Late Night Snark: Well, His Middle Name Is "John" Edition
"According to a new book, the White House engineer—who's kind of like the plumber, I guess—would frequently be called in to unclog the president's toilet because he had a habit of flushing papers down it. What do you think about the fact that Trump had to come out and, in writing, deny he clogged up the toilet in the White House? It's a conversation you have with your three-year-old."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Turns out Trump couldn't drain the swamp because the pipes were clogged with classified documents."
—Trevor Noah
“Somewhere in the DC sewers there is a fatberg containing all the answers.”
—Samantha Bee
Continued...
You are now below the fold, where the Gaspacho Police rule with an iron spoon.
Canada's police are fining the truckers for "excessive honking," and yet Canada geese continue their lawless mayhem.
—Stephen Colbert
"Ukrainian officials are saying that the repeated warnings of invasion are just causing panic, and that 'panic is the sister of failure.' Am I wrong? I thought Ivanka was the sister of failure."
—Colin Jost, SNL
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"Republican Senator John Kennedy told reporters recently that he had concerns about President Biden's criteria for his Supreme Court nominee, and said 'I want a nominee who knows a law book from a J. Crew catalog.’ I'm sorry, do you think that's where Black women famously shop? Cuz if so, I don’t think you know a J. Crew catalog. That catalog is so white it's what they used to swear in Amy Coney Barrett."
—Seth Meyers
"President Biden traveled to Pittsburgh and promised to rebuild a collapsed bridge with funds from his infrastructure bill, while Republicans feel the bridge should just lift itself up by its bootstraps."
—Michael Che, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 11, 2022
Note: If you people don’t settle down, I'm going to take away all of your non-fungible tokens. And if you don’t think I'm serious, just take a look in the closet where I'm keeping all your confiscated avocado toast, Pokemon Go characters, and fidget spinners. —Dad
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til spring: 37
Days 'til the Sourdough Bread Festival in Cherry Valley, California: 8
Surge in pizza sales on Super Bowl Sunday, according to USA Today: 35%
Rank of heart disease, Covid-19, and cancer among causes of death last month: #1, #2, #3
Percent chance that Covid cases have finally dropped below 100K for the first time since January 2: 100%
Spike in traffic to Spotify's cancellation page in mid- to late January, according to the analytics firm SimilarWeb: 196%
Number of satellites launched by SpaceX that were lost due to a solar storm: 40
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy weekend...
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CHEERS to unsolved mysteries…solved. Remember back when The Thing From Mar-A-Lago suddenly became fixated on plumbing during his cult rallies? He was very upset about it…
“People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once.”
It wasn’t entirely clear what he was talking about but it appeared to have to do with bathroom fixtures with low-flow appliances.
Now we know. Here's the reason why Captain Commodus was so upset that his toilet didn’t swirl with the force of a Cat-5 tornado:
While President Trump was in office, staff in the White House residence periodically discovered wads of printed paper clogging a toilet—and believed the president had flushed pieces of paper, Maggie Haberman scoops in her forthcoming book, "Confidence Man." […]
While in office, the former president blithely flouted the Presidential Records Act, which required him to preserve written communications concerning his official duties.
To be fair, he denies he ever flushed documents down the toilet. Also to be fair, he's a total f*cking liar so of course he did it. Lock him up. Lock him up. And again I say: Lock him up.
CHEERS to celebrating good news where you can find it. Yeah, even if it's in Chris Cillizza's man cave. Since 48 Democratic senators couldn’t carrot-and-stick two others to make a tiny carve-out of filibuster rules to pass do-or-we-die voting rights legislation, this is what counts these days as an endorphin-tickling development in the midterm picture:
Maryland Republican Gov. Larry Hogan made it official on Tuesday: He will not run against Democratic Sen. Chris Van Hollen this year. … And with that, Senate Republicans' best chance of expanding the current 2022 map just disappeared. Without the popular Hogan running, Maryland Republicans have little chance of even keeping it close against Van Hollen, who won with 61% of the vote in 2016.
