There sure is a lot going on, isn’t there? Censorship is on the rise, piss baby extraordinaire Allison Steinberg is -- when she’s not too busy crying about Pride Flags -- advocating for all the good residents of Cousinfuck County to rip open packages of Beyond Meat and leave them in the grocery store to spoil (just more evidence for how pushy vegans are, am I right?). Oh, and speaking of meat, let’s not forget that global warming is inching ever closer to turning the world into god’s personal barbecue pit.
With all that said, let’s talk about Edward D. Wood; more specifically, let’s talk about the 2014 Ed Wood anthology Blood Splatter Quickly, the much anticipated sequel to Cold Butter Spreads Awkwardly which I just made up.
While many of you probably know Eddy best as the director of such oddball classics as Glen or Glenda? (see the movie to find out which) and Plan 9 From Outer Space (often called “the worst movie ever made” by people that never saw 30 Days of Night), or perhaps more accurately from the movie in which Johnny Depp played the guy directing Glen or Glenda? and Plan 9 From Outer Space, but significantly fewer people know anything about his literary career. Fortunately, the good folks at OR Books have taken it upon themselves to further our education, and if this were the education we got in school, maybe I’d be employed now. Anyway, below are reviews for each of the stories in the collection, or at least as many as I get around to before I lose interest in this project. These are stories written late in Wood’s career/life and sold to the few remaining pulp magazines and the lowest of low-rent porno publications, so hold your nose and let’s hope the pages don’t stick, ‘cause we’re divin’ in head first!
Oh, first I should mention that spoilers will be addressed when necessary. I’m also taking this an an opportunity to issue a big fat trigger warning since some of these stories tackle unsavory subjects and I don’t want any of you bitching at me in the comments. Now, in the words of The Ramones “Hey Oh, Let’s Go!”
Scream Your Bloody Head Off (1972) -- Johnnie is a low-life scum-nut that cheats on his wife, Stella. When Stella finds out she attempts to knife him in the back and he kills her instead. The rest of the story involves the steps Johnnie takes to hide the body until the ironic twist ending. Like most stories in this collection, Ed employs a sort of stream of consciousness style that is at once laughably cheesy and oddly compelling, something which is not uncommon for Ed Wood.
Hellfire (1972) -- The first porno story in the collection (*insert Wood-related pun here*). This one involves Satan having his way with a prostitute in hell, then ascending to the surface world to, uh, solicit prostitutes. Along the way, he gets into a fight with some pimps, recites dialogue like this: “All the world is naked…When one has Lived, all must be naked.” We also get narration like this-- “He came away from the red, stain-covered bed and cleaned himself off with the magical movement of a finger and flipped the sexual debris toward her chin.” So if you weren’t interested in reading this book before, I’ll bet you are now!
No Atheists In the Grave (1971) -- (Mild spoilers) One of the more serious stories in this collection. This one focuses on a priest whose weariness and growing apathy starts to affect his ability to give spiritual aid and comfort to American soldiers serving in Vietnam. He considers going back home and hanging up his white collar for good when a sudden explosion propels him back into action. At first I believed this story to be an inspiring tale of never giving up on your goals no matter how desperate things may seem, but after rereading it, I see that I had misinterpreted it; this is, in fact, a bitterly nihilistic story about some people’s stubborn dedication to a task that they know to be draining and fruitless for the simple reason that they don’t know how to stop doing it. In other words, it’s not really about Vietnam at all -- it’s about Ed Wood. Ed Wood the disillusioned alcoholic unsatisfied with his stance in the entertainment arts, desperately trying to elevate his status and all the while knowing that he was already as respected and successful as he would ever be. Call it an addiction to effort. As a struggling artist myself, I can relate to this very well, though I also find it rather frustrating coming from Ed Wood, a man with several movies, novels and short stories under his belt. Still, I understand what he’s getting at; how often have you felt like all your ambitions ever amounted to, was a way to kill time while time kills you? It should also be mentioned that Ed Wood, for all his literary and cinematic fauts, is a master of atmosphere; his opening description of the Vietnam jungle will make you feel as if you yourself are standing in the middle of a green inferno.
