Late Night Snark: Leak Heard Round the World Edition
"Nothing says looking toward the future like adhering to the earliest days of common law. That’s why I believe that life begins at ‘white land-holding male.’ … So congratulations, ladies—decisions about what you can do with your body are now being made by four old dudes and a woman who thinks The Handmaid’s Tale is a rom-com."
—Stephen Colbert
"Actually, women still do have the right to choose. We can choose who to blame for this motherf*cking shit show of a travesty. For example, I choose to blame Donald Trump and Susan Collins and Mitch McConnell. Thanks to them every red state uterus is about to be public domain again like a Yankee Doodle Dandy of reproductive organs."
—Desi Lydic on The Daily Show
Continued…
You are now below the fold. Rickshaws for rent. Five bucks.
"The right to an abortion has been around for fifty years now. Think about it. You want to talk about 'history and tradition'? I think it's safe to say it's a tradition at this point. I mean, if you go without electricity for a weekend, you're camping. If you go without it for fifty years, you're Amish, motherf*cker, that's just who you are."
—Trevor Noah
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“This is the first time the president has attended this dinner in six years. It’s understandable. We had a horrible plague followed by two years of Covid.”
—President Biden at the WH Correspondents Dinner (More here.)
"Over in Italy there's a $700 million super yacht that experts think belongs to Vladimir Putin, and it's trying to set sail before it's seized. Turns out 'Escaping On A Yacht' is is the last square Putin needs to get a Supervillain Bingo."
—Jimmy Fallon
"According to unconfirmed reports, Russian President Vladimir Putin is set to undergo cancer surgery. Doctors think that with their sharpest skills and a little luck, they can remove all the Putin."
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 6, 2022
Note: Virtual Meetup Alert! Among the ways we're marking Daily Kos's 20th blogiversary this month is a little online get-together on Zoom two weeks from today—and you're invited. We'll start around 6pm EDT and it'll run—for me at least—until shortly before I have to post the Friday C&J around 7:30. We'll jawbone while swigging our favorite cocktails and catching up on stuff. To get under the virtual velvet rope, you need to RSVP to Chris Reeves via kosmail. Drop him a line here and he'll put you on the list. Shortly before the event, he'll send you the info for logging in to the Zoom account. Hope to see you there!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Putin's glorious Moscow tank parade and conga line: 3
Days 'til the MSU Billings Wine and Food Festival: 6
Amount by which the Fed is raising interest rates, the biggest single increase in 22 years: .5%
Expected decline in the deficit this year: $1.5 trillion
Percent chance that Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito will go down in history as one of the worst justices and human beings since that Roger Taney guy wrote the opinion in the Dred Scott case: 100%
Months it took—thanks to the horrible early denial, bumbling, and corruption of President Donald J. Trump—for the U.S. to officially reach 1 million deaths from COVID-19: 27
Expected spending on Mother's Day gifts this year: $28 billion
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Puppy Pic of the Day: It's in da hooooole!!!
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JEERS to great moments in chicken shittery. Justice Sam Alito—reason #2,376 why George W. Bush's legacy will forever wallow in the mud with sty mates like James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon, and Donald Trump—puts on a fine show of white male-chauvinist Christianist chest-thumping when he's protected by the marble walls of the Supreme Court. But when his death-to-privacy opinion gets leaked prematurely, he scurries for cover like the cockroach he is. How toxic does he believe he is now? He won’t even dare show his face in front of one his most friendly audiences:
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has canceled an appearance at a judicial conference set to begin on Thursday after a draft decision he wrote indicating the high court would overturn its landmark 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that guaranteed the right to abortion nationwide was leaked.
Alito had been set to appear at the5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals' judicial conference, a gathering of judges from the New Orleans-based federal appeals court and the district courts of Louisiana, Mississippi and Texas, a person familiar with the matter said.
How ironic. For someone who hates women with the intensity of a thousand suns, he sure turned out to be the biggest pussy on the planet.
CHEERS to the hot mess in the hot seat. The House committee investigating the Republican party's 2021 attempt to seize and destroy the United States government continued this week in advance of the public hearings that will start in early June. Among those being grilled about what they knew and when they knew it: the son Donald Trump thought he never had until he was reminded about him by Melania, the wife whom he thought he never had until he was reminded about her by his daughter, who he definitely knows he has because she's hot. But anyway. A reminder:
Trump Jr. was seen backstage at the rally on the White House Ellipse that took place shortly before Trump supporters marched to the Capitol and breached the building.
In several social media videos posted at the time of the attack, Trump Jr. was seen with his girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, and other members of his family as his father prepared to speak to the crowd.
When they'd finished speaking with Junior, the committee gained no new knowledge, but they did collectively lose six IQ points.
CHEERS to "Give 'Em Hell Harry." And happy 138th birthday Sunday to #33, the former haberdasher who said "I felt like the moon, the stars and all the planets had fallen on me" when he became president after FDR died in 1945. Back when he had some shred of relevance, George W. Bush liked to cling to the notion that his legacy would be vindicated over time, as Truman's was. Or perhaps not: when Bush came into office, the country was enjoying virtually unprecedented peace and prosperity and he led us straight into depression and war. Truman's situation was a bit different. From the book Rating the Presidents, in which over 700 historians and political gurus rank Truman #7:
Ahead of him was the task of leading a nation worn out from almost sixteen years of depression and war.
