C&J Annual Fundraiser
Bless me, Father, for I have blogged. It has been 17 years, two months, and 19 days since my first C&J, and 14 months since my last fundraiser which—funny story—is my primary source of income.
My soul is once again on the block. To usher C&J into another year of being bought and paid for by you, the best online community on the planet, please consider making a one-time donation or signing up for a monthly contribution. After all, there is “no daily column that's more celebrated for excellence in mediocrity” than this one, and that’s a claim you can rely on, since it was given a green check mark by my research think tank BillyFact.
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Snail mail and thrilling conclusion below the fold...
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And now, the content you’ve paid for...some of it in color!
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 1, 2021
Note: To avoid the spread of the stupidvirus, we recommend you read this column with double masks over both eyes. Together we can make a difference. —Dr. Fauci
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Daylight Saving Time starts (spring forward): 13
President Biden's approval rating in the new Ipsos poll: 57%
Percent confidence in his dealing with world affairs, according to a Pew poll: 60%
Percent of Mainers who have been vaccinated against Covid-19 so far: 17%
Amount to which Costco is raising its minimum wage: $16/hr.
Number of people who will be protected from fracking pollution in 4 northeast states as the Delaware River Basin Commission permanently bans the practice: 13 million
Minimum number of Republican cult insurrectionists who have been charged by the FBI for their part in the January 6th attempted takeover of the U.S. government: 300
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Monday morning and the Avengers get to work…
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CHEERS to March! Highlights of the month that will soon erupt into madness: coming in like a lion and hopefully going out like a Lamb. The coronavirus continues getting pummeled by effective Democratic policies and the barest-majority 50 (plus Kamala)-50 Senate continues to drive us MAD, MAD I TELL YOU. Also: Trump becomes president again on the 4th according to his cult (we’ll see what happens), Daylight Saving Time (the 14th), Peanut Month (Caution: may contain peanuts or peanut products), Women's History Month, Caffeine Awareness Month (I'm aware! I'm aware!!!), St. Patrick's Day, Girl Scout Day, Worship of Tools Day, Something-on-a-Stick Day, International Women's Day (the 8th), the infamous Ides, the full "worm moon" on the 28th, a slate of mediocre new movies that'll pop up on the 23,398 available streaming services you can enjoy for the low, low price of just $9.95 a month, the GREAT STATE OF MAINE turns 201 on the 15th, and spring arrives like this:
I also believe March is one of the months of the year in which Republicans act like total reality-denying jerks, the others being January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December. Plus: as of today we've made it through one-sixth of 2021. Slap another gold star on your tuchus and give yourself a high-five.
CHEERS to a presidency in a box. Even if it's the only significant piece of legislation he gets to sign into law, it'll be a ginormous accomplishment for President Biden. The Covid-19 relief bill, which has roughly 70 percent public support, passed the House Friday night (219-212), and NBC News has the nitty gritty here. In an NPR report, Democrats say the bill isn't just a short-term thing, but a—pardon the corporate-speak—major paradigm shift:
Democrats say the relief bill…includes several new programs intended to create a new social safety net that some in the party are comparing to a new, smaller version of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt's New Deal.
"What we're addressing here is the economic disjunction in American life," said Rep. Richard Neal, D-Mass., who chairs the House Ways and Means Committee. "What we're asking for here is an opportunity for people at the lower end of the economic scale, the people that we depend upon every single day in America, incidentally, to get a chance." […]
"What this piece of legislation does is ensures that we have built the transforming architecture for something enduring for lifting families out of poverty in the United States," [Connecticut Rep. Rosa] DeLauro said. "We did it for seniors. We are now going to do it for children."
Now it heads to the Senate, where it'll be thrown onto an anvil and beaten with a tire iron until it resembles something that the dynamic duo of Joe Manchin and the Senate Parliamentarian can support. If you have any stray, fuzz-encrusted Prozac sitting between your couch cushions, now would be the time to take it.
JEERS to more butt-fugly numbers. There's good news in abundance on the Covid-19 front, but the raw numbers say we're far from out of the woods. Worldwide: over 115 million cases as of today. And here are this week's domestic numbers for the C&J historical record, courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world. Although cases are slowing down dramatically, our death toll now exceeds the population of America’s 35th-largest city Mesa, Arizona:
6 months ago: 6 million confirmed cases. 187,000 deaths.
