"The true father of our national literature."
That's how H.L. Mencken described the force of nature that was Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain. If ever there was a person whose bullshit detector went to 11, it was him. Also in his corner: anti-slavery, pro-women's rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a supporter of labor unions. Damn funny, too. His zingers are endless. Here's a few...
“Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”
“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”
”If we would learn what the human race is at bottom, we need only observe it at election times.”
Continued...
“Man was made at the end of a week’s work when God was tired.”
“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”
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“The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.”
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”
“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
“Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.”
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
Twain would’ve been 187 today. Pay your respects here. And then donate a few copies of Huck Finn to your local library…just to piss off the book ban-happy MAGA cult.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 30, 2022
Note: Due to circumstances beyond our control, we won’t be able to publish another C&J until next month. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!
Supplementary Note: Sorry, our note is still drunk from the weekend. Just ignore it.
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By the Numbers:
3 days!!!
Days 'til the special runoff election in Georgia: 6
Days 'til the Sunnyside Lighted Farm Implement Parade in Washington: 3
Most common gas price in America as of Monday: $2.99
Percent of Covid deaths in the last month that occurred in people 65+: 90%
The last time before this time that Hawaii's Mauna Loa volcano erupted: 1984
Height of the Concolor fir from Auburn, Pennsylvania that now graces the Blue Room at the White House: 18 feet, 6 inches
Number of lights on the 77 Ware-on-Christmas trees now displayed throughout the White House: 83,615
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 4 volcanoes and 1 Old Bag advocating election fraud for Christ). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Captain Jack livin' his best life…
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CHEERS to knocking the smirk off a walking Nazi dumpster fire. Finally, a ringleader gets thrown under the wheels of justice and faces 20 years behind the bars of the prison cell he wanted to throw the libs into:
A federal jury in Washington on Tuesday found Oath Keepers founder Stewart Rhodes and Kelly Meggs, another member of the far-right organization, guilty of seditious conspiracy in connection with the Jan. 6attack on the U.S. Capitol. […]
The seditious conspiracy case is the most serious to grow out of the Justice Department's sprawling investigation into the U.S. Capitol attack.
Great. Now do Trump.
JEERS to the Mad Dash of 2022. And here we are, once again on the cusp of losing half of the legislative branch. Democrats have one month to pass laws that will make it to Joe Biden's desk. Less than one month, actually, since they've decided to spend only half that time in session—disappointing, to say the least. So here's the big picture:
Between what has to get done and what the president would like to get done, the Biden White House is looking to squeeze all it can out of the waning days of united Democratic control of Congress. […]
Asylum soon to be run by the lunatics.
The lame-duck wish list is broad and impactful.
There's government spending, defense authorization and perhaps dealing with the debt ceiling while Democrats can on their own; efforts to reform the Electoral Count Act and protect same-sex marriage; billions for COVID-19 relief and for Ukraine; a longshot effort to ban assault weapons that the president wants to pursue, plus a push to solidify legal status for the young immigrants known as "Dreamers"; and now a new congressional effort to avert a rail strike that could hit ahead of the holidays.
The marriage bill appears to be a done deal—and, yeah, it's historic considering that less than 30 years ago the same legislature passed a law banning marriage equality. As for how the rest of the agenda will be dealt with and in what order? I'll let you know as soon as I've finished this bottle of Bacardi 151 and started throwing jarts at my gigantic backyard congressional dartboard. (Unscientific, yes. But as reliable as anything else. Although, admittedly, with far more puncture wounds and flat tires.)
CHEERS to ch' ch' ch' changes. I scream for a new Democratic presidential primary calendar. You scream for a new Democratic presidential primary calendar. We all scream for a new Democratic presidential primary calendar!!! After eons where rural white Iowa and New Hampshire hogged all the early attention, we may finally get the changes we at Daily Kos have been clamoring for:
A flurry of public and private lobbying to reformat the longtime early-state lineup of Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina kicked off again after the midterms, with the Democratic National Committee’s group reviewing the order set to meet later this week. […]
Nah. Not this time.