To Kill A Saturday Night (1972) -- (SPOILERS! SPOILERS! I GIVE AWAY THE WHOLE DAMN ENDING!) “The life of every individual, viewed as a whole and in general, and when only its most significant features are emphasized, is really a tragedy; but gone through in detail it has the character of a comedy”. This is not only my favorite quote from the great philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, but it has the added benefit being the only one I know. It also applies to this story remarkably well. Written under the pseudonym Ann Gora (clever) this tells the tale of two winos in a rundown little town debating the potential merits of killing and robbing the local hookers for extra booze money. Most of the story is dedicated to them discussing and planning out their murder spree and just when you begin to notice that you’re nearing the last page and wonder when they’re going to start putting their plan into action, one of the drunks asks if this is something they’re going to attempt that night to which the mastermind responds by saying that it’s too late and they’re too drunk, but they’ll definitely through with it next Saturday. The brilliance of this story is how it draws the reader into its bleak and foreboding atmosphere, carefully disguising its humorous intent before socking you with a punchline of two would-be villains that just don’t have the ambition to really do anything villainous. Another aspect that makes this story so compelling is in the blending of gallows humor and genuine angst; even after the joke is revealed, the oppressive mood remains, so when you first get to the punchline, you realize that you read a joke disguised as a deep dark psycho-drama, before realizing that in retrospect it was really a deep dark psycho-drama disguised as a joke. Black comedy at its finest.
Blood Splatters Quickly (1973) -- I have no idea what the title really means since there aren’t really any vivid descriptions of bloodshed. I guess it just sounds cool, and the fact that this title was chosen to represent the entire anthology further indicates that. The plot revolves around a man setting out to avenge his sister whom he believes to have been murdered by her boss and whom he may or may not have been having incestrious relations with. Not the best story in the collection, but still good twisted fun.
Island Devoice (1969) -- One of a handful of gay interest stories found in this collection. This one centers around an aging homosexual aristocrat whose desire to fulfill his sexual needs while remaining undiscovered leads him to take beatings and get taken advantage by the young gigolos he hires. Finally, he means a young man who seems legitimately interested in him. Things start to look up until our hopes are dashed against the rocks by a downer of the twist ending. To call it a downer is not a criticism; on the contrary, it works perfectly for what Eddy wants to accomplish. It’s also worth mentioning that while Ed Wood can come off as homophobic at times, stories like the one give their gay protagonists more than a fair amount of sympathy and show how the societal stigma against homosexuality can make innocent people easy prey for unscrupulous individuals in the know.
Missionary (Position) Impossible (1971) (Spoilers) -- This one’s a spoof of the jungle pulps and serial adventures that Ed Wood absorbed throughout his childhood and like To Kill A Saturday Night, the comedic intent is held back until just the right moment; well, the title makes it a little more obvious, but…shut up. The premise revolves around two missionaries braving a smoldering and treacherous jungle in the hopes of finding the fabled “White Queen” and convincing her to go back to the city with them. The punchline, while not exactly PC, is in my estimation, really damn funny, especially when you don’t see it coming, though I have a feeling some of you more astute readers may have figured it out from the description. (Hey, I warned you about spoilers). Some may argue that the joke has too much buildup, with more attention paid to character motivation and describing the perilous ambience of the jungle, but I’d say it works in the story’s favor; setting up a straight-laced adventure so that the joke can catch you off guard. One criticism is the way in which Wood describes the native language as “monkey-like chatter”; look, Ed; we know you’re trying to capture the aesthetic of a 1930’s jungle pulp, but feel free to take some liberties.
Dracula Revisited (1971) -- One of the technically worst but most fun things about Ed Wood’s style is his tendency to overwrite. Wood tries hard for style; especially when it comes to his horror stories, and while being hit and miss on a technical level, there’s no denying that his overblown narration can be a joy to read. Such is the case with this tale of a man (not Renfield) whose curiosity leads him to hop aboard the nightly stagecoach to Dracula’s castle, after which he relates all the strange and terrifying happenings he witnessed.