3 months ago: 13.6 million confirmed cases. 273,000 deaths
1 month ago: 27 million confirmed cases. 450,000 deaths
This morning: 29.1 million confirmed cases. 524,000 deaths
Meanwhile, the CDC released a pair of studies that, among other things, revealed that a fitness center that held a mask-less cycling class resulted in all the participants getting the virus. Hmm…there might be a lesson there. I suggest we commission more studies to study the studies.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to buckeyes for breakfast. (Disclaimer: Bad idea! They’re poisonous!) I was hatched at Mercy Hospital in Mount Vernon, Ohio in August of 1964, and that makes me a dyed-in-the-wool Buckeye. So it goes without saying that I'm wishing a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my home state—218 years young as of today. Seven mostly-crappy presidents from Ohio were elected, and you all wisely stopped nominating us after Harding kicked the bucket in 1921. It's the only state whose flag is a pennant. And we're the proud birthplace of Steven Spielberg, Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Orville Wright, Clark Gable, Gloria Steinem and one or two others.
Oh, and in the interest of fairness I should also mention that some people say Nebraska was admitted to the union on this date in 1867. Can't say I'm familiar with it, but I'll take 'em at their word.
CHEERS to The Right Stuff: Class of 2021. In the immortal words of Buzz Aldrin when he first stepped onto the moon: “Oh, goody goody gumdrop!” A fresh slate of NASA astronauts will be formally announced today (12:30ET) for the next mission in the SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule, which is our spiffy new way of getting to the Space Station. Meet the new heroes who will be responsible for our next lump-in-the-throat moment sometime this spring:
Shane Kimbrough is commander of the Crew Dragon spacecraft and the Crew-2 mission. Kimbrough is responsible for all phases of flight, from launch to re-entry. He has spent a total of 189 days in space, and performed six spacewalks.
Megan McArthur is the pilot of the Crew Dragon spacecraft and second-in-command. McArthur launched on space shuttle Atlantis as a mission specialist on the final Hubble Space Telescope servicing mission in 2009, spending 12 days in space.
Akihiko Hoshide is a mission specialist for Crew-2. Hoshide is a veteran of two spaceflights. The Crew Dragon will be the third spacecraft that Noguchi has flown to the orbiting laboratory.
Thomas Pesquet is a mission specialist for Crew-2. He previously spent 196 days in space, including two spacewalks.
If all goes according to plan, a fifth astronaut will be added to the lineup. Ted Cruz will be the “honorary” solo pilot of the first and only mission of the catapult-fired space pod named Quick Climb In Here Ted There’s Free BBQ Ribs And Don’t Forget To Shut The Door Behind You.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 1, 2011
CHEERS to the middle of the end. In Libya, it's all over for Muammar Khaddafi but the last-ditch escape attempt disguised as an old lady sitting in the back of a VW bus careening crazily for the border. His assets are frozen, his buddies are bailing, the freedom fighters are closing in, the U.N. is likely booting him from…um, the human rights commission? How the hell did Libya get on that??? Oh, and memo to The Hague: he'll need his prison stripes in size XL. And a Medium for his invisible rabbit friend.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to seeing to a bit of unfinished business. I’ll be damned if I’m going to shirk my sworn duty to say “Happy Birthday, and many blessings on your camels” to all the “Leaplings” born on February 29th, which would be today if March didn’t muscle its way into the spotlight.
You’d think that if God was all great and powerful over everything, She would have made leap years unnecessary. But nooooooooooo. She done gave our planet the wibbledy-wobblies, and now there’s an unfortunate group of people on this earth who only get a birthday every four years (2024 brings with it the next February 29th). The list includes Pope Paul III, Jimmy Dorsey, Dinah Shore, grifter Anthony Robbins, Ja Rule, and renowned composer Gioachino Rossini (the Lone Ranger theme guy). But never fear, Leapers, as long as C&J is here we’ll always stuff our faces with cake and ice cream in your honor. Oh, and sometimes historic things happen on the 29th, too. For example, on this date in 1964, Australian swimmer Dawn Fraser set a new world record in the 100-meter freestyle swimming competition. Her time: 58.9 seconds. The piranhas chasing her: 59.0.
Oh, and happy birthday to Frederic Chopin, whose best-known piano composition is, of course, Chopinsticks. Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Bill in Portland Maine Greeted with Boisterous ‘Cheers and Jeers Sucks!’ Chants Upon Entry in Kiddie Pool
—Mediaite
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