States like Michigan and Minnesota are trying to push in, while Nevada is making a play for first-in-the-nation status over New Hampshire. … But there is at least one clear preference from many Democratic leaders, both outside and inside these party deliberations: that Iowa be scrapped from its coveted first slot.
“I don’t think there’s any way Iowa stays and there’s no reason for Iowa to stay,” said one Democrat familiar with the process of the DNC’s Rules and Bylaws Committee, the group charged with reordering the calendar. “From an electoral standpoint, we’ve lost Iowa completely.” … Several DNC members said they think Michigan currently holds an edge over Minnesota.
Minor correction: Democrats didn’t lose Iowa. Iowa lost the Democrats. So what more can we say? Good luck and thanks for all the corn dogs.
CHEERS to crossing the finish line (with just a few gobs of seaweed up our nose). Southerners and East Coasters rejoice! After going through the entire alphabetic roster of names, as of 5pm today your 2022 Atlantic hurricane season officially ends. Here's the National Weather Service's 2022 "spaghetti map" charting what turned out to be a fairly average season. You’ll notice that my supreme powers as one of “the gays” kept the calamities away from Maine:
Sadly, Mar-a-Lago survives.
Meanwhile, the NOAA 2023 hurricane season forecast comes out next May. But other than blizzards, ice storms, tornadoes, nor'easters, mudslides, droughts and Republicans roaming the halls of Congress, we're in the clear.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to bulldogs with brains. Happy 148th birthday to Sir Winston Churchill. For all his faults (the racism alone was off the charts), ya gotta admit: he kicked ass against the Crazy Corporal and Il Duce and remains one of history’s most steadfast crisis managers. Pretty clear-headed about war, too. Vladimir Dumbshit should’ve listened...
"Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events."
Pay your respects here. And marvel at how some people can smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, and eat like a hog...and still live to be 91. Neat trick.
JEERS to the perpetual shroud of darkness. Like literal clockwork, here in Maine it gets ominously dark now by 3:45 in the afternoon. Which means that, for the next three months, we're trusting you to let us know if Armageddon breaks out for real. (I’ve got my Hello Kitty luggage full of underwear and emergency rations I ordered from Jim Bakker’s Slop Bucket Emporium waiting by the door.) But please: no practical-joke false alarms. My home is armed with the most destructive device to humans ever invented: a Tesla with autopilot.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 30, 2012
CHEERS to helping kids avoid having kids. The teen birth rate in this country has come down quite a bit, but it's still way higher than most industrialized countries. That's why the American Academy of Pediatrics says it makes sense to allow teens to get prescriptions for Plan B contraception. And for the anti-real-world fundies whose heads just popped off their body reading that, they recommend super glue.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to our annual peek into the phenomenon of "Kossack Time." Yesterday's C&J poll asked, "At what speed does it seem 2022 has gone for you?" It's a question we've asked virtually every year since 2012 (missing only 2019), and the results are interesting. Here's the year-by-year breakout for comparison:
Fast
79%, 82%, 78%, 80%, 56%, 66%, 73%, 29%, 75%, and 65% this year
Normal Speed
11%, 11%, 13%, 15%, 13%, 10%, 10%, 10%, 14%, and 25% this year
Slow
7%, 5%, 6%, 6%, 32%, 25%, 19%, 61%, 11%, and 9% this year
Whoa. The remarkable reversal in perception from 2020 persisted. Not surprising. As I wrote two years ago:
Fearless prediction: the numbers will flip back next year as President Biden puts his foot on the accelerator and progress returns with a speedy vengeance.
What can I say? Nostrabillydamus strikes again. And what of 2023? Probably another faster-than usual year. But if we switch to “House Republicans Getting Anything Done To Benefit The Country Time,” I’d say prepare to be lapped by a snail.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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