The Night The Banshee Cried (1971) -- A recently deceased woman is pulled from her coffin by some unseen, and obnoxiously loud, force. There’s a little more character development then in the previous story, but atmosphere is still the main focus here, and why not; it is Ed’s main strength. I imagine that this was written sometime in October since the goal seems to be putting the reader in the Halloween spirit, which it does very successfully. The twist ending is pretty good too.
The Wave Off (1971) (Spoiler) -- A navy pilot ponders his marriage and considers his wife’s sensible idea of leaving the military in favor of some higher paying (and substantially safer) civilian job. Instead, he says “fuck that” and continues being a navy pilot. This is likely about how E’s then wife Kathy Wood, was trying to get Ed to quit motion pictures and focus exclusively on his literary career, since books are cheaper to make and far less financially risky. Ed couldn't bring himself to do this, however, as cinema was the first art form he ever fell in love with and he wasn’t ready to give up on it yet. This could be seen as a slightly more optimistic version of No Atheists in the Grave.
The Gorey Details (1972) -- A gruesome murder mystery that ends with a wonderfully dumb molar-pun. Eddy wisely keeps the mystery simple enough to fit into the confines of a short story while still surprising you with the ending. The actual murders are preformed “off-screen”, or off-page, I guess, but still gives vivid descriptions of each aftermath, so readers can’t complain about not getting all the gorey details.
Just One Question (1973) -- Many of Ed Wood’s stories revolve around desperate alcoholics scheming for more booze money. Well, you write what you know. In this one, Harry Kling is a wino who is talked into robbing the local liquor store by his, for lack of a better word, “girlfriend” Millie. They don’t have what you would call a loving relationship; Millie is a fat slob with a Nancy Grace personality and Harry is a smelly ambitionless drunk with no personality, but they’re still good enough to relive each other’s, uh, tension (you know what ‘m saying) so long as they can both stay drunk enough to stand each other. Unfortunately, money is tight for those who hardly work, so Millie comes up with an idea-- rob the liquor store. Harry asks if he can not and say he’s going to, a’la To Kill A Saturday Night (oh, um, spoiler for To Kill A Saturday Night), but Millie reminds him that he doesn’t, there are plenty of desperate men who will. Reluctantly, he breaks into the store, has one fleeting moment of heroism and is then promptly, and figuratively, screwed (notice how I gave away the entire story without any spoilers? I’m proud of that). I can’t help but wonder if Ed ever fantasied about robbing a liquor store himself and if the events that played in his head became the basis for this story. Millie’s great line; "I gotta get me a good man that can keep the booze comin' in here. I ain't got a lot of time left on this earth and what time I do got I aim to drink my way through." seems to be a clear reflection of Eddy’s increasingly pessimistic attitude toward life, the same attitude I find myself taking each time another aspect of my life is swallowed by the internet (it’s becoming more difficult to read, watch a movie or listen to music without the internet. Pretty soon you’ll need a wi-fi hookup just to scratch your ass). All ranting aside, this is a well written character piece told with pathos and humor. Another highlight.
I, Warlock (1971) -- I won’t bother telling you the plot because it doesn't have one. Rather this is purely an exercise in Gothic prose that reads something like a cross between H.P. Lovecraft and a somewhat coherent William S. Burrows. A good choice to read to your kids on Halloween; just skip over the parts about drinking semen and don’t show them the illustration. On second thought, don’t show this to your kids.
Talking Off (1971) -- A simple, charming coming of age tale in which a young woman or old girl (she’s 17, so take your pick) with ambitions to be a movie star is living in the nothing, nowhere, nada town of Gartersville. Sadly, her lust for life in a life fueled by lust (she’s bored and horny) is restricted by the fact that she, to reiterate; lives in a desolate, nowhere, nothing, jackshit town called Gartersville. It’s only the hypocrisy of her parents that drives her to take the necessary step towards freedom and adulthood.
