! oh, sorry!) but it might not be until tomorrow, it’s getting pretty late here! Thank you!!
Update: I’ve edited here or there. Some of you may have noticed the caption under Horsefeather’s floating Andy has changed from time to time :-) But I promise I have not changed the meaning of anything I intended to convey in the diary, and that any edits are only for the sake of clarity and/or clarification (one should not write so as to be understood, one should write so as to not be misunderstood — various forms of this saying have been attributed to a number of people going all the way back to at least around the time of Christ, and I take it to heart).
