2020 has come to an end. It’s safe to say it was one hell of a year. I remember my last day of school. I was sitting in my Sophomore English class waiting for the bell to ring. The Vice Principle announced over the loudspeakers that teachers should bring their computers and school supplies home in case the school is to be shut down due to the new Corona Virus spreading around the world. We all laughed and joked about an extended spring break, but we didn’t realize that day when we walked out the gates that it was for the last time.
Since then my family and I have practiced safe social distancing and kept our circle very small. Recently I have been hanging out with my two best friends, we only saw each other. My dad has been working and I have begun working for him as well. We take this pandemic very seriously. Unfortunately, this Sunday, things started to go downhill. My dad began experiencing symptoms of COVID-19, then one of my best friends, then me. We all got tested.
We all thought we had contracted a cold, but my dad's test results, unfortunately, proved otherwise. We are still waiting for my results to come in, but I am experiencing some pretty unpleasant symptoms.
What a great start to the new year.
I wanted to use my platform here to document my experience.
On Tuesday, December 29, 2020, I was experiencing just a small cough. My temperature was higher than normal but I didn’t have a fever. I fluctuated from 97-99 degrees all day. We didn’t think much of it since I get sick around this time every year and it is typically the flu.
Later that day my dad and I were sitting at the dining room table and he asked me if I was feeling okay because he wasn’t. Immediately, I knew we were both sick. We called and scheduled two COVID tests for Wednesday.
By Wednesday we both felt fine and truly believed we didn’t have COVID and we all just had a little head cold. Regardless, we stayed home until we got our results. As of right now, 11:45 am, I have not gotten my results back, but my dad has tested positive. I feel pretty confident that I have it as well.
At around 3 am I woke up in a lot of pain. I had a migraine and my muscles were cramping. I didn’t think much of it because my bed is pretty uncomfortable, but it continued to get worse. Then I began to sweat but I was cold. By the time I woke up my legs, hips, neck, jaw, ears, eyes and shoulders was in severe pain. Soon after I gave up on falling back asleep my dad walked into my room and announced that his test had come back positive.
Immediately, my stomach dropped. My heart began to race and my body started to ache even more. I felt empty as if I had lost someone important. I don’t know why I reacted this way, but it’s been hours now and I still feel as if I am grieving a loss. Quite frankly, I am terrified. I am terrified for my grandparents, for my dad, for my mom, for me. I am young and I could live with the effects of COVID for the rest of my life. Right now, not only am I being drowned in guilt, but also despair, pain, and anxiety.
My mom is currently taking my grandparents to get tested. I spent months living in their condo with them. I did school from their extra room. I ran errands for them, I put their safety before my mental health, before my physical health, before school. And now I have let them down. While there is no way to know 100% who got COVID first, I feel responsible. And I know that I should not blame myself. I know that I didn’t intentionally get sick. But I know that if they have it, if anyone dies, their blood will be on my hands, stained for the rest of my life. Whether it was my fault or not, I feel responsible.
My grandparents and mom went to the hospital a few hours ago, my grandpa tested positive. I don’t want to say too much about them. But, as I wrote earlier today, I feel completely responsible. My grandma surprisingly tested negative which is amazing news. My mom most likely has it but she doesn't have her results back.
I keep reminding myself the only way I’ll get through this is by taking it one day at a time. So, I’m going to document each day of my experience with COVID and maybe one day this series will be one of many that I show to my children in the future when they ask about 2020 and COVID.
It is 5:30 pm right now. My chest hurts and I’ve been coughing a little bit. My dad and I are keeping our distance from each other and wearing masks. Suki has not left my side all day. I can still taste and smell, I still have an appetite and no fever. I feel pretty good today, but my anxiety is skyrocketing.
Stay safe everyone!