By Lyer, Fibski & Propagandovitch, famous Moscow PR outlet
For immediate release:
In a move widely anticipated in Washington, Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader (affectionately referred to as “Moscow Mitch”), today proposed the annexation of the United States to Russia. “It’s really a no brainer,” he said, “and the time is ripe for such an obvious move. If Seward could buy Alaska from the Russians, why can’t the Russians buy us now?”
“There would be many palpable benefits to the American people”, he noted. “The political polarization would suddenly disappear. The media would no longer be divisive. The government, as is proper, would give everyone a license to speak. They would keep order on the internet or if someone stepped out of line. Even the climate, the food, and especially their history are, uh, nothing to sneeze at. Being a territory of a great old country such as Russia would be a godsend. That’s what I’m told by the religious right, anyway, so it must be true.”
“There is, in fact, broad support for this domestically” he averred. “Many Americans already have an “R” after their names, especially the ones who are white and subject to manipulation. Some Members of Congress are known to be on the Russian payroll or agents of the Russian government, and practically all are sympathetic to such a transaction. Our colleagues across the aisle could drop their “Ds” as well or be liquidated. The others don’t count, so there is nothing that needs to be compromised.”
“I’m told that Mr. Trump is in favor of such a deal” he stated. “As long as he can keep the title of ‘Czar for Life’, he’s on board. He likes assuming titles and prizes. And Mr. Trump is a big fan of president-for-life Putin.”
McConnell added that the ruling class “shouldn’t throw this idea out the window. There are many well-connected and very rich people who are ready to do this and to keep us safe from the evils of a democratic state. There is the small issue of a fair price, but with Rs in power money should be no object since it would be an inside deal. Time is of the essence, however, so we need to act as soon as possible. Certainly, before the 20th of January.”