There are some products you just know will be flops right out of the gate. New Coke. Crystal Pepsi. Google Glass. Anything with the word “Trump” in it. The special edition Rudy Giuliani RealDoll, with complimentary head-goo refills and kung-fu grip.
The Right Stuff, a new dating app for horny conservatives who don’t want to befoul their brains with the languorous sex hormones of soy boy beta cucks like moi, appears to be one such offering.
In an earlier dispatch, Daily Kos reported that the app was having trouble attracting the ladies—possibly because men who idolize serial sexual assaulters and want to force women to give birth to their rapists’ babies have a surprisingly narrow appeal.
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New data appears to confirm those earlier reports. After debuting on the App Store on Sept. 30 with 6,000 downloads, and then topping that with 7,000 the next day, the platform’s fortunes have suddenly taken a turn.
The Daily Beast, citing analytics firms Sensor Tower and data.ai:
Since [Oct. 1], interest has plummeted; estimated downloads stood at about 1,000 per day on Oct. 8, 9, and 10. As of midday on Wednesday, The Right Stuff had dropped to 160th in the lifestyle section rankings of the App Store, according to Appfigures.
Not helping matters: Users and trolls—utilizing bogus names including “Big Chungus”—have carpet-bombed the startup with terrible reviews. It currently holds a rating of just 2.6 out of five, with more than 60 percent of its feedback considered negative.
Wait—how can they be so sure Big Chungus isn’t a real user?
Of course, while it may seem just a tad rude to gainsay The Daily Beast’s reportage, it’s important to note that these reviews aren’t actually “terrible” so much as “really fucking awesome.”
To wit:
While numerous prospective daters did leave positive feedback celebrating the “conservative haven from heaven,” even some of the five-star ratings were insults in disguise. “I’ve found so many perfect women on here, and the best part [is] that they’re all white!” reads one satirical rating left on Oct. 7. “I found my current girlfriend on this app, and she is just perfect. We’ve been dating for 1 1/2 years now, but we’ve been related for 18.”
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Other potential users have complained that the invite-only app is taking too long to approve new profiles, “rendering the app unusable for some who downloaded it.” In a reply to one such complaint, The Right Stuff noted that it had made the app invitation-only in order to keep out “the plethora of miserable liberal trolls.”
I can almost guarantee a dating app called Miserable Liberal Trolls would fare better than this Vienna sausage party.
Of course, The Right Stuff isn’t the first app to dip its toe into the quaggy gonorrhea paella that is the GOP gene pool. In late 2018, a platform called Righter aimed to match aspiring p*ssy-grabbers with suitable consorts.
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Righter apparently still exists, but its Twitter account hasn’t made a peep since March 2020, which is right around the time conservatives began spreading their freedom phlegm from sea to shining sea. The app itself also hasn’t been updated since February 2020.
So many right-wing dating apps have flopped—and they all flop—in recent years. Who could forget Hannidate? (We all did.)
More recently, in the most unironic development, like, ever, a platform called Trump.Dating launched in early 2018—with a convicted child sex abuser serving as the red-hatted face of the company.
Not sure what happened with that one, but the link Mother Jones included in its story on the launch is currently as dead as Trump’s fans hoped Mike Pence would be.
Of course, anyone still interested in dating a conservative can glean some tips from these young ladies, who are totally not actors. How dare you even suggest such a thing?
Really? Conservative men have better manners than liberal men? Sure, I may think going out of my way to open car doors for adult, able-bodied women is silly, but at least I’m polite enough to let them make their own decisions about their bodies.
But hey, the heart wants what it wants. And if someone’s heart wants to totally shiv their uterus, well, that’s their prerogative, now isn’t it?