Hello, I am a failure. Not like those Silicon Valley disrupt, fail and iterate your way to success stories. For one, I didn’t have the billions in funding to continue after failing. No, my failures are of the spirit crushing, constant sorrow nature.
For the last decade or so, I edited 5-15 papers per year for a few leading plant biologists, predominantly from China, where they were expanding science. Here, in the US, I failed to get one interview from hundreds of faculty applications in which I included aspects of this high impact, globally recognized work in proposals. In writing so many applications, I also proposed a number of other projects, such as elucidating molecular biology of root architecture, visualizing and modeling roots from the subcellular to the root system scales, adding shoots to those models, studying cells, organisms and ecosystems as connected graphs of metabolites and genes, determining the distribution of graph sizes in systems, and relating those distributions to thermodynamics. With experience in soil microbiology and plant nutrition as a graduate student and technician, I also proposed many times for decades to look at rhizosphere (root associated soil microbiome) impacts on plant nutrition. Turns out, my colleagues are doing pretty well in such work. Not me though, even though I also proposed studying tradeoffs between defense and nutrition that I could have added with my plant pathology background.
FYI, my proposals may sound like ivory tower boondoggles, but they are directly related to understanding ecosystems, sustainable agriculture, and adapting to upcoming changes, as my colleagues are demonstrating in similar projects that have been funded.
With a faculty position, I would have built upon my proven collaborations, both home and abroad. I would have a nice job, time with my family, and security about where I live. I would have been happy to devote years to any of the above listed projects, and have shown that I can do the work. What happened in actuality is that I couldn’t get an on-site interview, none of my proposals have been approved, and I survived some lean years by assisting now secure colleagues for 8 cents a word, $500-1000 per manuscript, and $5000-$10,000 per year.
To be clear, l don’t regret staying in the US over China, yet, given our respective governments. One thing that has changed is that we can no longer say that the US is more advanced than China, at least not for living conditions with a salaried job. Unfortunately, Republicans have decided that salaried jobs in government should be cut way back and are only suitable for their corrupt cronyism. Despite that, I have been able to earn some income through government funding.
Not all of my years have been so lean. While receiving pay from grant and state funding sources that fell well below industry salaries, I have proven that I can do just about everything companies using technology could want. I have administered systems, both virtual and physical, managed data from diverse sources, analyzed and visualized data, developed apps, and managed projects. I’ve done it with a fraction of the money and personnel that companies have available That’s not good enough for industry.
I’ve seen a lot of smart people doing dumbass things to exploit whatever they could for profit. The ones who make money aren’t any smarter than others. Their success is due to luck as much as hard work, and certainly not due to any superior intelligence. Tons of money from investors or growing demand gets thrown at the latest buzzwords without understanding what those words mean. Trying to explain necessary, yet mundane requirements to potential employers has been a waste of time. They are thrilled about their own product, excited about agile blockchain clouds of artificial intelligence, and demand that potential employees are too.
My knowledge, experience and ideas have meant nothing to any company outside my small circle of tiny LLCs. They reject my proposals and applications for largely unexplained reasons, and leave meetings with me speculating about which combination of age, seriousness, realism, lack of particular experience, or misremembering a fizzbuzz solution or regular expression made them decide to pursue other options. Oftentimes, I get some mumbling about my academic career as they overlook my LLCs and international business.
Yes, I have been exposed to many dumbasses. But then, who hasn’t?
To date, few have been bigger dumbasses than me. I make mistakes all of the time. Still, I keep dreaming, trusting and believing. And, I keep working, which never goes as planned. When we are developing new systems, chances are it will be two steps forward, one step back, three steps sideways, and a trip over a curb. I strive to not screw up too bad, and I’ve gotten a lot better about those sideways steps over the years. I’ve managed to avoid catastrophe, anyway, though past performance is no guarantee of future success. So far, everywhere I’ve been, if we work together, we end up making progress, and even have successes now and again, though emotions, finances and health often force changes. From my reading, these are common issues. I’m a dumbass, because I don't have all of the answers and will continue to make mistakes, yet I keep dreaming despite so many difficulties and failures.
I keep dreaming because of you. I cry about my situation, but I’ve had it better than most. I draw strength and inspiration not from leaders in science, business or government, but rather from those who persist, many of whom have faced so much worse than I have, and, yet, who have survived and keep striving to thrive. Supply side economics has made us all struggle to fulfill the whims of a few billionaires. Women have been degraded forever. Africans were brought to the US in slavery, and still face institutionalized racism. Indigenous nations were decimated. Stealing their lands and lives has been justified based on nothing more than fables of god and work. My LGBTQ brothers and sisters have been beaten down and disparaged, and you still get condemned for being yourself. Yet, each of you arise each day to maintain your dignity and pride, and even find the courage to express yourself in the face of hatred. That is my inspiration.
That is why I’m here, to draw inspiration and strength, and to help out where I can. I’m not your leader, and don’t want to be the next old white guy to tell you what to do. Hopefully, I have a few more years to pitch in.
Thank you for being here and for all that you do. Please don't be ashamed or afraid to reach out for assistance or simple commiseration. I may be a sad failure (haven't even mentioned my emotional, family and relationship failures), but still believe that together we can do great things.