On October 4, Randy Kaufman — a GOP candidate running for a local college district governing board — pulled into a parking lot in Surprise, Arizona, to attend to some personal business. He came to the attention of a cop who happened to be driving by. And it was indeed a hell of a surprise. I will let the police report provide the details
"On 10-4-22 at approximately 1640 hrs, Randy Gene Kaufman was observed by Maricopa County Colleges PD officer Gilbreath #000389 in the east parking lot of Rio Saldo College, Surprise (12535 West Smoky Dr. Surprise AZ) sitting in a maroon Ford truck knowingly engaging in sexual conduct by fondling/manipulating his fully erect nude penis in a reckless manner where a reasonable person viewing his activity would be offended or alarmed by the act. Kaufman was contacted, arrested, and cited for public sexual indecency."
It seems Kaufman was so desperate to get a load off that he did not notice he was less than 200 feet from, and in full view of, the Wirtzels Preschool and Daycare Center — where several small children were playing outside. He also did not notice that bicyclists and pedestrians were passing by.
Why are these perverts almost always Republicans? Does conservatism make you a sexual creep? Or does being a deviant make you conservative? Predictably this wanker is a hypocrite blind to who the real sinners are.
In a Facebook post from May (now deleted), Kaufman said he wanted “our children protected [from] the progressive left.” Is waving his dick around what Kaufman considers protecting our children? How many of these perverts are there pontificating about the evil left? Thank God it is drag queens and not Republicans reading to our children in libraries. God only knows what the GOPers might whip out.
Kaufman may have been able to bring the matter to a satisfactory conclusion without involving the law if he had not attracted Officer Gilbreath’s attention by parking his Ford 150 truck across three spaces in the lot. I suppose there is truth to the observation that God gave man two heads — a little one and a big one — with enough blood for only one at a time to do his thinking for him.
The sloppy parking job caused Gilbreath to approach the car. And the following dialogue occurred.
Gilbreath — “You realize I saw you with your penis out and you were masturbating, don’t you?
Kaufman — “Yes.”
Gilbreath — “Why would you do that here? I saw a guy on a bike pass by you. If I could see you, don’t you think other people could? Cars were passing by you in the lot.”
Kaufman — “I realize that now. I’m just really stressed out. I have a lot of things going on.”
I have several thoughts. If Kaufman has a lot going on, he should not waste time squeezing the toothpaste. Also, if he thinks he was stressed before, this has to have turned the knob to 11. And most importantly, never, ever confess to a crime. You would have thought that, as a right-winger, Kaufman would have reflexively denied, denied, denied. Oh well.
The conversation continued,
Gilbreath — “I saw you had your phone at while you were doing what you were. What was going on with the phone?
Kaufman — “I was watching porn.”
Gilbreath — “What kind of porn were you watching?”
Kaufman — “Interracial porn.”
Kaufman keeps digging. I also wonder if he thinks watching interracial porn ‘proves’ he is not a racist?
The cop is still curious.
Gilbreath — “When you look around here what do you see?”
Kaufman — “The child center but I didn’t notice it until you came up and I got out of my truck. Are you going to put that in a report?”
Gilbreath — “Don’t you see how alarming that is that there are children nearby, people passing on bikes and cars where they can look and see what you were doing?
Kaufman — “I fucked up”
Gilbreath — “Do you know that what you were doing is an offense?
Kaufman — “Yes, I do.”
Dear God, this must be the easiest arrest Gilbreath has ever made. Kaufman is on the money when he says he fucked up. The only thing that would have made it more accurate is if he had added “royally”.
Kaufman then tried a little name-dropping with a request for his comments to be “off the record”.
Kaufman — “I really fucked up; this is bad. You have no idea. Can I say something off the record?
Gilbreath — “OK. You can. Go ahead and tell me.”
Kaufman — “I know officer Jim Hill; he works with you guys ... and … I’m running for the governing board for the colleges. I didn’t even know this was one of your sites but now I see the signs all over in the parking lot.”
Gilbreath then wrote — “I concluded my interview with Kaufman and he thanked me “for being polite” and told me “I know you’re just doing your job.”
It is hard to understand what Kaufman was thinking. First, there are no “off the record” conversations with cops. Second, why would you give out personal details beyond whatever is on your driver’s license? Third, Kaufman gave Gilbreath a lot of help in doing his job.
Once again, we have a ‘thick as a brick’ conservative with sexual self-control issues, pointing a finger (with God only knows what on it) at Democrats for committing the sort of crime he commits. How long before he claims the arrest was “politically motivated”?