As the countries of the world huddle together at COP27 trying to reach a mutually-satisfactory agreement on whether or not to save the planet, I thought this piece I just published in Weekly Humorist was apropos and would be appreciated here. I’m a semi-regular DailyKos diarist, so I hope you don’t mind me sharing my work! May it bring a (rueful) smile to your weekend…
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Thank you all for joining me in our family’s idling minivan for what I hope will be a fruitful and mutually-respectful discussion of the many challenges we are currently facing here inside our closed garage.
First, as you all know, I’ve recently lost my job. That’s put a strain on the family budget. Second — your mother — my wife — has admitted to an affair with her meditation guru. She’ll be filling you all in on that situation and proposing a path forward. In addition, we’ve found drugs in Beth’s room, Denise is getting straight C-minuses, and Daniel refuses to pick up his Legos. Finally, the exhaust from our minivan is rapidly filling this closed garage with carbon monoxide, a deadly gas. So there’s a lot on our collective plate.
I’d like to begin with the situation regarding my job. Clearly the sudden loss of income is having a major impact on our ability to…. Yes, Denise?
OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.
Now, getting back to my unfortunate lapse in employment…. OK, well, I don’t know why saying “fired” would alter the situation in any meaningful way, other than to humiliate me in front of the children. Well maybe we’d be in better shape financially if certain people weren’t spending our money on secret hotel rooms for their beatnik lover! Furthermore…Yes, Denise?
Again, sweetie, I promise you that we are getting to that. We all agree that carbon monoxide is real and caused by engine exhaust. That’s settled science. What I’m saying is that the issue of toxic gas buildup in the garage is not what’s topping people’s agendas right this very minute….
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