The climate prediction world was upended today when it was announced that Milltown Mel, a longtime prognosticator of early springs, was found dead in his burrow. Mel spent his most productive years at Milltown, New Jersey, where he gained celebrity status by emerging from his home once a year and looking for his shadow.
Strangely enough, Mel was not the first groundhog to be found dead at home just before his big day. According to NPR, Stonewall Jackson (no relation) met his demise on Ground Hog Day Eve of 2016.
Authorities are attempting to rule out fowl play, but conspiracists quickly took to Chatter to compare notes, vowing to “shine a light into this den of lies.” More than one commenter promised to get to the bottom of it all, no matter how much dirt must be uncovered. Another said, “They’re trying to blame this on Corvid, but we all know that birds are not real!”
Looking to the bright side, local weather people floated the idea that it was a bit fortunate that Mel took his exit at this point in history. “This allows us to select Mel’s successor while we are in the majority”, one said. They are hoping to avoid the situation that occurred a few years back when the notorious RBG (Ruth Bader Groundhog) left a hole that was eventually filled by a rabid successor. “We must act quickly, or we could end up with some Yellow-bellied Marmot taking over this important post.”, said one local. “Even worse”, said another, “there are those who wood chuck this entire process out, if they get their way.”
Whether it was natural selection or part of a long, shadowy history of coverups, the hunt for an early spring continues.