I'd fire my confetti cannon in celebration, but it's currently filled with buckshot and pointed at a convoy of deranged truckers outside my window. (One more honk, assholes, and you can kiss your naked-lady mud flaps goodbye.)
CHEERS to the guy who really was the brightest bulb in the box. Happy 175th Birthday—and many blessings on your tungsten filaments—to fellow Ohio native Thomas Edison. He invented the light bulb, the phonograph, the Snuggie and the ShamWOW! (the last two during his slow descent into madness). Pay your respects here. Today is also Sarah Palin's birthday—she turns 58. Or as she likes to put it: just another orbit of the sun around the earth.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to caffeine in the clear. On January 11, 1992, a study said that drinking three cups of coffee a day does not raise the risk of heart disease. But it does raise your risk of peeing like a racehorse every five minutes.
CHEERS to home vegetation. In addition to the Concussion Bowl (more on that below), here's some stuff on TV this weekend, starting with the MSNBC lineup for news junkies, the Jeopardy! National College Championship at 8 on ABC for trivia buffs, and an hour of Whose Line at 9 on the CW for improv fans.
Sunday at 2.
The new movies and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. The fierce winter games competition everyone's talking about airs this weekend—I'm speaking of course of The Great Chocolate Showdown tomorrow at 8 on the CW. Oh, and anything that's not Super Bowl related on NBC will be coverage of the Olympics. (Whatever those are.)
Joe Biden will appear for the traditional pre-Super Bowl presidential interview (with Lester Holt in full “Gotcha” mode), but I'm not sure exactly when because NBC's pre-game coverage begins at freaking 12 noon—that's worse than the Oscars. How dare they stomp on Puppy Bowl XVIII (2pm, Discovery & Animal Planet). The kickoff is finally at 6:30, followed by (I looked it up) 11-15 minutes of actual football action interrupted only by 90 ads that try too hard and a halftime show starring Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, and Kendrick Lamar, who will flip a five-sided coin to determine who gets to have the wardrobe malfunction.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: reports on the effect of climate change on the wine industry ("Save the fruity cab! Somebody save the fruity cab!") and the decline of England's pubs. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
I bet she’ll have a few words to say about Toiletgate.
This Week: Speaker Nancy Pelosi; Sen. Lindsey Graham (Cult-SC).
Face the Nation: White House national security adviser Jake Sullivan; Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco President Mary Daly; Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ); Rep. Adam Kinzinger (The Rebellion-IL); "The NFL Today" host James Brown.
CNN's State of the Union: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Gov. Larry Hogan (The Rebellion-MD).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Gov. Jared Polis (D-CO); Sen. Bill Cassidy (Cult-LA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 11, 2012
CHEERS to embracing your stereotype. Hey, why the hell not? The Speaker of the House is nearly as powerless as he is shameless, so what does he have to lose? It's a match made in bed #2:
The Indoor Tanning Industry’s political action committee has contributed $5,000 House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-OH) campaign account and another $5,000 to the National Republican Congressional Campaign’s Boehner for Speaker Committee.
From what we hear it was love at first UV ray.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Roman numeral abuse, Version XVIIIIIIIVIIXIIIIIIIVIIIII. Not many people know this, but I've predicted every single Super Bowl winner since I was knee-high to Howard Cosell. Last year, for example, I picked the Providence Steam Rollers over the other team by 13 touchdowns, and although I haven't checked the box scores yet, my gut tells me I was 100% correct.
Over the decades people have asked, re-asked, begged, pleaded and prayed that I would reveal the secret to my success. And seeing as my heart grew three sizes today (memo to self: schedule appointment with cardiologist), I'm prepared to give you my annual peak behind the ol’ faux-pigskin prognostication curtain. Here's how I do it. Step 1: Plug it in. Step 2: Let ‘er rip…
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As you can plainly see, my 2022 prediction is ridiculously easy: the Providence Steam Rollers by 13 touchdowns. Oh, and in order to make life easier for the nation's water-management teams, everybody please remember to flush at exactly 7:29:59. Thanks for your cooperation and bwoo-ha-ha.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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