Wie Gaetz, Shätze?: Satire
By Lyer, Fibski & Propagandovitch, famous Moscow PR outlet
For immediate release:
Congressman Matthew Gaetz (R, FL) is under investigation for multiple crimes, including having paid sex, engaging in illegal drug use, and selling political favors. Democrats are understandably calling for him to at least be removed immediately from his congressional committee assignments, especially as a Member of the House Judiciary Committee.
We reached a senior official at the Republican National Committee, who told us, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The Democrats fire their elected officials at the first whiff of impropriety and we’re more than happy to take advantage of it.”
“Besides, Matt’s office issued a statement that he hasn’t done anything wrong, so it must be true”, the RNC official asserted. “We prefer to apply the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ standard, unless, of course, it’s a Democrat.”
“Our people are famous for insider trading, conspiring with Russian agents against U.S. interests, and all kinds of sex crimes”, he continued. “It makes my hair stand up—but in a good way. I should remind you that a few years ago, our Dear Mentor said he could shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue in New York and he wouldn’t lose any voters. That was when he could still go to his home town, but our base ate it up, naturally. They don’t give a hoot about our illegal peccadilloes any more than we do.”
“And Matt is gaining valuable hands-on experience in his assignments on the Judiciary Committee”, the Republican official noted. “Leader McCarthy has made it clear that he wants Matt to stay. Matt may even be able to suppress the DOJ investigation from his perch. Wouldn’t that be grand?”