I’ve been struggling with this issue for a long time, but now I believe it’s going to turn into a genuine problem for me going forward. So I am here to gather some advice. There are a lot of people in this community who know about and have dealt with issues like this, so I thought this would be a good place to ask.
I don’t think I want this up for very long, so I am going to collect what advice I can for a day or two, and then it’s going to go bye-bye. But I hope other people with similar problems find some answers as well. I sincerely thank in advance everyone who offers advice.
This is about my sister. I often think, “Surely she doesn’t believe that!”, or “Surely she’s done that by now!”, so let’s call her Shirley.
Shirley is totally on board with almost any conspiracy theory you can think of. Sandy Hook was a hoax! The COVID vaccine has microchips in it, or it’s a plot to make you ill, or sterile, or … something! Jade Helm was a … whatever they think Jade Helm was again! She knows these things because she has “inside contacts”. Inside what, I do not know, because when asked about it, her main defense is generally YouTube videos or a diatribe someone posted on loonytoonzz.com.
Unfortunately, though, it goes deeper than that. The catalyst of my finally seeking advice was a note I got from her a week or so ago saying that a famous person had asked her to marry him, and as a direct result of this, the government had sent helicopters (multiple helicopters!) to spy on her. I asked her what makes her so sure the helicopters are watching her specifically, and I was told that she “knows how the world works” and those who don’t believe this are “naive and like children”. How could you not ask me about my response to the wedding proposal? Don’t you care about me?? Sorry, I … got snagged a little on the military surveillance thing. She never said anything else about any marriage proposal; I take it the answer was ‘no’.
This phantom surveillance is one of the many reasons Shirley will give when asked why she does not leave the house, does not seek gainful employment, will not go to a doctor or dentist, etc. She sincerely believes “they” (whoever “they” are) have made multiple attempts on her life over the past several years. “They”, you see, are powerful enough to control things like COVID and the military, but they are simultaneously not with-it enough to send a smiling man to her door with a revolver. A little hard to reconcile. But I digress.
For additional context, Shirley believes that our deceased father (who flew the coop when we were teenagers and went on to die a near-penniless alcoholic somewhere in California) was part of the Gambino crime family, because she has “seen photos”. (He must have been in charge of the crimes where nobody makes any money.) She believes that the skeleton of a giant — yes, a giant! — was found buried beneath our deceased great aunt’s basement after she died many years ago, and although no one else is aware of this (even the very people who had the basement cleaned out), she knows, because she has “looked into it”. She has decided that because a 100-plus-year-old photograph of an immigrant ancestor of ours is a woman who has masculine features, this relative must have been an “operative”. For whom is not clear.
There’s plenty more, but I probably don’t need to go on. This is all classical delusional disorder:
Delusions are the main symptom of delusional disorder. They’re unshakable beliefs in something that isn’t true or based on reality. But that doesn’t mean they’re completely unrealistic. Delusional disorder involves delusions that aren’t bizarre, having to do with situations that could happen in real life, like being followed, poisoned, deceived, conspired against, or loved from a distance. These delusions usually involve mistaken perceptions or experiences. But in reality, the situations are either not true at all or highly exaggerated.
How do you even have a conversation with someone like this? Everything always comes back to this nonsense. The diabolical thing is that she’s functional enough to call repair people and have food delivered to the house. She can put on enough of a show.
People with delusional disorder often can continue to socialize and function normally, apart from the subject of their delusion, and generally do not behave in an obviously odd or bizarre manner.
But here’s where the real problems begin.
Two years ago, Shirley could not pay her rent anymore and was incurring thousands of dollars in late fees and bills for damages she had done to her apartment. All of this was invented by her landlord to spite her, of course (wink). She finally got evicted (and not for the first time). My mother had been paying Shirley’s rent on and off but was running out of money herself. For this latest iteration, I “lent” Shirley $2500 and bought her some household items, and my cousin (let’s call her Magda), amazingly enough, “lent” Shirley $5000. This was pretty magnanimous of Magda, because Magda’s not exactly rolling in cash herself. Neither of us has gotten that money back from Shirley since, and we aren’t going to.
Anyway, post-eviction, Shirley showed up at my mother’s doorstep with all of her belongings and her cats, and declared she was moving in! This is the very last thing my mother wanted, but she couldn’t say no and leave her child homeless, because that is likely what would have happened.
My mother announced several deadlines for Shirley to get it together and move out, but those were just words on a piece of paper. All of them came and went with no action of any kind. My mother would rant regularly about how she could not stomach having to talk to Shirley about her crazy conspiracy theories and the fact that Shirley would break things and dirty things and not do anything to help around the house.
Shirley contracted MRSA in her legs a few years ago and had a very bad case of it, and this has been complicating things. Shirley sincerely believes the infection was caused by a “bioweapon”, engineered by “them” as another attempt on her life. Shirley, however, has not been to a doctor (or dentist, and her teeth are falling out) in years, because she is, of course, her “own doctor”.
