Nothing gets to me, as a Jewish man, like Jewish humor.
I thought it being a mellow Friday evening we all could do with some humor.
Several of the greatest comedians of all time are Jewish, and you know when you are Jewish you can tell Jewish jokes. Just listen to this song by 2 live Jews
Some of my favorites:
80 year old Rebecca, who has never married, lives in Golders Green and is much admired by the community there for her kindness and her charity. One spring afternoon, Rabbi Levy calls on her. She welcomes him into her house and invites him to sit down while she makes for him ‘a nice glass tea.’
As he is waiting, Rabbi Levy notices a Hammond organ against the wall. On the organ is a cut glass vase filled with water and he’s shocked to see a condom floating in the water. "Oy veh," he says quietly, "she’s gone meshugga."
Rebecca returns with tea and buttered matzo and they begin to chat. Although Rabbi Levy tries hard not to mention the vase and its content, he just can’t avoid raising the subject. "Rebecca," he says, pointing to the vase, "Vos is dos?"
"That’s my miracle," she replies. "I was walking down Hendon Road last November when I found a little packet on the ground. When I opened it, the instructions said it would prevent disease if put on the organ and kept wet. And guess what, Rabbi? I haven't had a cold all winter."
A Jewish immigrant with Polish ancestry went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He had to first take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish Jew replied. "I know the guy!
After Shabbat services the Rabbi asked if anyone in the congregation had any announcements or thoughts that they would like to share..
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, ". Two months ago, my husband Sy , had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Sy , must have experienced. He was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Sy’s, scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Sy.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank G-d ,Sy, is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The Rabbi rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Sy ." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the Word is Sternum."
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown? So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry.
He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase in English, thickly accented with Chinese. The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?" The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask that. Is name of owner." Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?" "He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me." "Really? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?" "Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. "Lady look at him and say, 'What your name?' " He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' "Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
The Yeshiva University in New York decided to put together a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last. The head of the yeshiva finally decided he couldn’t stand any more embarrassment so he sent Yankel to spy on the Yale University team.
So Yankel schlepped off to Yale and hid in the bullrushes off the river from where he carefully watched the Yale team as they practiced.
Yankel finally returned to the yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret,” he announced. “They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting.”
A woman calls up her friend. She says, “Becky, I understand you got a new apartment. Becky says, I do. I got a pretty apartment. Why don’t you come visit? “I’d love to visit, but I don’t know where you live. You gotta give me directions.”
“I live on 1422 86th Street. You’ll take the train, get off on 86th Street. You’ll see a big apartment complex 1422. Outside, you’ll see a double door. With your right elbow, press down the handle from the door, push open the door, and you’ll see what we call a vestibule.
“In the vestibule’s a list of bells. I’m apartment 4B. With your left elbow, press 4B; it’ll ring upstairs. As soon as I hear the ring, I’ll buzz you. “When you hear the buzz, with your right elbow press the inside of the door, push open the door, go straight ahead to the elevator, and with your left elbow press UP.
“You’ll get into the elevator; with the right elbow press 4 for the 4th floor. The door will open up; you’ll go straight to my apartment 4B. “You’ll ring the doorbell with the right elbow. Give it a couple of knocks with the left elbow; I’ll answer the door. You’ll come in; we’ll have coffee.”
Her friend interrupts, fed up. “What kind of directions are these, with the elbows? The left elbow, the right elbow. What’s with the elbows?
Becky says, “What? You’re coming empty-handed?”
Back in Coney Island there was a sideshow with a strongman and a log. The point of it was to see if you could saw the log faster than the strongman, and if you did you’d win $1000.
A little old Jewish man comes up to the strong man and gives him a dollar, so the strongman hands him a saw.
To the crowd’s disbelief, the little old Jewish man sawed the log much faster than the strongman.
The strongman asked him “Where did a tiny old Jew like you learn to chop wood like that? The old Jew says “The Sahara Forest.”
“Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert!”
“That’s what they call it now”