Late Night Snark: Pre-Holiday Rogues’ Gallery Edition
"Last night it came out that a grand jury is hearing evidence against President Trump and could indict him. We'll know a trial is close when a courtroom sketch artist goes to Michael’s and says: 'Give me all the orange crayons you have.'"
—Jimmy Fallon
"It was reported that federal authorities investigating sex trafficking accusations against Matt Gaetz have secured the cooperation of his ex-girlfriend—but not until after her prom."
—Colin Jost, SNL
Continued…
You are now below the fold. Yes, this is what Hell looks like.
"Today was Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor-Greene’s 47th birthday, which is also the only accurate information on her Facebook page. If you’re wondering what to get her, how about help?"
—Seth Meyers
"Andrew Giuliani, who is the child of Rudy Giuliani and I'm gonna say Gary Busey, announced that he's running for governor of New York, and claimed he spent five decades in politics despite the fact he's only 35 years old. Y'know, I didn’t know you could get brain damage when your father drinks during a pregnancy."
—Michael Che, SNL
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"Since he got kicked off of social media, people are talking a lot less about Donald Trump online. Internet chatter about the former president has hit a five-year low. Last week his web site had fewer visitors than PetFinder.com and the recipe web site Delish. He's like the Instant-Pot of presidents—he still has some die-hards, but most people put him in the back of the pantry and moved on with their lives."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"It's pretty crazy that most students in America are only taught about a handful of important Black Americans. Imagine if it were the other way around: 'Welcome to White History 101. We start off with Thomas Jefferson, where it all began. And then, well, nothing really happened until Tom Hanks.' Class dismissed."
—Trevor Noah
"What did I learn today? A lot. Public bathrooms were disgusting before the pandemic, and they're still disgusting. Which I guess is…strangely comforting? Never change, public bathrooms. It's really the one thing I can count on."
—Full Frontal correspondent Allana Harkin
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 28, 2021
Note: We wish you a safe and hammock-filled holiday weekend. C&J will return on Tuesday, June 1. Probably with an errant lawn dart or two stuck in our foot, thigh, chest, head or buttock region. Because if it’s one thing we do around here, it’s respect tradition.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Labor Day: 101
Percent of Democrats and Trump cultists, respectively, who say they're fully vaccinated, according to The Economist/YouGov polling: 76%, 54%
Percent of Americans polled by Quinnipiac who support raising taxes on corporations to help pay the tab for infrastructure improvements: 61%
Year in which Congress officially declared Waterloo, New York as the birthplace of the Memorial Day holiday: 1966
Estimated number of American soldiers killed during the Civil War: 365,000
Estimate number of armed traitors killed during the war: 290,000
Amount Amazon paid for MGM, whose vault includes the unedited Trump footage from The Apprentice: $8.5 billion
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Iconic image taken at the War Dog Memorial and Cemetery in Guam…
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CHEERS to multitasking. As our endorphins go wild over the prospect that our first warm-weather holiday weekend (and the unofficial start of summer) is upon us, the editors at WXYZ-Detroit offer up a few words for the occasion:
For many, it will be the first holiday they have been able to celebrate together with family and friends since getting vaccinated against the COVID-19 virus.
Memorial Day weekend signals two important traditions: It honors the men and women who have died while serving in the U.S. military and it marks the unofficial start of the summer season. Many in our region will use it as an opportunity to raise the flag, decorate grave sites and have family picnics.
As we celebrate and observe this holiday, have fun, be safe, and let us be deeply grateful for our families and friends.
And, as always, we pause to reflect on Dwight Eisenhower's famous words: "I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity." Me, too. Minus the living it part, but I'll take his word for it.
CHEERS to one helluva day. As we were all focusing on the survival of our republic Wednesday, the fossil fuel industry was busy rubbing petroleum jelly on their blistered hineys. Three planet-killing giants—Shell, Chevron, and Exxon—are now being forced to clean up their act to varying extents:
Shell suffered the first blow, as a civil court in the Netherlands ordered the company to cut its carbon dioxide emissions 45% below 2019 levels by the end of the decade.
Then, at the annual shareholder meeting of Exxon Mobil Corp. in Dallas, a comparatively tiny activist hedge fund seeking to shift the oil giant away from fossil fuels and toward renewables won two seats on the board of directors.
That afternoon, climate-concerned shareholders at Chevron Corporation’s annual investor confab voted to force the company to make a plan to cut emissions generated from the use of its product―making the Texas firm responsible for the pollution its customers create when burning oil and gas.
We'll file this under: a good start.