Then our mother passed away in April.
I’m the executor of the will, which on the surface seems pretty straightforward: Everything is split 50-50 between me and Shirley. Nobody is contesting anything. Should be a formality. At least we are graced with that.
If you’ve dealt with an estate, you know that creditors get paid off before the beneficiaries do. And it turns out that Shirley’s many foibles over the past several years caused my mother to roll up some substantial credit-card debt, because she could not resist Shirley’s guilt-tripping. Woe is me! I’m going to get evicted! I’m in jail! I got fired! Working for corporate America is beneath me! My heartless family doesn’t care about me!, etc.
It’s not like the house is worth that much, and I don’t really care about getting the proceeds. But they are kinda vital to Shirley, who has no savings at all. Shirley at least does now have a decent sum (say, $20,000) from annuities that have been distributed, and she could use that to get an apartment and move on. Shirley’s first move, unfortunately, after receiving said money was to buy a keyboard, a rug, and some statues on EBay for about $4,000. Shirley would gleefully email photos to me and Magda, each time insisting this was her last “guilty purchase” before hunkering down. Yay!
Shirley is not going to get references and has an awful or nonexistent credit history, so she may not be able to get an apartment at all. There is the thought of buying a condo, and these can indeed be had in her Rust-Belt area for $50,000 and up. Not too bad. I even offered to pony up half of that from my annuity proceeds so far and be half-owner until my mother’s house sells and the proceeds from that are distributed. “But that will drain all my savings,” Shirley insisted. No go.
Ordinarily Shirley’s presence in the house wouldn’t be a problem, but creditors do like getting the money that is legitimately owed to them (about $30,000 in this case). The house is only worth about $100,000, so after all the creditors and lawyers and other things (including Magda) are paid off, it’s not exactly going to be a bonanza. So the condo thing looks pretty dicey any way you slice it.
Bills for the house are now being paid from my mother’s old checking account, but that is going to dry up around October or November. Shirley has it pretty good right now, because she doesn’t have any expenses of note.
I (and the lawyers) have suggested to Shirley that the sooner the house goes on the market, the better. But Shirley has many reasons why this cannot happen until next March or April. There’s so much to do! We can’t hire anyone to do these things, because they cost money! I suspect that the creditors (who can, mind you, put liens on the property) may not be as enthusiastic in their support of this assessment. It seems the estate can “strongly encourage” Shirley to begone from the premises, but then homelessness in fact may loom. I am very frustrated with Shirley, but I don’t want to be the author of her homelessness.
You might be wondering how Shirley is going to support herself going forward, after all of this smoke clears. Coincidentally, I have the very same question! Shirley currently does “psychic readings” over the phone and does earn some money, but it is never enough to make ends meet. My mother, who had taken on the role of Cash Cow, is not around anymore. That means that a new Cash Cow must be found, and I do not wish to claim this title. I have my own children that need to go to college, etc.
Shirley’s legs are not healed (they still bleed out now and then), she essentially never leaves the house, and she does not clean up when a cat pukes or shits on the carpets, because after all, we’re going to replace those anyway. Why should Shirley knock herself out? Her solution for all the flies that have shown up as a result was to buy a bug zapper. That’ll do it!
I’ve been inside the house on my last visit to Rust Belt Town a month and a half ago, and I can tell you that anyone who goes in (including a recent Geek Squad guy who politely said he’d like to write up the invoice outside because the house is too “funky”) is not going to make it long enough to gather a good view. Gonna make it pretty difficult to sell the house while Shirley and the cats are still inside it.
But this inescapable Catch-22 is not even the biggest problem; it’s only the problem du jour. The real long-term issue is what on Earth will happen going forward, where you have someone who will not seek employment, who will not visit a doctor, who has essentially no savings, and whose business is not even close to sustainable.
Oh! I neglected to mention she’s diabetic and has to take insulin, too. That’s getting paid for somehow (I presume), but I don’t know how or whether it can be maintained without my mother to oversee and pay for it. Haven’t mustered the gumption to inquire about that just yet.
Well then.
I can’t conceive of any real solutions that don’t involve social services, welfare, etc., but in practical terms I cannot even lead the horse to water. I can only tell the horse about the water. But keep in mind that state services are part of the Grand Conspiracy, and besides, they are clearly beneath Shirley, who lectures me from time to time that I “do not understand who [she is] in the world.”
Help…..
Friday, Aug 6, 2021 · 2:36:27 PM +00:00
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skralyx
Wow! I was hoping for a few helpful comments, but instead it’s a deluge! Some people in the comments advised me to leave the diary up because it could also help other people with similar problems, and now I feel like perhaps that’s the right thing to do. I can’t thank all of you enough for taking the time to give your thoughtful responses.