Late Night Snark: Spring Has Sprung Edition
"In Washington they're holding confirmation hearings for Joe Biden's Supreme Court nominee Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson. These hearings give a number of our Republican senators a chance to compete in one of their favorite events: the Subtle Racism Jamboree. Judge Jackson will be the first Black woman on the Supreme Court. She doesn’t need any Republican votes to get confirmed because the Vice President is the tiebreaker. That would be the GOP's ultimate nightmare—having this decided by two Black women whose names they can't pronounce."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Russia has responded to sanctions by banning the export of Russian-made cars. But a Russian-made car is just a drunk bear on roller skates."
—Michael Che, SNL
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Deer and antelope: please play responsibly.
Thanks to Putin’s media censorship, Tolstoy now wrote, “and Peace.”
—Stephen Colbert via twitter
"President Biden was in Brussels to meet with NATO leaders for an emergency summit on Russia. When they voted on a resolution condemning Putin, thirty leaders voted ‘yea’ and one office plant voted ‘nyet.’"
—Jimmy Fallon
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"West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin announced that he opposed President Biden's nominee for the Federal Reserve Board, before adding: 'But out of curiosity, who is it?'"
—Seth Meyers
"An assistant principal at an elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read a class the children's book I Need A New Butt. The book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle."
—Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 25, 2022
Note: If you would like to invest in my new cryptocurrency, Kiddiepoolcoin, please turn on your 3-D printer and produce $5 million worth of gold bars in my rumpus room. I'll send you a link to your invisible non-fungible token of a rubber duck doing something lewd with a pineapple. In lieu of a receipt, you’ll receive a postcard from my new bungalow in the Bahamas. We appreciate your business!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Mom & Pop Business Owners Day: 4
Days 'til the San Francisco International Chocolate Salon: 8
Age of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright when she died this week: 84
Percent of Buzzfeed's newsroom employees that may get shit-canned because its investors are a bunch of profit-obsessed asses: 100%
Highest bid for an original 1939 “Marvel Comics No. 1” at auction: $2.4 million
Number of letters in "lachanophobia," the fear of vegetables: 13
Number of letters in "triskaidekaphobia," the fear of the number 13: 17
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Talent on loan from God…
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CHEERS to Quick hits. There's more stuff going on in the world than we can keep track of, so here are some of the top line stories and their statuses as we head into the weekend:
Ukraine Team Zelenskyy continues running circles around Team Putin—sinking ships, blowing up tanks, ambushing convoys, killing bewildered Russki generals, and basically telling NATO to "hold our beer." The only response Russia can think of is doing war crimes against civilians.
SCOTUS confirmation hearings Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson aced her hearings, the MAGA cultists on the Senate Judiciary Committee are still face-down in the gutter they wallowed in, and Democrat Cory Booker delivered a soliloquy for the ages. P.S. Clarence Thomas remains MIA with a “mystery illness.”
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D.C. Truckers protesting Covid vaccine mandates that are no longer in force All the truckers now have covid and are gently being urged to come home by their mamas.
Stronger federal voter/election protections The Republican takeover and establishment of a dictatorship in the United States remains on track for 2025, thanks to 50 Republicans and two Democrats in the Senate. I'm sure everything will be fine, as the red-hatted cult led by Donald Trump consists only of kind, loving people dedicated to facts, logic, equality, reason, hard work, and science.
And the best news of the week: it looks like Iowa is going to lose its meaningless and counterproductive "first in the nation" status during future Democratic primary seasons. I told them that would happen when they started using less than a pound of lard in their corn dogs. Told them, I did!
CHEERS to perks ‘n paychecks. Here's some good, good, good news on the economic front as we continue recovering from nearly two years of bad, bad, bad news on jobs, jobs, jobs:
In the week ending March 19, the advance figure for seasonally adjusted initial claims was 187,000, a decrease of 28,000 from the previous week's revised level.
This is the lowest level for initial claims since September 6, 1969 when it was 182,000.
