For once I agree with Kevin McCarthy and the MAGA movement which wants to end support for Ukraine. And their desire is sound on many bases: balancing the budget, the right for people in states to make decisions that may inconvenience some, but suit the majority, though not the right to control their bodies. This will be known as the Grand MAGA Compromise. And below are a few of the details I sketched out on the back of a dinner napkin at a Trump supporter’s home last night.
It’s all about Idaho and Montana. People there are fed up, I tell you!.., with the unnecessary (and illegal) payment of federal taxes, public schools teaching CRT, and tolerance of ‘gender identities’, handicapped people, religious views they don’t agree with, and all kinds of perversions which people who vote for democrats possess. (Like allowing “The Blacks” to vote, chain-immigration, and anything to do with solar panels or prohibition of burning clean coal.)
It’s straightforward, simple, and ‘everyone’ wins! My proposal is that we give Idahotana to Russia’s Putin in exchange for him agreeing to end hostilities in Ukraine. Here’s why he’ll take it: he’s losing, he is running out of customers for his dirty fossil fuel, and he’s now 70, which for a Russian is still young, but the Politburo has been rumbling near overpasses and along river boardwalks in Moscow.
Oh, the details, you ask? Well, there are really no devilling details here, just our former fellow citizens get to have a Trumplike strong person govern, and Putin gets to do it. They’ll be able to drive trucks with almost any flag in the back, and barbecue to the end of times, about 2067 if my back-of-the-thermometer calculations are correct, Every election will be conducted at your home by three armed men holding a hat where you deposit you vote, which is counted immediately because no recounts are necessary. Best of all: ALL election results will come out ‘the right way’ (or you can fucking leave, you little baby).
Works for Vlad too, who will have people like him (white and angry) and no dissent that he can’t suppress with means the Idahotanans already agree with and are happy to carry out at their Capitol! There won’t be any masks, vaccines, and in fact, no need for public education, because everyone is better if a pregnant woman at home teaches her own children what her husband tells her the Good Lord said. Stores will have a full stock of the things real men want: cans of beans to go with free-range-raised pork and beef (without any US interventions as to where they graze or where they drink, or shit)
No environmental regulations: gas will be in rubles which is not only cheap but impossible to even calculate for the Homeschooled. Sports teams will be The Best because no transgender persons will be around to distract, Native Americans will be told to ‘get back to the reservation’ so there will be harmony and gun owners everywhere to protect their personal rights. The cost of used trucks will plummet without fuel standards and safety devices which are the main reason they got expensive to being with. Water will flow freely from wells in everyone’s backyards and highways will be wherever you feel like driving, therefore no maintenance or overhead. The snowmobile will be the chief export for about two years, after which fans and icemakers will take over the lead at the state’s two production facilities where wages will be determined by corporate boards controlled by Vlad.
As for McCarthy and MTG and crew, they’ll govern freely with Putin's fist up their backsides but otherwise, both will want all the same things, so it’s all good. A real upside for those two loyalists is that they’ll no longer have to smooch the ass of a degenerate Fatman if they just stay clear of firing squads and staircases in tall buildings. Ted, Ron, Rand, Rubio, and Greg will have all the assistance they need in building walls which the rest of us ‘foreigners’ will eagerly pay for to keep us from accidentally wandering into their Nirvana. And Elon Musk will allow anyone to say everything on Twitter except for things he or Putin dislikes.
And HOW ABOUT THOSE BENEFITS for the ‘rest of us’? Well, since the former states of Montana and Idaho were always sucking up more financial resources than we were willing to pay for, we’ll have that extra money to live in bunkers built underground because it’s too fucking hot to go ‘outside’ no matter the time of year, or ‘weather’. That’s it!
Anyone wishing to leave feedback please write your tweet to “PeasOnEarth@twitter” and you may win a free Iranian drone.
UPDATE: The following POLL is totally rigged in favor of the KEEPSAKE RAT, but your vote for anything else will still not count.
UPDATE PS: have a nice remainder of the weekend.