Whatever Mike Lindell has been using his phone for, the U.S. House Select Committee to Investigate the Jan. 6 Attack on the United States Capitol appears poised to find out. They’ve subpoenaed the Pillow Man’s phone records, and the delusional Donald Trump devotee has responded with his usual feckless flailing.
But what could possibly be in Lindell’s phone records—other than an outline of a plot to vaporize American democracy, that is? For some reason, I’m picturing an interminable series of calls to a Duluth Culver’s, asking if he needs a reservation—and about 400 butt-dials between Lindell’s and Rudy Giuliani’s ruddy, unwitting rumps.
CNBC:
“I wasn’t there on January 6th and yes they did subpoena my phone records but we filed a complaint for declaratory and injunctive relief against the January 6th committee and Verizon to completely invalidate this corrupt subpoena,” Lindell said in a text message to CNBC on Wednesday, the eve of the one-year anniversary of the attack on the Capitol.
...
Lindell told CNBC in a later phone interview that he filed the legal complaint Wednesday in federal court in Minneapolis. He said he received a notice from Verizon about the subpoena no more than 10 days ago and that he was informed the committee wanted his phone records from November through early January.
Lindell filed a legal complaint? Is it as airtight as that lawsuit he’s trying to get in front of the Supreme Court? Sadly, I don’t think they’re listening. He may have to start dropping leaflets on Sonia Sotomayor’s house from a rented Piper Cub. Semaphore flags are another promising avenue.
Anyway, the reason the House Jan. 6 committee shouldn’t be able to see Lindell’s records, according to Lindell, is the same reason he gives for everything: loads and loads o’ Jesus!
From Lindell’s complaint:
Mr. Lindell has widely publicized that his 2020 election integrity activities are motivated, in part, by his strongly held religious beliefs. He has organized national religious leaders and others with similar religious beliefs to join him in his 2020 election integrity activities. Mr. Lindell’s activities are widely known. His speeches and publications regularly articulate his religious belief and the scriptural basis for it. He regularly associates with others holding similar religious beliefs to organize 2020 election integrity activities. Mr. Lindell also associates with numerous other persons who may or may not be public figures, whose identity and association with him is not publicly known, who wish to have such contacts remain confidential. Disclosure of those contacts will chill if not end such informational and organizational efforts. Mr. Lindell engages in direct lobbying of elected officials, and encourages others to do the same. Compelling disclosure of Mr. Lindell’s religious and political activities and associations is a violation of his First Amendment Freedom of Association rights, Free Exercise of Religion rights, as well as Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Press, and Freedom of Assembly rights.
Okay, I’m no lawyer, but … is probably what Lindell’s VCR repairman said before writing this complaint.
That said, I’m not sure you can defy a duly issued subpoena just because you credit Jesus for your lack of understanding of how elections work. Of course, Lindell often says—when he’s not giving precise dates for Donald Trump’s return to the White House—that the 2020 election will be reversed in “God’s time.” Sadly, he’s been saying this for months, and I’m starting to think he means “Godot’s time.”
Of course, Pillow Man isn’t the only pillow head defying subpoenas. Podcaster and anthropomorphic mulch pile Steven Bannon is openly flipping off Congress, and Mike Flynn, who was Trump’s national security adviser for a brief time and his loyal colon polyp in the years since, has also sued to keep his records from the committee.
Meanwhile, Lindell appears to be lying about his involvement in the Jan. 6 insurrection. As CNBC reports, Lindell still maintains he had nothing to do with the coup, but he was seen by “multiple people” mingling with some of the more notorious coup plotters—including close Trump associates Peter Navarro and Rudy Giuliani—on Jan. 5 at the Trump International Hotel.
Lindell told CNBC that he wasn’t at that meeting but had stayed at the hotel. Unfortunately for Mike, CNBC tracked down a Facebook post from Txtwire CEO Daniel Beck that puts Lindell at the scene of the crime: “Fifteen of us spent the evening with Donald Trump Jr., Kimberly Guilfoyle, Tommy Tuberville, Michael J. Lindell, Peter Navarro, and Rudy Giuliani. We talked about the elections, illegal votes, court cases, the republics’ status, what to expect on the hill tomorrow. TRUMP WILL RETAIN THE PRESIDENCY!!!”
Sounds a wee bit insurrection-y to me.
Meanwhile, Lindell was famously photographed on Jan. 15, 2021 outside the White House with papers that referred to “martial law if necessary.”
So, yeah, he’s up to his neck in rancid pillow foam, and the House Jan. 6 committee is about to find out just how rancid it is. Stay tuned.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
