Are you thinking of running for Commissioner of Revenue, to control millions of taxpayer dollars in the second largest city in the state, but you have those annoying investigations into your unemployment fraud that might derail your campaign? Here’s a step-by-step guide to making all the criminal investigations go away and getting elected anyway.
1.) Your son is the current chair of the Republican committee no? Use your connections to the Registrar, to get the Democratic candidate, Dawn Quick, a woman of color who has been running the Commissioner of Revenue’s office for fifteen years and is eminently qualified and ethical, off the current ballot. Make sure your far more experienced and educated competition is off the ballot due to a minor error on her filing that the registrar intentionally waited to notify her about until after the deadline for filing was past. Then ensure the registrar refuses to grant Dawn Quick an extension to file.
2.) Use every resource you have to prolong the investigation — begun last FEBRUARY, so that charges can not be brought against you that would mean you were ineligible to hold office. One way to do this is by ensuring that your case was combined with many other cases of unemployment fraud that also need to be investigated. Also, makes sure that you get the case moved an hour away to another jurisdiction and another special prosecutor. Make sure no one in the media does ANY follow up reporting on the original front page news article. shhhhhhhhhh. oops, too late, the Virginian Pilot investigator is on it. Just got word. That must be so irritating given there’s three weeks left of this race. But I digress...
3.) If other Democratic candidates start to ask questions about what happened with this investigation, make up a story that you were exonerated. Then send an emissary over to the Democratic Committee to say that whomever is asking questions (me, our Democratic candidate for Delegate) about this investigation should have their endorsement revoked immediately. (Getting kind of desperate, but desperate times...)
4.) Wait out the election cycle and pray no one uncovers this scandal until after you get elected to your four year term — chances are really good. You’re the only one on the ballot, after all, and you did use your connections in the media, the city organizers and the police department to hush up the scandal and do the bidding of the Republican Party. And we all know who runs everything around here: the Republicans. Oh yeah! And your son, Nicholas Proffitt, heads up the local Republican committee.
Want to help me fight Republican fraud and malfeasance and help support the Democratic candidates for congressional races? I’m Melanie Cornelisse and I’m running for HD78 in a red district that hasn't been challenged since 2013 when Terry McAuliffe was at the top of the ticket. Last time a Dem run, she got 42% of the vote and I’m hoping to do better this time. Your generosity to my campaign has been very generous — and helped me greatly, y’all are the BEST. Any further funds collected in this race will go to promote all our Democratic candidates running for Constitutional offices, including my friend, Dawn Quick- write-in candidate for Commissioner of Revenue. Thanks for listening, friends. Keep those chins up and keep hustling. Early voting is happening and these Republicans are running scared right now. Keep going.