“And a double scoop, no less...”
The United States of America: 1776 — 2022
R.I.P.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 3, 2022
Note: And now, ladies and gentlemen, witness the awesome destructive power of this fully charged and operational Episcopalian Space Laser!!! But first, let us sing all 22 verses of Hymn 346 and then snarf down some pancakes for Jesus. Wait, did I say 22 verses? I meant all 138. Sorry. —Pastor Billeh
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til St. Valentine's Day: 11
Days 'til the Super Chili Bowl Cook-Off in Orange Beach, Alabama: 9
Percent of Georgians polled by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution/U. of GA who say that they'd be more and less likely, respectively, to vote for a candidate endorsed by the previous Republican president: 21%, 49%
Percent of Georgians in the same poll who want the Supreme Court to leave Roe v. Wade alone: 68%
Percent chance that former U.S. Attorney and Alabama Senator Doug Jones has been recruited to be Biden's "Supreme Court Sherpa" to guide his nominee through the confirmation process: 100%
Percent of Kentuckians polled by Mason-Dixon who approve of the job Democratic Governor Andy Beshear is doing: 60%
The last time Maine hosted the summer meeting of the National Governor's Association, which we'll be hosting this year in Portland: 1983
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Sheesh. Tom DeLay gets indicted, and all the Republicans can think of is a $20 gift ban. Forget the people talking about "lobby reform." The lobby does not need to be reformed, the Congress needs to be reformed. This is about congressional corruption, and it is not limited to the surface stuff like taking free meals, hotels and trips. This is about corruption that bites deep into the process of making laws in the public interest. The root of the rot is money (surprise!), and the only way to get control of the money is through public campaign financing.
As long as the special interests pay to elect the pols, we will have government of the special interests, by the special interests and for the special interests. Pols will always dance with them what brung them. We have to fix the system so that when they are elected, they got no one to dance with but us, the people—we don't want them owing anyone but the public.
So the most useful reform bill is being offered by Rep. David Obey, D-Wis., and Rep. Barney Frank, D- Mass.—public campaign financing. We, the citizens, put up the money to elect the pols. This bill won't cost us money, the savings will be staggering.
—February 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Today on Tornado Chasers…
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JEERS to closing the Reichstag door after the Nazis have left. In the wake of Whoopi Goldberg's two-week suspension from The View (a show I've never watched except via brief clips on Twitter that conclusively prove Meghan McCain is an entitled nepotistic idiot), an NBC "cultural critic"—[pauses to roll eyes]—banged out a column on his Smith Corona claiming that her "Holocaust comments could inadvertently help fascists." Yes. I'm sure Whoopi's comments, which she quickly clarified, might help those poor fascists struggling to gain a foothold in America. Gosh, all they have going for them these days is…
» Widespread fascist voter suppression laws
» Slaps on the wrist for fascists who stormed the Capitol last year
» Fascists dominating the Republican party (and just enough fascism-loving Democrats to thwart anti-fascist legislation)
» An ex-president promising to pardon convicted fascists
» A fascist media empire promoting fascism 24/7
» External fascist governments committing fascist cyberwarfare on us
» And price-gouging corporations, who benefit from fascism, sitting idly by watching it all happen with a grin matched in size only by the length of their stogies.
So it might be easier to ask: what isn't helping the fascists right now? But you want to know what I really want to know, Mr. Cultural Critic? “Three’s Company—How the Hell Was That A Thing?” Get busy.
CHEERS to today's edition of Republicans Say the Darndest Things Sometimes When They're Not Drunk On Cult Juice. Courtesy this morning of Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchison, clearly running afoul of his party's #1 commandment: Thou shalt not speak highly of a Democrat...
This has been today's edition of Republicans Say the Darndest Things Sometimes When They're Not Drunk On Cult Juice.
CHEERS to compassionate liberalism. Twenty-nine years ago this week, Congress approved the Family and Medical Leave Act, giving employees unpaid leave in the event of a birth or a medical emergency in their family. President Clinton signed it into law after doing something the D.C. establishment considers radical: he read it.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to #1. 233 years ago this week, in 1789, George Washington—who was always “the tallest man in the room”—clinched the presidency with 69 electoral votes. Upon hearing the news, he said his feelings were "not unlike those of a culprit who is going to the place of his execution." His first official act: providing all Americans equal access to quality mattresses at low, low discount prices, a fine February tradition that lives on to this day.
JEERS to meddling meddlers and the meddlesome meddling they do. The House January 6 Select Committee continues its important work saving our democracy, and one of the members is throwing a new charge at the chief insurrectionist—now spending his time staring through guest-room peep holes down in Florida—who planned the attack and then cowered in a room full of cheeseburgers when it all went sour. This could be devastating:
Nice try, Ronna. Witness tampering. It's witness tampering. Or, as The Thing from Mar-A-Lago will no doubt call it in an official statement shortly: Sarcasm!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 3, 2012
CHEERS to locking up the "unhinged fake billionaire" vote. Normally I don’t post entire transcripts here, but yesterday's event in Las Vegas was so historically and culturally significant that I think it's worth preserving in the amber of destiny:
DONALD TRUMP: Good morning. Romney's my guy. Watch The Apprentice on NBC. Mitt, come up here and say a few words…
MITT ROMNEY: Why thank you, Donald. Golly. Gee whiz. Goodness gracious. I just want to say… Oh, look at the time. Gotta run. Bye!
I bet that'll be carved into his monument on the National Mall. Or, more likely, a tree in his back yard. (But which back yard? He has so many from which to choose.) Meanwhile the Nevada caucus is tomorrow. 28 delegates at stake. It could be enough to win nab nomination if the winner turns around and bets 'em all on green at The Sands.
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And just one more…
CHEERS and JEERS to one of the two things in life that are certain. On February 3, 1913, the 16th Amendment, establishing the income tax, was ratified and became part of the U.S. Constitution. Here is our annual posting of the full text—in italics so it looks old and wrinkled and historic:
The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.
Congress shall also have the power to conspire with giant corporations to use tax dollars to build a war machine that can destroy every planet in the solar system many times over. We want guns. BIG guns! Tanks, planes, nukes, drones, bunker busters, aircraft carriers. Anything that proves to the rest of the world that we've got the biggest penis on the planet must be arsenalized. We are woefully short on laser cannons—let's fix that with a glorious Space Force sometime in, say, the 21st century.
At various times, taxpayer-funded corporate bailouts may be necessary. These bailouts will be prioritized in the following order: white collar idiots, white collar dolts, white collar crooks, white collar morons, white collar charlatans, and white collar bloodsuckers.
Congress shall impose the strictest penalties on citizen scofflaws who fail to pay their income taxes on time and in full without exception. And by 'without exception' we mean except if you're rich and can afford savvy CPAs and lawyers who can get you out of paying them by, say, stashing them offshore...or except if you're rich and you "forget" to pay them, in which case: tut tut.
It's worked perfectly ever since. Go us!
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"The cheers aren’t that cheery and the jeers are not that jeery. But Cheers and Jeers is saved by a very winning Bill in Portland Maine."
—Stephen Silver, Tilt
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