Sex Star (1973) -- As fans of “vintage” pornography will tell you, there was a time when porno movies actually used to be real movies. Like with a plot and crap. What they won’t tell you is that they were often really, really, really bad movies. Don’t get me wrong; genuinely eventful and artistic smut does exist, but for every Cafe Flesh one must sort through an entire landfill of Debbie Does Dallas’s. As a result, it is the cinematic subgenre I have the least amount of patience for and, while I haven’t read much pornographic literature, I’m going to go out on a limb and say the same principle applies there too. Ed Wood himself hated writing smut, considering it beneath his talents, but like his horror idol, Bela Lugosi, he always tried to make the best out of whatever he was doing, and this story is pretty decent. It’s a cute little tale of a sexual unfulfilled housewife who turns to staring in porno loops as a means of satisfying her libertine desires. The twist in the end is predictable, but it is sort of refreshing to see a story in this collection with a happy ending.
Epitaph For The Village Drunk (1973) -- The town drunks gather around to discuss the burying of Rance Tensite, one of their buddies and the drunkest of all the drunken drunks in the village. It seems that he had become an unsung village hero just before his death by rescuing a child from a frozen creek. However Sheriff Asshole locked him in a freezing jail cell for public drunkenness. Rance, still wet and trying to get warm, sets the bedding on fire, ends up dying of smoke inhalation and that’s all she wrote (she was not a prolific writer). The story focuses on Rance’s friends as they reminisce about what kind of man Rance was. This comes off as one of the most personal stories in his collection as well as one of the best.
The Autograph (1974) -- This gay porno starts out promisingly with a fart. An interviewer is interviewing-- as interviewers often do-- the first American western star to come out as gay (I’m not going to speculate on if this character is based on Rock Hudson or Randoph Scott, but it is possible). The interviewer farts in front of him, embarrassing himself, but the star quickly puts him at ease with his laid back humor. As it happens, the interviewer is gay too. Hmm, where could this possibly be going? Eddy does his best with the limitations of short story erotica. The conversation is fairly interesting and he even injects a little social-commentary into the mix. Eddy seems genuinely interested in what it would be like if a Hollywood actor, best known for tough-guy roles, came out as gay Like Sex Star, this falls into the not-bad for-what-it-is category.
Superfruit (1971) -- Originally published in the pages of Meatrack (a porno magazine if you haven’t guessed), this one revolves around a gay man by the name of Lawrence coming to his friend, Rance (yes, another Rance) with a problem— his business partner (and lover), William recently died leaving the not-so-business minded Lawrence on his own. Rance gives him a radical piece of advice for the early seventies -- come out of the closet. While published in a dirty magazine, Ed portrays the relationship between both men as a platonic friendship and there is little about them that is stereotypical save for Rance using a princess phone. The story ends on a joke and it’s kind of a lame one, but again, it’s nice to have well drawn gay characters rather than swishy cartoon caricatures (even if I did laugh at Missionary Position Impossible. Oh, uh, spoiler for MPI). As also demonstrated in The Autograph, Ed shows that he is well in favor of homosexuals freeing themselves from the confines of closets. It seems a little odd considering how homophobic he came off in his 1968 “non-fiction”, book Sex Museum in which he clamed that Third Reich was run by homosexuals. That said, in the same book, he tells us that women in the 1920’s killed themselves trying to fornicate with dismantled car parts, so I’m not entirely sure how seriously we were meant to take the material.
Flowers For Flame Lemarr (1973) -- Flame Lemarr is a bitchy berquease stripper whose primadonna attitude and violent outbursts are driving the other employees crazy. Unfortunately, the sentimental owner of the establishment is unwilling to give her up so easily. There’s some really good dialogue in this one.
Private Girl (1975) -- Shot but not so sweet; this one involves a high class call girl whose ever advancing age threatens to knock her off her prostitute pedestal. Her pimp does his best to assure her that her fears are unfounded, but we the readers know the truth. The title didn’t make this seem especially promising, but I found it surprisingly impactful. Ed’s treatment of prostitutes is more sympathetic than one would expect from a story of this nature and I have a feeling, that at this point in his life, Ed felt a bit like a prostitute himself.