CHEERS to the other star-spangled banner. On May 29, 1916, the official flag of the President of the United States was adopted by executive order. This is interesting, via historian David McCullough:
One morning, standing at his desk, [Truman] presented to the press a new presidential flag … “This new flag faces the eagle toward the staff,” Truman explained, “which is looking to the front all the time when you are on the march, and also has him looking at the olive branch for peace, instead of the arrows for war …”
Both the flag and presidential seal had been redesigned for the first time since the Wilson years, and Truman meant the shift in the eagle’s gaze to be seen as symbolic of a nation both on the march and dedicated to peace.
Astonishingly, Trump didn’t change it back.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to petty stooges. In a proud moment for the Republican party, forty-nine years ago today, in 1972, the White House "plumbers" hit the Democratic National Headquarters at the Watergate Hotel, setting in motion a series of events that would lead to Nixon's resignation in disgrace. The first clue that the plumbers were fake: their bill was reasonable.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on TV this weekend, starting tonight with a pre-Memorial Day MSNBC reality check by Hayes, Maddow and O'Donnell. (Yes, I'm on a last name basis with them—so proud.) Bill Maher’s guests on HBO’s Real Time at 10 are James Carville, Nick Kristof, and Bob Costas. The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL Stanley Cup playoff schedule is here, the WNBA playoff schedule is here, and the NBA playoff schedule is here. Or you can catch the Senior PGA Championship tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on NBC.
On 60 Minutes: a report on the rise of attacks on federal judges, and nonagenarians give their secrets to longevity. Sunday night at 8 PBS airs the National Memorial Day Concert.
There are also several specials on the 1921 Tulsa Massacre on tap. MSNBC starts Sunday at 9 with Blood On Black Wall Street. Monday at 9 PBS airs Tulsa: The Fire and the Forgotten, a retrospect of the 1921 Tulsa race massacre that took place 100 years ago. CNN airs their own special, Dreamland: The Burning of Black Wall Street (co-produced by Lebron James) on CNN at the same time, and CBS airs Tulsa 1921: An American Tragedy at 10.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Vaccine Scientist Dr. Peter Hotez; legal eagles Chuck Rosenberg and Andrew Weissman; United States Deputy National Security Advisor Matthew Pottinger.
This Week: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg; Former National Security Agency Director Gen. Keith Alexander (Ret.); Former Trump Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Adviser Tom Bossert; "New America" senior—and jolly good—fellow Niloofar Howe.
Face the Nation: Kevin Washington of the YMCA on the CDC's new guidance for summer camps; Miami Police Chief Art Acevedo; Stephen Kaufer of TripAdviser; Paul Gionfriddo of Mental Health America.
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand; Reps. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) and Michael McCaul (CULT-TX); Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 28, 2011
CHEERS to the little rover that could…but isn’t anymore. A little whirligig on wheels that deserves a spot in the space-exploration hall of fame—the Spirit Rover—has run out of juice after 7 years of peeking into Martian windows and sending the nudie pics back to Earth. If you feel so inclined, please join me in a toast to a happy and rust-proof retirement: "Bloop Poink Whirrrr!" Don’t spend all those Social Security checks in one place, li’l buddy.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to our first four 7-year non-itches. On Sunday my partner Michael (aka "Common Sense Mainer" here at DK) and I celebrate another trip around the sun together. Number 28.
We met in Saginaw, Michigan on May 30, 1993 at a bar called Bambi’s during Bill Clinton's fifth month in office as our 42nd president. And here we are now, with #46 Joe Biden at the helm and a lot of water under the bridge. We're noticeably grayer and creakier—COPD knocked on his door, cancer knocked on mine. But we're still reasonable approximations of our younger selves if you squint hard enough, and so far we've resisted the temptation to shoo any kids off our lawn. (But if the airbnb'ers across the street start anything, we will go effing Rambo on 'em.)
Longevity seems to boil down to a few essentials: love, shared responsibility, and accepting the fact that neither of us hears half of what the other one says. But that's okay—we're quite smooth at the art of "yupping," and we fill in the blanks by texting each other from our respective ends of the couch.
In a tradition I started a few years back, here's the annual posting of a smug snippet from "The new apostle of sanity in sex," David Reuben, M.D. Fifty-two years ago, in 1969, his mega-seller Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask—a copy of which I once found in my grandparents' attic—was published and treated as gospel (in fairness, he later took a chill pill and lightened up on us):
What about all the homosexuals who live together happily for years? What about them? They are mighty rare birds among the homosexual flock. Moreover, the "happy" part remains to be seen. The bitterest argument between husband and wife is a passionate love sonnet by comparison with a dialogue between a butch and his queen. Live together? Yes. Happily? Hardly.
For the record, in our household the proper pecking order endures: the cat's the queen, the dog's the butch, and Michael and I are their humble servants. Scandalous, I know.
Have a great holiday weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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