Someone needs to crack open Mike Lindell’s head and replace the piñata candy already. It’s obviously gone bad.
The latest from Fascista Ned Flanders may have you scratching your head until you scrape brain: The Mewling Mustache of Minnesota wants to help those scofflaw Canadian truckers who are deliberately screwing with the economy of multiple nations in order to fight for their right to die with no dignity—and for no discernible reason. And how can Lindell help? Well, he can give them pillows, of course! Because he already has them, and ever since he tried to literally end America, roughly two-thirds of the country would rather snort a gonorrheal lungfish through a coke straw than sleep on one of his filthy foam sacks.
The Daily Beast:
After his initial Tuesday shipment of MyPillow products was denied entry into Canada, Mike Lindell now has a backup plan to get free pillows to Canadian truckers: drop them from the sky via a helicopter. The pillow maven told The Daily Beast late Wednesday night that he intends to drop his pillows into Canada from a helicopter “with little parachutes” attached. “We need to get the MyPillows to the people!” he continued. The 2020 election dead-ender further made it a point to ensure The Daily Beast noted in this report that the pillows will have “little parachutes,” adding, “make sure you put that part in, or it could be dangerous.” Asked where exactly he intended to drop the pillows, he said, “I can not give the location out, and it is no joke! I just confirmed with them [the helicopter company], and yes, this is the plan. We have the helicopter confirmed, but we are moving the time up to 11 am.”
Hey, what could possibly go wrong?!
So I know Lindell isn’t exactly smart, or lucid, or even completely aware of his surroundings, but I anticipate a few glitches.
Assuming this “pillow drop” isn’t a joke (and I’ve watched enough of Pillow Man’s barmy hijinks to assume he’s serious), I’m not sure why he thinks he can bypass customs just by flying his pillows over the border in a helicopter. Though I do appreciate the unintentional and belated acknowledgement that Donald Trump’s southern border wall would have been completely useless—you can apparently just stuff pillowcases with heroin and drop them down your customers’ chimneys.
That said, Lindell may want to try this out with drones first, just in case Canada feels threatened enough to start shooting these gyroplanes down.
But with the supply chain the way it is, where exactly is Lindell going to source those “little parachutes”? Will he need to buy thousands of GI Joe Ultimate Army Paratrooper action figures from Sears and shove an equal number of shitty pillows into their tiny plastic arms?
Now, in case this really is a joke—it’s so hard to tell what’s real on the right these days, ever since Trump retweeted that demon sperm doctor—let me just say, “You fooled us, Mike Lindell!” But the joke’s really on him, because nothing, no matter how absurd, is too weird to believe coming from that dude. I want to go back to a time when I thought the weirdest thing I’d ever see in my life was Crispin Glover on Late Night with David Letterman. Sadly, Lindell eclipsed that with his first Frank-a-Thon, which the rest of my life will be dedicated to forgetting.
Do your worst, Mike. If getting crappy Minnesota-made pillows doesn’t prompt these menaces to give up their quixotic nonsense, I’m really not sure what will.
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