Many Dkos regulars are aware of what is going on in my life because I have posted a couple of diaries over the last few days. (here and here)
Key West is a small town with a thriving gossip mill. It’s such a thriving gossip mill, in fact, that it has a name: The Coconut Telegraph. So, many people here also know what is going on in my life. One result of this gossip is that somebody recently said something to my brother that really stuck in my craw. Don’t misunderstand. I am not angry at the person who said it. Their intent was to express sympathy. They had good intentions, but boy did they get it backwards!
For those of you who may not have seen the diaries that I posted, the Cliff Notes version is that I found out my wife of 23 years was having an affair with a former employee of ours. When I confronted her, she physically assaulted me. I left the house and couch surfed at a friends place because the house was big enough for her and our 2 teens. In that time, she misled the kids about the goings on of that night. They didn’t want to see me. Apparently, she stopped paying rent (even though I was depositing rent money in our joint account) because she got evicted. She has since abandoned the kids and left to go home to Michigan. Put a pin in that. I will circle back.
I am a sappy true believer in love. I wanted to love her for the rest of my life. I was devoted, honest, and committed. There was not a day in our 23 years together that I didn’t act with the best of intentions and faith in our relationship. Discovery of the affair absolutely crushed me. It blew a hole in me that will likely hurt for the remainder of my days. Even once I have healed, it will still hurt at least a little. I dearly love the woman that I married. Unfortunately, that person doesn’t exist anymore. They have vanished over the years to be replaced with what turns out to be a pretty shitty person.
In the time between that night and now, there have been more than a handful of days when I woke up disappointed that I hadn’t just died in my sleep. The ruined marriage, the betrayal, and the trepidation with which I viewed my future felt insurmountable, unhealable.
Questions that are difficult to ponder plague most of my waking moments:
I am 47 years old. I am not the handsome man that I was at 25 years old when I was able to win her attention. Will anybody be interested in me?
I wanted what I call a “porch swing moment”. It’s when she and I are old and sitting on a porch swing together watching our children play with our grandchildren in the yard and I put my arm around her and think of all that we’ve been through to get to that moment. It necessarily means overcoming struggles and hard times together. It is the peak of human connection and it is beautiful because there is no shortcut to attaining it. It must be earned by getting through it all together. At 47, even if I met the right person tomorrow, could I even have enough time with them to have as valuable of a porch swing moment? What are the odds that I even meet the right person now?
My ex was bombshell gorgeous. Most men will live their entire life wishing for, but never getting to be with somebody so attractive. There are some wonderful people who have expressed interest in me, but whom I don’t find physically attractive. Why should that matter?! What the hell is wrong with me that it has to matter? I am so disappointed in myself for that!
There is a woman with an incredible golden soul (and who I actually do find attractive) who has loved me for 30 years that wants to uproot her life and move here to be with me. She has been supportive and helpful since it all fell apart. She even flew down here to rub my back while I fell asleep for a week! She is an incredible person with a humongous heart filled with love for all of humanity. What if whatever is wrong with me turns this wonderful person into the miserable monster that I apparently turned the amazing woman that I married into? I couldn’t bare that.
These and many other question are all probably worthy of their own diary. I mention them today only as background for this. The person said to my brother: “It’s bad enough that she cheated on him, but now she’s left him saddled with the kids.”
No! I am not saddled with my kids! My children’s return to my life makes me feel like I have purpose again. They are the reason that I drag my butt out of bed and take care of business every day. They are why I have put the effort into climbing out of the smoking crater that had been by life. It is because of them that I feel needed. Having my daughter put her hand on my arm and tell me: “Daddy, you have me and Todd and we have you. It’s going to be ok” makes the universe an alright place again. Having my son say that it’s great to be eating my cooking again makes me feel valued once more. Solving problems in order to provide for their needs, helping with algebra homework, savoring the irreverent sense of humor and love for puns and nerd jokes that comes from my side of the family, watching them roll their eyes at my dad jokes… it’s puddy for the hole in my soul.
My children are saving my life! They are not a weight, they are the greatest buoy in the world!
Get your groove on! Love, it’s the stuff!