Breasts Of The Chicken (1972) -- When we think of Ed Wood and horror, we typically think of camp, and not generally intentional camp. More the “Com’on guys, I’m being really serious. Quit laughing at me”, variety of camp. With that said, there’s something about this story which is genuinely unnerving. The plot revolves around a man (you probably won’t believe this, but his name is Rance) who gets an invite to a special dining experience -- at a cannibal restaurant! (Come on, I didn’t spoil anything. You know you saw it coming). More specifically, a cannibal restaurant wherein male guests are invited to dine on the breasts of the drugged up and tied up woman of their choice. Of course, this ends with one of those ironic EC comics-style twist endings, and it is a cool twist even though it doesn’t make sense when you stop to think about it, so I’d recommend treating it like the dimension where Hitler cured cancer. These days when we’re hearing more and more about secret entertainments for rich degenerates, this story is more chilling today than it was in the 70’s. What once must have been looked upon as a trashy shock-story is now serious business. Ed tones down his typically overblown writing style for a more quietly foreboding presentation and the enthusiasm in describing the preparation of the breast for consumption is disturbingly infectious; I actually found myself getting hungry and I’m a vegan!
Never A Stupid Reflection (1973) (Bit of a spoiler) -- This appears to be Eddy at his most self-flagellating. In it, a young woman (or old girl. She’s 19, you decide) is trying to live on her own for the first time. The only problem is that she’s an idiot. The narrative starts off feeling somewhat comedic as our poor, dumb protagonist jumps from job to job after continuously getting fired for her incompetence and all the while trying to convince herself that she is actually quite smart, before shifting to a more despairing tone. I take this as a reflection on Ed’s own bad financial decisions and endless criticism (when his movies were acknowledged at all) that lead to him wondering “Am I just a defective person?” This is one of the saddest in the bunch. The fact that the tragic ending involves our protagonist getting drunk is also telling.
Scene Of The Crime (1972) -- Likely inspired by the murder of Kitty Genovese, the entire narrative for this one is delivered in the form of on-the-spot television coverage. A TV reporter interviews the witnesses of a murder that took place in broad daylight, inevitably asking some variation of “Did you attempt to help the victim?” or “Why didn’t you intervene?” The message that is creatively, if somewhat heavy-handedly, delivered is that one should always do what they can to prevent tragedy. Ed himself had experience with this when, according to his wife Kathy Wood in the book Nightmare in Ecstasy: The Life and Art of Edward D. Wood Jr.; Ed blew the whistle on child pornographers operating the rundown apartment building where they were living at the time. Ed was sent to the hospital (the bills for which he could barely afford) as a result of the beating he suffered from the kitty-smut purveyors, but didn’t regret it. I’m not sure if this story was written before or after the event described, but it was clearly intended to promote this value.
In The Stoney Lonesome (1972) -- We begin with a young boy who manages to overcome his fear of the local graveyard (the one he has to pass through to get home), only grow up to be a mob enforcer and serial rapist (but hey, at least he’s not a cereal rapist-- Leave Captain Crunch alone, you bastard!). Interestingly, he likes his victims young and the graveyard is where he likes to rape ‘em, almost like he’s aware that there is still a frightened child somewhere inside of him that he’s still trying to get rid of. Deep eh? Anyway, the supernatural element comes back to bite him in the ass (not literally), bringing the story full circle. An effective chiller.
Come Inn (1971) -- This might be the best of Eddy’s porno stories and Eddy himself must have been proud of it because he wrote it three times; once as a novel called The Only House, once as a slightly above average porno movie called Necromania: A Tale of Weird Love and once as a short story called…well, just look up, the title’s right there. Anywhose, It revolves around an (unmarried) couple going to a necromancer in the hopes of fixing the man’s sexual impotence (get it? They’re going to raise him from the dead). Frankly, I think the problem really just stems from his girlfriend being a bitch. All she does is belittle the guy. This one falls into the ‘dumb but fun’ camp. Ed Wood mentions one of his cinematic heroes-cum (no pun intended)-personal friend, Bela Lugosi. It’s a nice homage, though I’m not sure how a conservative European gentleman like Bela Lugosi would appreciate being mentioned in a story where a guy gets raped in a coffin.
