Several times during the week I participate in several Zoom support groups. Two weeks ago a new LGBTQ meeting was established. I spoke first, as is my habit, and following me immediately afterwards was a woman, probably in her early twenties, based on her hairstyle and her youthful appearance. I’m very glad that she was sympathetic and resonated with the quality of my writing. But she said something rather curious. We have several gatherings throughout the week, but she only wanted to participate in our every-other-week-queer group.
I respect her decision to isolate her participation to a particular group, but it doesn’t seem entirely fair in my mind. That said, I don’t live her life for her and wouldn’t want to do so. She might very well find other friends and acquaintances on a variety of other topics and not limit herself that way. I don’t fault her for making a personal decision, but in the eighteen months since we’ve been meeting on Zoom, due to the pandemic, I have really gotten a chance to get to know other people quite well. There will always be, I acknowledge, some degree of discomfort when one shares intense personal anecdotes as we do and I myself hold nothing back. As for her, the decision is hers and hers alone, but if it were my decision to make, I really do believe I wouldn’t need to deliberately limit myself to those who identify strictly with their own gender identity and sexual orientation as we both do.
As I said, she is likely exploring herself in depth and I can hardly blame her for the laborious process of coming out, which is rarely easy. It certainly wasn’t a breeze for me. My birthday is on October 24 and as I think about it, I recognize that I have experienced a great sea change in the years or so that it’s been out of the closet. I could certainly tell some interesting stories about how difficult it was.
In a time where libraries were retiring the card catalogue and (remember those?), I did my research nervously looking over my computer screen. Naturally, I never dared check a book out about LGBTQ topics, though I did memorize the Dewey Decimal System on the topic. I would sit at a table and read for several hours, but then abandon it. Some minimum wage library page would eventually put it back on the shelf and I would curse myself for not sliding the book across the broad table up front, entirely lacking the courage to take the book home with me. But I did eventually work up my courage. This is why I suppose I wish the woman I spoke to at group tonight could branch out and not limit herself to a queer-only audience. That said, she has every right to make her own decisions for herself, and I really appreciated the kind words she had to say to me after I spoke for five or so minutes, which is our established protocol.
But if it were my decision, I wouldn’t limit myself as she has chosen to do. Queer people are different, yes, but I’d rather get to know as many people as I possibly can. Yes, it is true that I feel most comfortable in queer spaces and would love to form more of them. I really regret that our new arrival is so uncomfortable within herself so far that she is actively limiting the company she keeps. I won’t make wild guesses, but if I had to wager a guess, I think her relative youth is likely to blame. Some years ago, the term en vogue among queer folks struggling with their sexuality and gender identity was “it gets better.” And I agree with the sentiment, though I faced some well-meaning strangers who were trying to put my mind at ease and went a little too overboard.
And I’m not entirely comfortable with myself, either. Both of my parents like to play pretend that I’m not what I am, though I have known since I was fourteen years old. But I’ve made massive strides and am thankful for the Internet, which arrived at precisely the perfect time for a curious young man. Oddly enough, my father is more tolerant than my mother on this subject. I have several chronic illnesses and she has always been afraid (no matter how ridiculous) that somehow being queer in addition to living in a far-too homophobic area of the country would only harm me. While it is true that I live in the Deep South and the Bible Belt, times have changed considerably. I remember in the Nineties, the television show Ellen was refused to be aired by the local affiliate, forcing the audience who wanted to watch it live to meet instead at a local gathering. Those who arranged the event made sure to shoot participants from the back and not show anyone’s face.
Still, it strikes me as sad that any person would limit themselves to one particular group with one particular identity. We are more alike as people than we are different, I firmly believe. I don’t know why this young woman made the decision she did. It’s not my place to ask but I really do hope she grows more comfortable in her own skin. I’m reminded of the notion of Women’s Liberation and Lesbian Separatism, both of which are similar, though they are not nearly as popular as they once were. The cluster of Zoom groups that I have referenced has a robust women’s group as well and I’m grateful that it is so well attended and is a great resource.
There could be any number of reasons why this woman has chosen to isolate herself to queer company alone and while I wonder why, I know it’s not really my place to ask. I myself am more comfortable among women than men, which has sometimes led to misunderstandings. I’m a large man and have come across as intimidating at times, though that has never been my intention. I really wish we could all grow closer, whether we examine gender, sexual orientation, pronouns, and the like. I have to say that it really hurt my heart to hear that the woman who participated in our group tonight might possibly be preventing herself from developing tight-knit friendships and kinships.
What I have learned over the years, at least for me, is that there really isn’t a good way to begin LGBTQ friendships, especially if you are as introverted as I am. When I was the same age as the woman I have referenced earlier in this post, she may well still be hitting the clubs or the drag shows or all the other things I did when I was that age. I was scared and very much a live wire at that time, but went anyway. Now I’m considerably older and I simply don’t have the energy and stamina to be out until 2 am anymore. I had my fun, when I could finally get myself to relax, which took time, and made a strong point to try to meet queer folks.
I dated around, though always behind the backs of my parents. It was annoying, but I feel absolutely no regrets in exploring myself as I was then. Returning to my main idea, I can’t say that I don’t understand her reservations. Coming out is often scary, even in the best of circumstances. Maybe she is genderqueer like me. I’ve never felt entirely male or entirely female, though for a time I did consider transitioning. For my own reasons, mainly because I didn’t think I would pass plausibly, I put those ideas aside. I’m middle aged now and not unhappy. I had my fun while it lasted.
But, in conclusion, I certainly do hope, for my own reasons and biases, that she (if she does identify as she—I’m trying to cover all my bases here) reaches a state a deep self-satisfaction where she might not be reluctant to limit her interactions with only those who are queer. I understand on one level. It has taken me a very long time to make peace with my father, who was a prison warden and a state trooper. I would hate to summarily write off a group of people off when it’s entirely possible that with time we might get along. I have long regretted being so shy that my only friends were books and one other boy who was as much of a loner as I was.
I don’t look back. Perhaps the woman I met tonight might someday branch out and seek friends who aren’t necessarily non-heterosexual. But otherwise, I hope she sees that there are many people, even if they aren’t queer, who might check all the boxes. My best friend in college was a lesbian and though I haven’t spoken to her in a long time, I know we could pick up with her like we never stopped. But you know what I miss more than anything? I miss the way that electronics, computers, and cellphones have impeded communication and intimate communication, no less. I’d love a good old fashioned phone call every now and again.
But I’ll skip the card catalogue. :-)