Before I begin this diary, I want to warn all there could be elements in it that might trigger people.
Back in June I finally decided to watch 13 Reasons Why. I am not really sure why I waited so long to begin watching it. The most likely reason was I didn’t watch much streaming television at all until the pandemic came and I could seriously binge stuff. I had heard it was a well written show that dealt with intense topics like teen suicide, bullying and rape. I like movies and shows that are deep, make you think and question yourself.
While I had a horrible experience in Jr. and Sr. High School, I experienced very little physical bullying and certainly no assaults of any kind. However, I was ostracized significantly and was the geeky loner kid who thought as the teacher’s pet. This lead to me having virtually no friends and no social life outside of school clubs. Based on the topics the show centered on, I figured there would not be anything that would bring up all the past feelings I spent years in therapy working to box away in the back of my mind. Boy, was I wrong.
I am somewhat of an obsessive person so binging shows I like is fairly normal for me. I found the show engrossing. It was well-written, well-directed and well-acted and as such I plowed through 3 seasons of 39 episodes in less than a week. Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long for the 4th, and final, season because it dropped just a couple of days after I finished watching season 3. I finished the final season in less 36 hours.
While I am not going to reveal much about the plot lines of the show both to not spoil and to keep the triggers to a minimum, the show revolves around a bunch of teenagers finding out why a classmate says she committed suicide. Each season gets more into the individual stories of the cast and how they deal with different issues that arise in their lives. Relationships change as they are wont to do, but all the characters remain connected as they navigate through high school.
What I didn’t realize as I started watching the show is it began triggering the release of feelings from back when I was a teenager. Through the first couple of seasons, I wasn’t even consciously aware my mood had been changing for the worse. At some point I realized I was angry a lot and more prone to extreme outbursts at even the slightest thing that I perceived as wronging me. It certainly didn’t help that I was essentially locked in my house due to the pandemic. I became my teenage self all over again.
It wasn’t until I was midway through the third season that I realized what was happening and why. I was watching these friends caring and supporting each other through difficult times even as they went in and out of being friends. Watching the show, my mind was recreating my high school experience by telling me, “See, even people suffering constant sorrows still have people their age who check in on them whether or not they are currently friends. You deserved the mental anguish and ostracization you experienced.” I realized that throughout the pandemic none of my friends or relatives were reaching out to me to see how I was doing (I’m high risk for severe COVID). Even they knowing I came really close to getting the virus last April didn’t spark anyone occasionally checking in with me. It surprised me that I never thought about it until I started binging the show that it was happening. I guess it took mentally revisiting high school to realize how “alone” I was. Not that this was any different than any other period of my life. I must have become so good at walling off the major depression I used to suffer that it didn’t really bother me for so many years. Still, it sucked to realize how little my social life had changed since then.
It took a couple of months and talking with a few people to reset my head. Now I try to choose the shows I watch more carefully to avoid re-triggering those feelings again. I don’t always succeed, but I am better equipped at minimizing the length and depth when my depression visits.
As for the show itself, I enjoyed it immensely. Seeing myself as Clay, the main protagonist, likely was a big reason I was able to easily place myself in the show and trigger my mental state back in high school. If you haven’t seen the show and aren’t triggered by difficult topics, I highly recommend it. The 4th season deals with a lot topics that are very relevant for high schoolers today. Watching it and discussing it with your teenage children can be a real learning experience for them and you.
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TOP COMMENTS from February 9, 2021
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From Angela Marx;
BelgianBastard has solved the mystery of the #Qstradamus! From Dave Neiwert’s diary on the continuing arrests of insurrectionists.
From your not currently depressed diarist:
solook9purchase comes up with the perfect description of Castor’s odd remark about Nebraskan jurists. TigerPisces nails the reply.
LuvSet shows us how craven and awful Republicans are even when their “Blue Lives Matter” cohorts are the subject of insurrectionist violence. I provide what I think is a reasonable coda.
TOP Mojo from February 8, 2021
got mik! Top rated besides first comments and tip jars.
TOP Pictures from February 8, 2021
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Pics are in a line for some reason. Also, it’s nice to see the birds beat the cats yesterday. Additionally one image was not allowed to be included. A link is included at the bottom of the quilt.
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