The Day the Mummy Returned (1971) -- An Egyptian themed horror tale from the point of view of the mummy. It seems that Mr. Mummy is denied access to the river of the dead because Rukari stole his sacred seal (asshole). Luckily some explorers have entered the tomb and their deaths shall be the mummy’s gain. Fun, unpretentious, old-fashioned pulp. I recommend reading it while listening to Walk Like An Egyptian by The Bangles.
The Day Into My Grave (1971) -- This one’s a dark comedy about a really grumpy corpse being laid to rest. He read the dead man’s thoughts as he gets annoyed by mourners (“What the hell is all the crying for?) irritably wonders who his pallbearers are (“I wish they’d say something so I’d know who got stuck with this job”) bitches about his last rites (“I wish I could move--I’d tell him where to put that water and that stick of his.”) and complains about the flowers (“If they don’t take these damn flowers away, I’ll sneeze”), then silence.
2 X Double (1973) -- A married couple can’t seem to make the sexual side of their relationship work until they discover the joys of sadomasochism. The premise is kind of interesting, but the short story format doesn’t do it justice. Maybe it could have been better explored in a full-length novel or movie as there is some potential for a mature psychological porno that could study the topic of a sado-masochistic relationship in-depth; something akin to Nagisa Ōshima’s Realm of the Senses. On the other hand, it would more likely end up being the cinematic equivalent of stagnant water like most kink-porn, so maybe it is better to keep as a short story. Who’s to say?
Craps (1971) -- Another one of Eddy’s dialogue-driven character pieces. This time, it’s set at a funeral where the town’s best craps player is being put to rest. From the conversation his friends have about him, we learn that he was the best gambler in town and that he was robbed and murdered, likely by someone who was too intimidated by his gambling prowess to try his hand at winning the money fairly. Ed had a real soft spot for the losers and outcasts of society and depicts them with uncondescending sympathy.
Calamity Jane Loves Horsenose Kate Loves Cattle Anne (1971) -- Shortly after the murder of Wyatt Earp, the jealous Calamity Jane makes up her mind to go a’ gunnin’ for his former lover, Cattle Anne, against the warnings of lesbian bartender, Horsenose Kate. This is one of Wood’s joke-stories and this time the comedy is apparent from the get go, with a couple of funny running gags such as Jane throwing whisky in Kate’s face and Kate licking it off her lips and Kate suggesting that Jane lick cattle Anne instead of fighting her and Jan, confused, telling her that she intends to “lick” her, she just has to fight her to do it (lick has a double meaning, you see). Overall it’s an amusing little tale.
Pray For Rain (1971) -- You may have noticed that desperation and hopelessness were prevalent themes at this point in Ed Wood’s career. This story is no exception, though it does offer a little more hope than some of the others. This one revolves around a town council meeting discussing the lack of rain making the town unlivable and what could potentially be done about it. These stories, while not as eventful as his horror or crime tales, do stand out for their attention to character and fine use of gallows humor.
The Whorehouse Horror: A Touch Of Terror (1972) -- A prostitute is recruted to a new house (against her better judgment) and ends up…well, I shouldn’t give away the twist. I’ll just say that it’s simple, but effective.
Final Curtain (1971) -- The last story in the anthology is a literary recreation of a short film Ed Wood made in 1957, or technically 1956 since the footage came from the then unreleased The Night of the Ghouls (Eddy couldn’t pay the so the movie remained unreleased until it was discovered and went direct to video around 1985). It’s another one where there isn’t much of a plot, but is more of an exercise in gloriously campy overwriting.