The previous week's level was revised up by 1,000 from 214,000 to 215,000. The 4-week moving average was 211,750, a decrease of 11,500 from the previous week's revised average. The previous week's average was revised up by 250 from 223,000 to 223,250.
The positive economic movement is part of a radical and audacious new American economic plan called—[Checks notes]—Let's Put Democrats In Charge of the Economy.
CHEERS to makin' up and makin' nice. Forty-three years ago today, on March 26, 1979, Israel's Menachem Begin and Egypt's Anwar Sadat signed a historic peace agreement that is still holding up today:
The Egypt-Israel peace treaty was a direct result of the Camp David Peace Accords, signed in September 1978. President Sadat and Prime Minister Begin were jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize later that year.
Under the accords, Israel agreed to withdraw troops from the Sinai Peninsula in return for Egypt's recognition of the state of Israel. Palestinians were also granted the right to some self-determination.
Said Sadat of the mediator, Democratic President Jimmy Carter, who is still with us at 97: "[He is] the man who performed the miracle. Without exaggeration, what he did constitutes one of the greatest achievements of our time." Yeah, we're kinda fond of him ourselves.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to embracing the dark side. Don’t forget to turn off your lights (yes, including your lava lamp) tomorrow night at 8:30 local time and join the world in going dark for the World Wildlife Federation's annual Earth Hour:
Started by WWF and partners as a symbolic lights-out event in Sydney in 2007, Earth Hour is now one of the world's largest grassroots movements for the environment. Held every year on the last Saturday of March, Earth Hour engages millions of people in more than 180 countries and territories, switching off their lights to show support for our planet.
Today, Earth Hour aims to increase awareness and spark global conversations on protecting nature, tackling the climate crisis, and working together to shape a brighter future for us all.
Give it a try. You'll save a little juice, save a little scratch, and join the rest of the planet in a good cause. As a special bonus, staring into a black void for a bit will give you a rare glimpse into what it looks like inside a Republican's head when someone asks them to come up with a good idea to fight climate change.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Kind of a quiet week for TV, unless you're a die-hard Academy Awards fan (more on that below). The gang at MSNBC kicks things off by unpacking all the Friday news dump bon-bons. Pulitzer-winning photojournalist Lynsey Addario is the guest on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30. On HBO's Real Time at 10, Bill Maher talks with journalist Julia Ioffe, Senator Jon Tester (D-MT), and pundit John Heilemann.
The new movies and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and you'll find the NCAA women's and men's Madness d’ le March info here and here.
The Oscars (nominations list is here), hosted by Regina King, Amy Schumer, and Wanda Sykes, will start Sunday night at 8pm on ABC and end sometime in mid-April. Also at 8: Cletus learns that his wife is hiding a secret love (of learning) on The Simpsons, while at 9:30 Lois gets hooked on painkillers on Family Guy. And I'm happy to be able to say again that the weekend will wrap up at 11 with another award-winning edition of John Oliver's Last Week Tonight on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Cory Booker (D-NK) and Rob Portman (The Cult-OH); Ukrainian Ambassador Oksana Markarova.
CNN's State of the Union: World Central Kitchen founder Chef Jose Andres; Ukrainian Ambassador Oksana Markarova; Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ); Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA); Sen. James Risch (The Cult-ID); Rep. Michael McCaul (The Cult-TX).
This Week: Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN): David Petraeus;
Face the Nation: Former U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovich; Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL); Robert Costa, who helped break the story about Justice Clarence Thomas’s traitor wife; Bob Woodward;
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Rick Sssssssscott (The Cult-FL); Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 25, 2012
JEERS to the #1 hysterically-overhyped story in the history of the universe:
Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today....!!!
For the future record: Hunger Games mania bored me silly before being bored silly by Hunger Games mania was cool.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the best science officer in the galaxy. This guy:
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Happy 91st birthday (tomorrow), Leonard Nimoy, wherever you are. (And Happy Leonard Nimoy Day in Boston.) We could really use some of your logic down here right about now.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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