Your Monday Morning 30 Seconds of Stand-Up:
Heyyyyy! A blob of worthless scum, a certified lunatic, and a sexually-inadequate poster child for syphilis walk into a bar. Says the bartender: "Hi, Mr. Putin!"
I'll never forget the first time I heard about Vladimir Putin. But I'll keep trying! Hey-ohhhh!!! To be fair, I did think about him this morning, and I'd like to thank him for that…it reminded me that it's trash day!
Have you seen Putin's face? It makes onions cry. But seriously, don’t be ashamed of who you are, Vlad—that's your peoples' job. To be honest, though, you really do bring joy to people's faces…when you leave the room! In conclusion, your birth certificate is just an apology letter from a condom factory, and everyone thinks you were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Thank you and good morning!
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 28, 2022
Note: Remember when the biggest crisis in our public school system was fidget spinners? Good times.
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By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til spring: 20
Days 'til the Maple Sugar Festival in Kalamazoo, Michigan: 5
Percent of Americans polled by ABC News/Washington Post who support sanctions on Russia for invading Ukraine: 67%
Percent who support sanctions if they end up raising gas prices: 51%
Amount Russian oligarchs lost last Thursday alone from their stock market plunge: $39 billion
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, in the same poll who believe a Black female Supreme Court justice would be a good thing for the United States: 78%, 16%
Length of time a sloth can hold its breath: 40 minutes
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Puppy Pic of the Day: How it's done…
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CHEERS to promises kept. Candidate Biden promised to nominate a Black woman to the Supreme Court, and on Friday that's exactly what President Biden did. So what do we know about Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson? I'm glad you asked:
» Born in Washington, DC and grew up in Miami, Florida
» Graduated magna cum laude from Harvard University, then attended Harvard Law School, where she graduated cum laude and was an editor of the Harvard Law Review.
Last Friday: Biden makes it official.
» During her time at Harvard, Jackson led protests against a student who displayed a Confederate flag from his dorm window.
» Clerked under outgoing Justice Stephen Breyer
» Assistant federal public defender in Washington, D.C. (2005-2007) handling cases before the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit.
» Helped lower penalties for drug offenses as vice chair of the United States Sentencing Commission (2010-2014)
» District judge on the United States District Court for D.C. (2013-2021) and D.C. Court of Appeals (2021)
» Married to surgeon Patrick G. Jackson. Two daughters: Leila and Talia.
And this is interesting: Judge Jackson is a descendant of Continental Congress delegate Jonathan Jackson of Massachusetts, and is related to former SCOTUS justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. Oh, and she's also related by marriage to Paul Ryan. Ugh—thoughts and prayers, ma'am.
JEERS to today's Ukraine update. The Russkis are still invading Ukraine. The Ukrainians are putting up a much more spirited fight than expected. The international community—minus North Korea, Iran, China, and the American Republican party—is still outraged and trying to penalize and sabotage the uncivilized, smelly Russki horde any way it can short of joining the actual fighting. That's today's Ukraine update. Join us tomorrow and every day for the next undetermined period of time when our Ukraine update will look pretty much exactly the same.
CHEERS to green-lighting the gals. 100 years ago this week, in 1922, the all-male U.S. Supreme Court unanimously upheld the 19th Amendment that gave women the vote. Shortly after, their wives released them from their chokeholds.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to freedom for the free and the dumb. Good news from the CDC. Sounds like the Omicron variant is vamoosing and we may be back to where we were a year ago—seeing light at the end of the pandemic tunnel:
Under the new metrics, more than half of U.S. counties, which make up about three-fourths of where Americans live, are now considered to be at "low" or "medium" risk because of a reduced number of new COVID-19 hospitalizations and adequate hospital space. Accordingly, the CDC would no longer recommend that these communities insist on indoor masking. […]
This place gets five stars in the Michelin Guide. The food is simply to die for.
The CDC guidance is an acknowledgement that hospitalization rates in recent weeks have fallen dramatically and that highly vaccinated communities would be able to withstand an uptick in cases without overwhelming their local hospital systems.
As we enter our 27th month with "The 'Rona," here's the latest on the toll it's taken, especially among the brainwashed Republican cult, which seems to have happily and deliberately wiped out legions of voters from their own ranks. The death toll has now surpassed the population of our 11th-largest city Austin, Texas:
Cases
80.5 million
Deaths
973,000
Jesus, it would seem, makes for a poor vaccine. Who knew?
JEERS to sticky fingers. On February 28, 2007, two Picassos worth some $66 million, were swiped from the Paris home of the artist's granddaughter. Three thieves were caught the following August. When asked why they stole the paintings, they said they’d gotten tired of looking at dogs playing poker all day.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 28, 2012
CHEERS to unexpected Snowe storms. BOMBSHELL! The opportunity Democrats have been salivating over for YEARS is finally here: Senator Olympia Snowe announced yesterday that she's calling it quits. Naturally, this is going to unleash a torrent of mass hysteria as Republicans fight the vapors over losing the "sure-bet" status of that Senate seat, and Democrats drool like mad dogs over the prospect of flipping it. But first things first. For as long as I can remember—and as recently as 8 days ago—C&J has offered the same birthday wish to Senator Snowe: "Retirement." I'm happy to say the wish is fulfilled and now I can move on to the next challenge: Susan Collins…when might ye be celebratin' yer birthday, then, ma'am? [2/28/22 Update: Snowe was replaced with sensible left-leaning independent and C&J reader Angus King, who caucuses with the Democrats. As for Collins, the less said the better. Especially when what’s being said is coming from her mouth.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to seeing to a bit of unfinished business. I’ll be damned if I’m going to shirk my sworn duty to say “Happy Birthday, and many blessings on your camels” to all the “Leaplings” born on February 29th, which would be tomorrow if March didn’t muscle its way into the spotlight.
Sorry, no leap year Google doodle this year.
You’d think that if God was all great and powerful over everything, She would have made leap years unnecessary. But nooooooooooo. She done gave our planet the wibbledy-wobblies, and now there’s an unfortunate group of people on this earth who only get a birthday every four years (2024 brings with it the next February 29th). The list includes Pope Paul III, Jimmy Dorsey, Dinah Shore, grifter Anthony Robbins, Ja Rule, and renowned composer Gioachino Rossini (the Lone Ranger theme guy). But never fear, Leapers, as long as C&J is here we’ll always stuff our faces with cake and ice cream in your honor.
Oh, and sometimes historic things happen on the 29th, too. For example, on this date in 1964, Australian swimmer Dawn Fraser set a new world record in the 100-meter freestyle swimming competition. Her time: 58.9 seconds. The piranhas chasing her: 59.0.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Anyone reading Cheers and Jeers is likely doing so, again, for the same reason I did: to see if it improved between Friday and Monday. It did not. Cheers and Jeers was bad, and it is still bad. Maybe even worse.
—Dustin Rowles
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