Late Night Snark: "Tap Tap, Is This Thing On?" Edition
"Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy delivered a virtual address to Congress. Zelenskyy called on President Biden to be the leader of the world, and said 'being the leader of the world means being the leader of peace.' Whereas being the leader of the world during the Trump years meant being Angela Merkel."
—Seth Meyers
"Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s stirring speech to Congress had to be the first time in history people applauded a Zoom call."
—Trevor Noah
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Beware the Horta.
"Yesterday Russia announced that they're hitting Biden, Blinken, and other top U.S. officials with sanctions. Oh, that's adorable—they're doing their own sanctions. It's like when you give your kid a bubble lawnmower and they're like, 'I'm a world power, too!' And you're like, 'You sure are, buddy, you're doing a great job.'"
—Stephen Colbert
"Putin has always refused to recognize Ukraine's independence, even though 90 percent of Ukrainians voted to break away from the crumbling Soviet Union in 1991. There hasn't been a vote that lopsided since Florida voted to add guns to the food pyramid."
—Samantha Bee
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Well, I’ve officially lived a long life because people are excited Germany is rearming.
—Conan O'Brien on Twitter
"One of the bright spots in this horrible scenario has been watching these super-yachts owned by Russian oligarchs get seized. In Norway, [a super-yacht] is stranded because the locals refused to sell them gas to refuel it. One local oil supplier said, 'Why should we help them when they can row home?' Every once in a while the Norwegians like to remind us that they descended from Vikings."
—Jimmy Kimmel
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 18, 2022
Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday because sometimes I feel the need to keep you people in line by using the withholding of love as a weapon. It was either that or this turnip catapult. Back Tuesday with HUGS!!!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 70
Days 'til the Texas Onion Fest in Weslaco: 8
Percent of Americans polled by Quinnipiac who don't think Ketanji Brown Jackson should be confirmed to the Supreme Court: 24%
Percent of mail-in ballots that were rejected in the 2020 general election in Texas: 1%
Percent that were rejected in the 2022 Texas primaries, after Republicans passed their voter suppression law: 17%
Percent by which oil companies care about lowering gas prices to relieve the suffering of the American people at the pump: 0%
Number of U.S. presidents who were an only child: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Parvo survivors…
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CHEERS to pissing off the right people. Down Texas yonder way, where thems that knows tells us that ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos, tongues reeking of barbeque sauce are a' waggin' after one of the state's largest employers went rogue and dared to throw a tumbleweed into the Republicans’ woman-control machine:
Citigroup, the nation's fourth-largest bank, is angering Texas Republicans over its latest workplace benefit: Offering to cover the travel expenses of employees who live in states with restrictive reproductive health care laws, including the state's recently enacted law banning most abortions after six weeks.
Citi disclosed the new policy in a regulatory filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission on March 15.
The bank stated: "In response to changes in reproductive health care laws in certain states in the U.S., beginning in 2022 we provide travel benefits to facilitate access to adequate resources."
The Texas Republican party, which has built a lucrative fundraising machine out of faux-outrage against "cancel culture," is now urging its members to—[checks notes]—cancel Citigroup. As usual, their brains will simply ooze around the hypocrisy.
P.S. Ugh—I just praised a big bank. Talk amongst yourselves, I need a shower.
JEERS to following more of the bouncing balls. If you liked the original Covid-19…and you loved the delta variant…and you turned cartwheels over the omicron variant…and you gave a ticker-tape parade to the second omicron variant…wait'll you see the new bundle of joy Coronavirus, LLC will be delivering in Easter baskets this spring:
A hybrid variant of the coronavirus that has characteristics of both the delta and omicron strains has been detected in the United States and several European countries, scientists say.
The delta-omicron hybrid, informally dubbed "deltacron," is what's known as a recombinant virus, meaning it has melded-together genetic information from both variants. […] "Delta basically grabbed omicron's spike protein," [associate professor of microbiology] Jeremy Kamil said.
