Late Night Snark: Same Planet, New Month Edition
"I want to wish everyone a happy Black History Month. For Americans it's a time to celebrate the Black experience and Black contributions to our society. Unfortunately fourteen states have a weird way of celebrating it, with new rules that limit how teachers can teach about Black History Month. Or as teachers will now be forced to call it: Month."
—Stephen Colbert
"After losing the election in 2020, former President Trump reportedly asked if Homeland Security could seize voting machines in swing states. And if you're wondering whether or not that's evil, let me point you to the word seize. It's always evil when seize is involved. For example, you'll hear a villain say, 'Seize them, you fools!' But you'll never hear anyone say, 'Hey, good news, the mayor has seized more funding for the arts.'"
—Seth Meyers
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Next stop: Albuquerque.
"Today was the start of the lunar new year. 2022 is the year of the tiger. Last year was the year of the ox. And, of course 2016 through 2020 were the year of the pig."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"This morning Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. When asked why, Phil said because it's February."
—Jimmy Fallon
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"I love Canada. It was the birthplace of the paint roller, the pacemaker, and Eugene Levy's sweet, sculpted ass. But our country needs to get its shit together. To bring out swastikas and confederate flags isn’t just predictably shitty, it's f*cking stupid. Canada hated the Nazis so much that we declared war on Germany two years before America did in World War II. So to all the racist, anti-vax Canadians blocking the border: Canuck you and the truck you rode in on. "
—Samantha Bee
"Farewell to CNN's Jeff Zucker, who understood how to cover what's most important: Trump's empty podium."
—Trevor Noah
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 4, 2022
Note: Wake us up like that again, humans—as you did Wednesday by grabbing us with work gloves and hoisting us over your heads in front of a rabid mob—and we'll gnaw certain body parts off and see you in court. Thank you for your attention in this matter.
—American Groundhog Legal Defense Fund
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til the next full moon: 12
Days 'til the PBS Wisconsin Garden & Landscape Expo in Madison: 7
Percent of self-identified independents polled by PPP who say they want the Senate to quickly confirm a qualified nominee to the Supreme Court, versus 15 percent who prefer obstruction: 71%
Mitch McConnell's approval rating in the same PPP poll (not that it matters much): 16%
Percent of Americans polled by Gallup who say they’re satisfied with society's acceptance of gay and lesbian people, up from 55% last year: 62%
Drop in Covid-19 hospitalizations in Maine from their January peak: -21%
Amount by which the Eiffel Tower shrinks in the winter, according to some web site: 15 centimeters
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to men in tights. That's about all I'm interested in during the winter Olympic Games, especially this year. Jyna—led by Evil Winnie the Pooh—is hosting them this year, because nothing embodies peak health and the Olympic Kum By Yah spirit more than choking smog, off-the-charts surveillance, unquestioned dictatorship, child labor, death camps, military aggression, and censorship on an epic scale. And as a special bonus, the constant headlines about lockdowns and outbreaks will be a two-week reminder that China is also the original host of the Covid-19 pandemic.
The names of the official mascots for the 2022 Beijing Games are Surveillance Camera #1 and Surveillance Camera #2. Adorbs.
But the competitors will be perfect physical specimens. Their feats of strength, skill, and accuracy will be duly impressive. And, as they always do, the games will briefly take our minds off of the horrible news of the latest ways in which bad people are wrecking our planet. And although I want Team USA to win the medal count, my heart is nostalgically rooting for the Jamaican bobsledders. Remember Rule #1 guys: brakes are for sissies.
CHEERS to presidential rites of passage. #43 got Saddam. #44 got Osama. #45 got Baghdadi. And now it's Joe Biden's turn to put a dauber mark on the "bag a big baddie" square on his POTUS Bingo card:
U.S. special forces carried out an overnight raid in northwestern Syria that killed Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi, the leader of the Islamic State terrorist group, President Joe Biden said Thursday.
Obama? Hillary? Gates? Who let you in the side door???
"Last night at my direction, U.S. military forces successfully undertook a counterterrorism operation," Biden said in a statement.
"Thanks to the bravery of our Armed Forces, we have removed from the battlefield Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi—the leader of ISIS."
"All Americans have returned safely from the operation," he said.