Truman paid heavily for the mood of the people and the troubles of the times. Contemporary opinion polls gave him terrible ratings. He was reviled, the endless butt of jokes like, "To err is Truman."
In later, calmer years historians and political scientists assessing his standing consistently ranked him among America's ten best presidents. Our poll participants give him high rankings in all categories, never dropping him lower than ninth and in the Accomplishments and Crisis Management categories ranked him sixth.
But, golly, it sure sucked when Dewey defeated him. Titter titter.
CHEERS to real "Mission Accomplished" moments. And speaking of Truman, World War II—which got started in 1939 when Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked a kerosene lantern into Adolf Hitler's crotch (source: Conservapedia)—officially ended in Europe 77 years ago tomorrow. Truman famously said: "The flags of freedom fly all over Europe." And the head of the House cafeteria famously said: "Hooray, we can finally change 'freedom veal' back to 'wienerschnitzel.'"
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to lime, tangerine, strawberry, blueberry and grape. The iMac 'puter machine—in blue originally but then expanded to four other "flavors"—was unveiled 24 years ago today. Said CNET News at the time:
"We'll sell lots of them. This is the sexiest computer I've ever seen," said Jim Halpin, president and CEO of CompUSA, in a phone interview today with CNET's NEWS.COM. […]
Apple's first brand new Macintosh consumer system in over a year is different from previous Apple offerings—and its PC rivals—in that it will offer lots of built-in features at a low price. The iMac will come with a 233-MHz PowerPC processor, a 4GB hard drive, built-in networking, an internal modem, and a CD-ROM drive for $1,299, among other features.
Not to be outdone, two decades later PCs and laptops now come in a variety of cool and crazy colors, too: black and gray. Mine is both black and gray with some silver around the edges. What can I say? I'm a badass.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you're looking for a mediocre and half-assed listing of what's appearing on home screens this weekend, you've come to the right mediocre and half-assed place. Things start out the usual Friday way with MSNBC unpacking the day's news dumps. I haven't watched HBO's Real Time in forever since Bill Maher went to the dark side, but tonight's episode might be worth a peek since his guests include Maine state Senator Chloe Maxmin (D) and Democratic strategist Paul Begala.
The new movies (did we really need a 120th Dr. Strange movie?) and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the NBA playoff schedule is here. The 148th Kentucky Derby is Saturday (as usual my money’s on the mule wearing the rocket shoes). Coverage of the 3-minute race starts 4½ earlier at 2:30 on NBC. Later that night, Benedict Cumberbatch (seriously, dude, did we REALLY need a 120th Dr. Strange movie?) hosts SNL.
On 60 Minutes: Trump’s Secretary of Defense Mark Esper hawks his book, in which he informs America that Trump wanted to launch missile strikes on Mexico and then lie about it, and a report on how the pandemic is affecting the mental health of kids and teens. Then: Marge terrifies Homer somehow on The Simpsons, and Peter and Chris take a road trip to Canada on Family Guy. Finally, before we go lights-out Sunday night, John Oliver returns with a fresh edition of Last Week Tonight on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Gov. Larry Hogan (The Cult-MD); Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), NARAL Pro-Choice America President Mini Timmaraju; Susan B. Anthony List President Marjorie Dannenfelser.
Face the Nation: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi; Rep. Nancy Mace (The Cult-SC); Former Attorney General Eric Holder; Ukrainian Ambassador to the United States Oksana Markarova; Lockheed Martin CEO Jim Taiclet.
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY); U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Linda Thomas-Greenfield; Gov. Tate Reeves (The Cult-MS).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Chris Murphy (D-CT) and Lindsey Graham (The Cult-SC).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 6, 2012
CHEERS to the invasion of Jesusland. Oh, my. This is gonna scare the conservative evangelicals out of their britches. Seems the religion that wears magic britches is hornin' in on their turf:
[The] Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reported 2 million new adherents and new congregations in 295 counties where they didn't exist a decade ago, making them the fastest-growing group in the U.S. Mormons were the fastest-growing group in 26 states, expanding beyond their historic home in Utah to the heart of the Bible Belt … Muslims came in second, with growth of 1 million adherents in 197 new counties, to a total of about 2.6 million. Overall, non-Christian groups grew by 32 percent over the past decade.
I'm a lapsed Episcopalian (Lord, how I miss the pancake suppers), so I ain't no expert, but… The take-home message here seems to be: Christians should perhaps spend less time in church and more time in marketing class.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to ol' Whats'ername. So what's Mom worth these days? According to insure.com, more than ever...
The value of the everyday tasks mothers do is rising. Over the last year, if moms were compensated for all the jobs they do for their families, they would have received a salary of more than $126,725.
That’s an increase of 9.2% over last year’s findings, the first time the index topped six figures.
For this year’s index, we kept the jobs performed by mothers the same as last year, but it by no means is an exhaustive list. The pandemic has only increased the responsibilities of mothers in the U.S., from raising puppies to balancing work and home life when a school is closed due to COVID exposure.
So why don't we actually pay them for their toil? Because they'd just funnel the money into a tax-free "Mommy Account" in the Cayman Islands and use the interest—not to mention their “Mommy Space Lasers”—to build a giant mom clone army with which to take over the world. So this Mother's Day (Sunday), for the good of the planet, send her a gift-wrapped empty box and, when she opens it, tell her it’s a box full of love, which is invisible. And then, for your own personal safety, it would probably be a good idea to run away really fast. And return with a gift card to a day spa.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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