I hope it at least bought it dinner first.
CHEERS to Spring! 'Bout effing time, huh? I don't care if we’re still surrounded by increasingly-grey-tinged snow, at exactly 11:33 ET Sunday morning, I’ll put on my tutu, strap on my fairy wings, go outside, and partake in the annual tradition of romping barefoot through the blueberry fields with the wee village folk. After arriving back home, we’ll partake in our other annual spring tradition: scraping wee village folk off the bottom of our shoes. (Sorry about that, guys. You’re, like, really really wee.)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to "Uncle Jumbo." Happy Birthday to #22 and #24 Grover Cleveland, born March 18, 1837. According to Cormac O'Brien's book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents, as sheriff of Erie County, New York in the 1870s, Cleveland "personally threw the noose around the necks of two convicted criminals," making him the only American president who personally hanged someone. That is, if you don't count presidents Hoover, Nixon, Bush II, and Trump, who did a pretty good job of personally hanging themselves.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If couch-potato’ing is on your agenda this weekend, here are a few things that may pop up on your TV. The latest on Ukraine will get unpacked by Chris Hayes and Ari Velsher (I think) on MSNBC. At 8:30 on PBS, Firing Line features an interview with Margaret Atwood (The Handmaid’s Tale) on her use of fiction “to warn about authoritarianism, climate change, and other calamities.” Bill Maher's guests tonight—for those who still bother to tune in—on HBO's Real Time include Obama's Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz, pollster Kristen Soltis Anderson, and some talking head named Max Brooks.
The new movies and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and you'll find the NCAA women's and men's put-the-ball-through-the-basketball-ring tournament info here and here. Kieran Culkin (Succession) hosts SNL.
Sunday evening 60 Minutes has the latest on Ukraine, a report on the U.S. rental housing market, and a profile of WNBA star Sue Bird as she gears up for another season. On The Simpsons, it’s the nerd dads versus the cool kid influencers, and Quagmire can’t get rid of his hiccups on Family Guy. After that you’re on your own since John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight has the night off.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT); Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY); NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg.
This Week: Who does ABC News call when absolutely no one else is available? Why, Sen. John Barrasso (The Cult-WY) of course.
Face the Nation: Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin; Ukrainian Ambassador to the U.S. Oksana Markarova; Former U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovich; Moscow Mitch (The Cult-KY); former FDA head Scott Gottlieb.
CNN's State of the Union: U.S. Ambassador to the UN Linda Thomas-Greenfield; former General and CIA director and secrets-spiller-to-his-girlfriend David Petraeus; Polish Ambassador Ambassador Marek Magierowski; Masha Gessen of The New Yorker; author David Remnick (The Last Days of the Soviet Union).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Who does Fox News call when absolutely no one else on Planet Earth is available? Why, Sen. Ben Sasse (The Cult-NE) of course.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 18, 2012
CHEERS to Bill in Portland Maine: Senior Political Psychoanalyst. Why is Newt Gingrich staying in the GOP primary race when it's clear the closest he'll ever come to occupying the White House is standing in line to take the public tour? Because he's a grouchy old man on Social Security who has nothing better to do than stand behind lecterns delivering grouchy diatribes about child labor, moon colonies, and tyranny while savoring the smattering of applause and media coverage he still gets as if he was draining the last few drops of water from his canteen while stranded in Death Valley as buzzards circle overhead waiting to peck him open and dine on the gristle-flecked pink Newt slime. You can trust me on this because I have a political psychoanalyst diploma on my wall made of glued-on macaroni shells. (CNN: call me—I could be a great guest hologram. Really!)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the nerds and klutzes among us. Bet you didn’t know this: March 18th is Awkward Moments Day, which is described at one web site as existing "For anyone who’s ever wished the ground would open up and swallow them." Or, in this guy's case, for anyone who's ever wished the ground would open up and swallow him:
If we must have a portrait of TFG in the White House, let it be nothing but a screen shot from that moment. [Sigh] We can dream.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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