Donald Trump’s every move throughout his life has been transactional, so I can only imagine his wife, Melania, has taken a similar tack. She probably figured Trump’s wheezing heart would eventually explode like a pepperoni Hot Pocket left in the microwave too long, and she’d cash out before his rancid seed could ever find purchase. At worst she’d be forced to watch in bemusement—and something approaching measured panic—as a team of NOAA marine biologists pushed his clammy, purpling carcass off her lest she be forced to 127 Hours her way out of danger.
Or, hey, maybe they’re actually star-crossed lovers who are both still as desperately in love with Donald as they were when they married. Who knows, really?
What we do know, however—if recent reporting from CNN is accurate—is that Melania doesn’t want Trump to be president again. And here you thought you’d never agree with her on anything.
According to CNN:
Melania Trump's disinterest in public political life runs deep enough that she has gone so far as to tell several friends that not only does she not intend to bolster her husband's inflated political ambitions, she has zero desire for a White House redux, according to several people who spoke with CNN about her mindset. "Being first lady again is not what she wants," said one of the people, who had a close relationship with Trump during her White House tenure. "For her, it was a chapter -- and it's over, and that's that."
Yes, it was a chapter. I just can’t decide if it was a chapter from a kids’ pop-up book or Naked Lunch.
She views her husband's continued impact on the GOP landscape as his job, not hers. "You're not going to see her at rallies or campaign events, even if he 'officially' says he's running again," said another person aware of the disinterest Trump has shown in supporting the former President. "Instead it's going to be Lara (Trump, the wife of Trump's son, Eric) or (Kimberly) Guilfoyle (the girlfriend of Trump's eldest son, Don). They have that same urge Trump has to (run) again; Melania absolutely does not."
Yes, by all means, bring back Kimberly Guilfoyle. She needs the work anyway. Her ASMR videos are fucking terrible.
Trump's life now is still private, more so than it could be by the nature of her role in Washington. "That's how she likes it. The more she can be private and not in the public eye, the better," said another person who has known Trump socially for more than a decade. "And there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, if every single person in the world watched your every move for four or five years, and that wasn't comfortable for you -- just imagine how triggering that must have been."
The Trump years were triggering for Melania? Hmm. How does that feel, I wonder? God forbid she actually do something to prevent all that triggering. Maybe pipe up about this, huh, Mel? If you can’t talk your husband out of running in 2024, maybe you can think of a way to sink his candidacy. Duct-taping him to his toilet would be an acceptable measure, but I’m sure there are easier ways.
This morning, Kate Bennett, who authored Free, Melania, appeared on CNN’s Inside Politics with host Kaitlan Collins to discuss her reporting:
KAITLIN COLLINS (HOST): “Former president Donald Trump says he’s already made a decision about whether to run again in 2024. He won’t say what that decision is, only that his supporters will, quote, ‘be very, very happy.’ But sources tell CNN that one person who won’t be happy if he runs again is the former first lady, Melania Trump. CNN’s Kate Bennett joins the panel now with her exclusive reporting. So, Kate, what did you learn?”
BENNETT: “Well, I mean, not unlike 2016, Melania Trump has no intention really of joining the campaign or of being a prolific presence. I’ve spoke to people who said that she’s not really even interested in being in the White House again, going through being first lady again. We know she’s an extremely private person and that being in the public eye wasn’t necessarily something she wanted to do in the first place. She’s retreated now back to Mar-a-Lago, being a mom, etc., and she really has no interest in helping her husband with his, perceived, as we all know, his next step, political ambitions.”
COLLINS: “We often see politicians say they consulted their spouse before they announced that they were running for office, again, certainly if they’re running for president. Is this not a conversation that’s happening?”
BENNETT: “Of course not. I don’t think that’s how they operate. You know, people are under the misconception that this is a couple that don’t spend time together, they don’t talk. It’s really not true. They have very independent lives, but they do consult one another. However, you know, in 2016 when she was asked to do events, asked to go on campaign events and rallies, the answer was ‘no’ so often that people on Trump’s campaign just stopped asking her, because it was always going to be a no, and we’ll see that again this time around.”
Please, please, please, Melania. Save the republic … and all my breakfasts going forward. If you can’t brook another four years of this rampaging clown sphincter hoovering up your hopes and dreams, imagine how the rest of us plebs feel.
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