Sometimes lying down in a heap and feeling broken is the best way to jumpstart feeling better. That’s a hard lesson to learn in a culture that values productivity and surmounting obstacles and it takes a lot of willpower to say “enough, I need to rest,” and then kick back as long as needed.
In the last two years, millions of people have learned what disabled people already knew: Being disabled in a world not designed with consideration of our needs is hard work. Not just the physical obstacles and lack of accommodations, but it takes effort to direct our lives in a culture that believes what we overcome and what we produce determine our value. Acute and long-haul covid infection is forcing people to confront that it’s not always possible to push through when energy is finite and not easily restored. Sometimes accepting one’s limitation, at least for the moment, is the wisest choice.
Forcing ourselves to be productive doesn’t erase illness and trying too hard to overcome a health obstacle can make it worse. This is when the wisest use of willpower is to lie down and rest, although we are taught to use willpower for the converse—to force ourselves keep going.
I’m learning, once again, about the consequences of using willpower to push through obstacles, although I’ve had a remarkable run. Getting up and doing anything has been a challenge recently and my daily life centers on basic necessities of cook-clean-sleep. I’m not bored or sad or worried, just worn out and brain-fogged. Enjoying spring, watching birds and butterflies, and smelling sweet spring flowers has been enough excitement. I had mainlined adrenaline for several years, since fleeing the wildfire in November 2018, and now that I’m settled for real with no plans to move again soon, my body sent this message: You’ve used up your adrenaline allowance. It’s time to deal with the consequences of all that overcoming adversity. Time to Fucking Rest.”