Ha. That'll teach that cult leader that using propaganda, terrorism, and violence to destabilize a country's government is a crime against humanity that will be dealt with quickly and harshly. And in other news, tonight Donald Trump enjoyed yummy chocolate cake among his adoring cult followers after a relaxing round of golf at his sprawling Florida sex palace.
CHEERS to historic moments in getting busted for doing something naughty with your hand. A dozen hilarious years ago this week, while bamboozling a rapt Tea Party audience in Nashville at the height of the movement's Black President Panic of 2010, former everything Sarah Palin—currently trying to pray away the Ovidcay—got caught for the most juvenile of transgressions: writing cheat notes on her hand:
[Eyeroll]
Energy. Budget Tax cuts. Lift American spirits. So complex were those concepts that she had to write them down. On her hand. Seven words. And even then she made a mistake and had to cross one out. Y'know, we don’t say this to our right-wing friends nearly enough: even though you’re lunatics with incurious, reality-averse mush for brains who represent the worst of human instincts, thank you anyway...for your healing gift of laughter.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the gift that just kept on giving. Happy birthday to former Vice President Dan Quayle, who turns 75 today, and of whom Molly Ivins once said, "If you put that man's brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backwards." He certainly wasn't an evil vice president like Dick Cheney or Mike Pence, the latter of whom called him for advice on how to overthrow the government. (To his credit, Quayle said no way, no how.) But I still want to see him tried in the International Criminal Court for torturing the English language:
“If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.”
Yes, the lamestream media was alive and well decades ago.
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'”
“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
You’re still no Jack Kennedy, Dan. But you're also not your un-self-aware son who said in this campaign ad that Barack Obama was “the worst president in history” and then got booted after one sorry-ass term in Congress. So for today only—in honor of the occasion and for all the laughter ya brung us—we'll let potato have an e.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If it's Friday, the boob tube must be singing its siren song. Love the Olympics or hate 'em, the opening ceremonies—tonight on NBC—will be a highlight. (Spoiler alert: flags, fireworks.) If domestic culture is more your thing, Margaret Hoover talks with Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution Lonnie Bunch at 8:30 on PBS’s Firing Line. If you can still stomach Bill Maher, his panel includes Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA), author Johann Hari, and Reason editor-in-chief Katherine Mangu-Ward.
Hollywood’s contribution to culture this weekend. Yay.
The new movies and streaming goodies, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. Pebble Beach, aka Jack Nicklaus's favorite golf course in the world, hosts its annual Pro-Am airing on CBS tomorrow and Sunday afternoon. On 60 Minutes: the state of our hospitals in year three of Covid-19, and an update on the unmarked graves of indigenous children at Canadian residential schools. Other than that, it's all repeats as the networks stay out of the way of the behemoth Olympics coverage. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Rep. Michael McCaul (Cult-TX); Martha Raddatz travels to battleground Arizona to examine how election integrity has become a central campaign issue in the midterms.
MSNBC has the best of the Sunday bunch.
Face the Nation: Deputy Secretary of the Treasury Wally Adeyemo; Former National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster; Sen. Marco Rubio (Cult-FL); former FDA poobah Scott Gottlieb.
CNN's State of the Union: Sens. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) and Joe Manchin (JM-Manchin); U.S. Ambassador to the UN Linda Thomas-Greenfield.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Ben Cardin (D-DE) and John Barrasso (Cult-WY).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 4, 2012
CHEERS to unexpectedly reviving our space program. This morning's jobs announcement from the Labor Department:
Launch sequence commence! Five… Four… Three… Ignition sequence locked… Two… One… FffffffffffWOOOOOOOSH!!!!! We have liftoff!
The normal people's reaction: "Wow! Thanks, Obama!" The Republican congressional leadership's reaction: "Meh—the rocket's the wrong color." Mitt Romney's reaction: "You can't fire that thing now…I'm running for president, for Pete's sake!" So it goes.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Every time you go outside on a clear night you’re doing yourself a grave disservice if you don’t look up and nearly choke on your bong hit as you realize that the universe up there is pretty darn spectacular. The elves at NASA are aware of this, so they always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at February’s sky-watching highlights, including Jupiter and Venus antics, and peak viewing for the gassy Orion nebula:
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By the way, I hate to burst his bubble, but I know how Orion the hunter manages to look so svelte up there year after year: Spanx.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are youcheering and jeering about today?
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