Every Friday, sometime during the day, I try to write a humor/joke diary, to bring calm and peace to what might have been a stressful week for everyone.
I know this week was a doozy for me, I was in the hospital from Sunday until today, with a UTI and sepsis. I am out, thank G-D, to share dad jokes, religious jokes, or any kind of jokes that might amuse you.
Please feel free to add what you will, no joke is too silly.
At Newark International Airport an attractive Swedish blonde flight attendant noticed a Hasidic Jewish man waiting to board a flight to Israel.
She approached the Orthodox Jewish man and started a conversation with a question:
Swedish Blonde: Excuse me sir but are you a Hasidic Jew?
Hasid: yes I certainly am .
Swedish Blonde: I have a confession to share with you.
Swedish Blond: I have had a fantasy about Seducing a Hasidic man, slowly removing his black hat as I kiss his beard, then twirling his Payot ( long side burns) playfully between my fingers, and then pressing my naked body against his tzitzit fringed undershirt . Would you like to help me fulfill my fantasy?
Hasid: So Vat exactly is in it for me ???
Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, 'I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg, and I desire a room for the night.'
The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, 'I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is completely booked.'
Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.
'Oy, what luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. 'I can take his room.'
'I'm sorry, madam,' says the clerk, 'but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews.'
'Jews?' exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. 'So, who's a Jew? I'm a Catholic.'
In obvious disbelief, the clerk asks her, 'If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of God?'
'That's easy,' says Mrs. Rosenberg, 'Jesus Christ.'
The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, 'Who was Jesus' mother and father?'
'Mary and Joseph,' replies Mrs. Rosenberg, testily.
Then the clerk asks, 'And where was Jesus born?'
'In a manger in a barn,' answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming visibly agitated.
'And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?' asks the clerk.
''Cause a shmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to Jews!!!
Eli auditions for the part of Tevye in The local production of Fiddler on the Roof. Unfortunately Eli has a terrible twitch and he keeps noticeably winking his eye during the audition.
The casting director tells Eli that he is a good actor but the winking eye twitch is very distracting.
Eli tells the casting director that all he has to do is take an aspirin and the twitch goes away.
Intrigued, the casting director says “ If you take an aspirin
and the twitch goes away, the part is yours.”
Eli proceeds to reach into his pocket to get an aspirin and pulls out a condom. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out another condom. He repeats this several times and after a small pile of condoms is on the counter he finally finds an aspirin, takes it, and low and behold, his twitch goes away.
The casting director says “ Ok, we made a deal, you have the part. But you have to tell me what’s with all the condoms?”
Eli answers that every time he goes to the drug store to treat his winking eye twitch he says to the Pharmacist, while winking his eye “You have any aspirin?” And the pharmacists hands him a box of condoms!