Dear Justice Kavanaugh:
I have one word for you: “boof.” Do you know what that means? I don’t, I had never heard it before your confirmation hearing.
Here is a direct quote from your high school yearbook: “Judge—Have You Boofed Yet?” And here is a direct quote from Mark Judge’s high school yearbook: “Bart, have you boofed yet?”
During your hearing, you testified that “boof” has to do with flatulence. So, according to your testimony, you and Mark, best friends in high school, are asking each other if you have farted yet. This is something so important to you at that time that you devoted fully 3% of your allotted space to wondering if your friend had succeeded in the apparently difficult task of farting. I should not need to tell you, there are exactly zero best friends from high school who have to ask that question of each other.
Mr. Kavanaugh, as I said, I do not know what “boof” means, but I am dead certain of two things. First, it has nothing to do with flatulence, and second, you knew that at the time you said it did. Of course, you were under oath at the time, so by lying about the meaning of the word, you committed perjury, to the US Senate. And I know that as a judge, you would not tolerate anyone committing perjury in your court.
Did I say I had one word for you? Sorry, I meant two. The second word is “impeachment.” If you lied about one thing in your testimony, and you clearly did, who knows what else you lied about? As I recall, there was a small matter of sexual assault that was briefly investigated during your confirmation process, but under such rushed and constrained circumstances that a real investigation never occurred.
You need to know that there are clear grounds for your impeachment, and also that during this process, there will be a THOROUGH investigation of the sexual assault allegations that were swept under the rug the first time around. There may or may not be enough votes to convict you, but there ARE enough votes to ensure both the investigation (as it should have been done the first time) and the testimony, in public and under oath.
There is only one way to avoid this public airing of your dirty laundry, and that is to resign from the Supreme Court immediately. President Biden has a long list of respected and unblemished judges he would love to appoint as your replacement.