Conclusion (2022): The Tim Burton movie emitted several details from Ed Wood’s life for the simple reason that they wanted it to be a comedy. In actuality, his life was more of a tragedy, though in all fairness there isn’t really any difference as, when you get right down to it, laughing is just an alternative to crying with crying being a alternative to murder. Many including Ed Wood himself, would say that he was failure, but this is far from the truth; Ed Wood lived his dream, directing movies, writing books and short stories (and getting them published. An even more amazing feat!), not to mention getting to work with several of his idols such as Tom Keene and, of course, Bela Lugosi. Ed had more success in his fifty-three years than most people living in the self-imposed hell of entertainment arts have been able to achieve in a full lifetime, but was too concerned with being liked to appreciate it; taking too much stock in such trivial bullshit as what critics think. Contrary to popular believe, he even had something of a cult following while he was alive; a Halloween novelty song titled Voodoo Doll which I believe to have been recorded in the late fifties or early sixties (different sources list different years), was recorded under the name Glenda & Glen. That’s not half bad, Eddy. The real tragedy wasn’t that he was a failure, it was that he never realized how much of a success he really was.
Alcohol was a major contributor to this problem; without it, he could have made a comfortable living like Roger Corman or H.G. Lewis. Excessive drinking caused Eddy to make bad business decisions such as offering anyone who got in the way of production a share of the profits and not investing in his own films (contrary to popular belief, Plan 9 From Outer Space and Bride of the Monster did make money; Ed just didn’t see any of it). This addiction to fermented poison is what pushed him into having to write smut for a living, a career that got worse as he went from semi-ambitions skin flicks like Orgy of the Dead (remember, I said semi-ambitious) to stage loops; loops being roughly six minute long strips of celluloid filler that feature literally nothing but people fucking, kind of like porno as we know it today but mercifully shorter. This caused Wood much embarrassment and when he and Kathy Wood managed a vacation to the Mayan tombs, Ed was hit by a bolt on inspiration to make a horror movie in that setting. Not only is Mayan mummy movie fun to say, but it would have been Ed Wood’s ticket out of the smut racket and back to making respectable b-productions. He even found a producer that was interested, at least partly because he too liked saying Mayan mummy movie, and he gave Ed money to bring the idea to life…which he spent all on whisky to celebrate and it was right back to the porno mines. Alcohol is responsible for many deaths, broken families, lost friendships and mental illnesses, all of which I can overlook, but when it comes to denying us the existence of an Ed Wood Mayan mummy movie; well, that’s the last straw. I gave up drinking immediately after I read that.
In the world of entertainment arts, the name Ed Wood is essentially a punchline, and yes, even I can have a hearty laugh as Tor Johnson tries in vain to raise his four-hundred and forty pound frame from the grave, but I contest any claim that he was talentless; I’ll acknowledge that he wasn’t very careful as a director or a writer and he obviously didn’t view his own work with the critical eye that really could have helped him, but considering that we live in a world where the likes of 50 Shades of Gray is a bestseller and that some hack directors like David Slade are praised for talent they clearly don’t have, I don’t see how I could be wrong in calling Ed Wood underrated. This anthology is proof, for while there are some stories that do fit into the so-bad-they’re-good category; there are many more that work exactly as intended. Many are sad, funny (on purpose), disturbing and thought-provoking. They can go from depressingly nihilistic or oddly hopeful and back again. Suffice to say, Blood Splatters Quickly is a flawed but highly entertaining masterpiece and a penetrating look into a flawed but endlessly fascinating artist.
Oh boy, it’s shameless self-promotion time! Would you believe I have two books out myself? Here’s one: https://www.lulu.com/shop/matthew-dalldorf/dying-is-easy/paperback/product-9wd2mg.html?q=dying+is+easy&page=1&pageSize=4 Here’s another: https://www.lulu.com/shop/matthew-thompson-dalldorf/buy-my-shorts/paperback/product-ve2kpj.html?q=buy+my+shorts&page=1&pageSize=4 See? I tell you no lies. Now I should warn the devoutly religious out there that my books are in fact genuine physical books, but, BUT you are still ordering them online, so I don’t think it would be too much of a sacrilege. You may still want to ask permission from your Devine digital overlord before ordering. Just as a precaution.