“Even Ukraine’s grandmas are fighting for their freedom...”
Nice moment from Colbert:
May Baba’s sunflower seeds find their way into many Russki uniform pockets.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 2, 2022
Note: Not In My Back Yard! Not In My Back Yard! Use my front yard—more room, less dog poop.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til we launch our clocks ahead an hour: 11
Days 'til Coffee Fest in New York City: 4
The last date when the number of Americans in intensive-care units was below 10,000 as it is now: 7/30/21
Independent voters polled by Morning Consult who approved of the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh, Amy Coney Barrett, and Ketanji Brown Jackson, respectively, at the start of their nomination processes: 33%, 28%, 40%
Minimum number of homes Airbnb is opening in Europe to Ukrainian refugees: 100,000
Percent of the Russian oil and gas firm Rosneft that BP owned, totaling over $14 billion, until it bailed this week: 20%
Percent chance that—are you sitting down?—Fruit Loops are all the same flavor: 100%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 5 plagues and 1 earlobe for disoriented Jesus). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Psych!!!
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CHEERS to meeting the moment. That Joe Biden is a baaaad mother…. (Shut your mouth!)…Well, I'm talking about Joe… (And we can dig it!) With World War III on our doorstep, last night's State of the Union address (transcript here) had to be part House Divided, part Date Which Will Live In Infamy, and part Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah. In other words, it had to be one of the rare SOTU's that was actually impactful and memorable. I thought he pulled it off well, with enough flinty-eyed stare to raise the Beelzebub hair on the back of Putin's neck. Here's my annual brain dump for future archaeologists to marvel over:
» Ukraine good. Putin bad. We're comin' for ya, Vlad. “Tonight I say to the Russian oligarchs: no more!” You, your yachts, your villas, and your riding lawnmowers with air conditioning and diamond cup holders. And guess what? We're releasing over 60 million barrels of oil from our strategic Mitt Romney hair care reserve.
» "We're no longer talking about infrastructure week. We're talking about infrastructure decades, bitches."
» Charlie Pierce tweet: “Mitch McConnell looks like a Before ad for Dulcolax.”
» If you test positive for Covid, you can get the anti-viral pill free.
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» Cheaper drugs, housing and child care, maybe? Little bit?
» Voting rights, maybe? No? Oh well, I tried.
» Amazingly, with one exception the MAGA cultists—formerly known as Republicans—in attendance resisted the urge to scream obscenities, fling poo, or drive a semi through the chamber during Joe's speech. I can only figure that they were chewing that special gum that reduces one’s cravings to act like untethered jerks in public: Dickorette.
» "And I make this solemn promise to America tonight: Ted Cruz will never deliver a State of the Union Address. And you can probably strike out Marjorie Taylor-Greene, too. Thank you and God bless America." [15 minute standing ovation]
Overall, a speech worthy of an A-, I thought. Meanwhile, 14 of the Republican rebuttals have been delivered. The remaining 109 should be finished by tomorrow evening's conference call with Putin.
JEERS to today's Ukraine update. The Russkis are still invading Ukraine. The Ukrainians are still putting up a much more spirited fight than expected. The international community—minus North Korea, Belarus, Iran, China, and the American Republican party—is still outraged and trying to penalize and sabotage the uncivilized, smelly Russki horde any way it can short of joining the actual fighting. That's today's Ukraine update. Join us tomorrow and every day for the next undetermined period of time when our Ukraine update will look pretty much exactly the same.
JEERS to jumping on the birther bandwagon. A reminder of how even "respectable" media outlets played the "he's not like the rest of us" card with our 44th president back when he was still slogging away on the campaign trail. This was an actual CNN online poll question that was posted fourteen years ago this week as the 2008 Democratic primary season kicked into high gear:
I think it's time for a new question, now that it’s been five years since he completed his successful and popular two-term presidency: "Does Barack Obama show the proper patriotism for someone who is a former president of the United States?” Get on it, CNN. Because if he's not, I say we should haul him back and plop his hiney someplace we can keep a close eye on him. (I recommend the Supreme Court this summer after Sam Alito chokes on a...oops, almost spoiled it.)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to pointless gestures. Oh happy happy joy joy there were primary elections in Texas yesterday. Wowie zowie. On the Republican side, cultist nutbags allied with Russia won their contests after facing stiff resistance from other cultist nutbag challengers who lost only because they were slightly less culty and nutbaggy. On the Democratic side, a bunch of normal people beat a bunch of other normal people for the privilege of running against the cultist nutbags who will defeat them in November thanks to the GOP-run state's dedication to making sure elections are free and fair to each and every registered Republican in Texas. But in a moment of bipartisanship, everyone agrees that the post-primary victory buffet spreads were "yummy, y'all."
P.S. Think Texas let this guy vote absentee by mail yesterday?
Like we needed to ask.
JEERS to Democrats denied. On March 2, 1877, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes was handed the 1876 win over Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, even though the latter won the popular vote by 250,000 votes. Here's how it went down (via Anything for A Vote by Joseph Cummins):
The struggle over the twenty remaining electoral votes lasted from November 8, 1876 to March 2, 1877. Republican-controlled "returning boards" (groups in each state who tallied electoral votes) simply threw out enough Democratic votes to swing Florida, Louisiana and South Carolina to Hayes. Democrats cried foul, officials of both parties flocked to the south, and President Grant sent federal troops, just in case.
In the end, an Election Commission was established, consisting of five U.S. senators, five congressmen, and five Supreme Court Justices, all of whom split along party lines. With the commission tied at 7-7, the Supreme Court justice who had the deciding vote resigned—and a Republican justice took his place. Hayes was voted into office with 185 electoral votes to Tilden's 184.
And 2000 Ralph Nader was like, "Hey…don't look at me. I'm not even born yet."
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 2, 2012
CHEERS to Marryland. Today's the day Governor Martin O'Malley puts pen to parchment in the Old Line State:
The legislation, making Maryland the eighth U.S. state to legalize gay and lesbian nuptials, heads to Governor Martin O'Malley's desk for his signature at a ceremony at 5 p.m. on Thursday, his office said. The Democratic governor has supported the measure and promised to sign it once it was passed by lawmakers. The state Senate voted in favor of the bill last week after it was passed by the House of Delegates.
Of course, the crowd for whom equality is a four-letter word in Maryland is already swarming to try and put a referendum on the November ballot to overturn the law. Their bumper sticker slogan: "Over My Dead Divorce Papers."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to strange holidays. I gotta "hand" it to whoever came up with this one. Tomorrow is What If Cats And Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day. I'm not supposed to do this, but because you’ve been such a great audience this morning I can let you in on a little—[whispers]—top secret intel...
If cats and dogs had opposable thumbs, the world would be a better place. Yes, they'd wreck our kitchens with their constant culinary experimentation, but they'd also retrieve and bury all our guns. How do I know this? I'm not at liberty to say—you'll have to ask the mad scientist across the street. (Speak loudly—she’s 134 and refuses to change the batteries in her Bel-Tone.)
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
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