Late Night Snark: Summer Shitshow Edition
“The decision to overturn Roe v. Wade will be devastating. 26 states will likely move to ban abortion immediately. Which is a shame, because the only interesting thing to do in North Dakota is get an abortion. … The legal consequences of this decision aren't limited to providers. Medical professionals say [anti-abortion laws] are often based on faulty science and disproportionately hurt low-income women and women of color. Which, at this point, is basically the slogan for our country.”
—Samantha Bee
Clip of Liz Cheney at Jan. 6 hearing: Don’t be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence.
Stephen Colbert: It's true. Because if we do, the Reptilians who run the new world order will steal our spines to use as radio towers to broadcast our location to Bill Gates.
—The Late Show
Continued...
"The January 6th committee is reminding everyone just how close we came to democracy basically collapsing. It was a handful of people in the right position choosing to do the right thing that saved us from a constitutional crisis. But there are multiple candidates running for consequential positions right now on the platform of basically, 'let's do the coup again, but better next time.'"
—John Oliver
“The FDA announced that it will ban the sale of JUUL e-cigarettes. In related news, some 15-year-olds just breached the Capitol.”
—Seth Meyers
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"The Uvalde police had assault rifles, body armor, and ballistic shields. What else were they waiting for? The invincible star from Mario? … The one time it would have been appropriate to go in guns blazing, the cops decide to have a picnic outside. But if you’re Black or have a broken taillight, then all of a sudden they go all Rambo on your ass.”
—Trevor Noah
"Today is the summer solstice, which means it's the longest day of the year. So if today felt extra-long, you're either in our hemisphere or you own Bitcoin."
—Jimmy Fallon
"For Father’s Day my kids regifted me a cold and distant stare."
—Conan O'Brien on Twitter
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 24, 2022
Note: There will be no C&J on Monday. Instead, please enjoy the giant gaping hole that our absence will leave in the very heart of Daily Kos. Bring binoculars—that's one deep chasm. Back Tuesday with a defibrillator and lots of first-aid cream.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til the 53rd anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing: 26
Days 'til the Homegrown Pineapple Festival in Hawaii: 8
Minimum number of witnesses whom Jan. 6 committee co-chair Liz Cheney says have pleaded the 5th in their depositions: 30
Percent of Americans polled by Suffolk University-USA Today who say they would support a Supreme Court decision overturning access to contraceptives: 9%
Percent in the same poll who would support a SCOTUS decision to overturn same-sex marriage rights: 19%
Rank of FDR, Lincoln, and Washington on the Siena College Research Institute's latest list of best presidents: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Donald Trump, Andrew Johnson, and James Buchanan: #43, #44, #45
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Kids these days...
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CHEERS to Day 5. Thursday's hearing by the Jan. 6 committee was the rescheduled one that was scrubbed last week, and all I can say is: glad they didn't cancel it. These hearings are a series of tactical deployments of evidence, each one cutting off one Trump escape route after another until…well, that's up to our illustrious Attorney General. Thursday's hearing, which focused on Trump's attempted coercion of the Justice Department to help him steal the 2020 election, was no exception. Since it's Friday and we're all tired and beat (thanks, SCOTUS), I'll just give you the money quote:
Thankfully “me and the Republican congressmen” were the stupidest hacks on the planet. The only question now is…will they also be the jailcelliest?
CHEERS to Miss Moneybags. Continuing to make good—like, really good—on his commitment to have the most diverse government team in history, President Biden came through again this week with an historic nomination. Lost in this week's news hubbubs was this bright spot (and candidate in tonight's poll):
Move over, Andrew Jackson—you’re going to have to share the face of the $20 bill with a Native American woman soon. […] The Treasury Department announced Tuesday that President Biden had picked Lynn Malerba, lifetime chief of the Connecticut-based Mohegan Tribe, to be the next U.S. Treasurer.
Her first job: count the gold bars in Fort Knox and find out how many stuck to Steve Mnuchin’s fingers on his way out.
The Treasurer’s office dates back to the Continental Congress before the Treasury Department itself was created and one of its perks is having the Treasurer’s signature appear on the front faces of U.S. currency bills, an honor shared with the Treasury Secretary.
That means once she’s settled, Malerba, whose ceremonial title as lifetime chief was bestowed upon her by the tribe’s Council of Elders, will have her name on the $20 bill, next to the portrait of Andrew Jackson. Jackson is the president responsible for the removal of several tribes from the Southeastern U.S. and is blamed for the consequent Trail of Tears.
Once Malerba is confirmed, all our paper money will have two ladyfolk signatures on it—hers and Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen's. That would really piss off the mighty MAGA menfolk of Mount Misogyny. If they could read.
CHEERS to the 19th century comeback kid. Grover Cleveland ran this crazy republic from 1885 to 1889, sat on the sidelines for four years after losing to Benjamin Harrison, and then bounced back to wrangle the White House for another term in 1892, making him both #22 and #24 in the history books. And speaking of paper currency: while Lincoln has to make do with the $5 bill and Washington only gets the buck, Cleveland gets the friggin' grand…
Anyway, he shuffled off his mortal coil 114 years ago today and so far he hasn't bounced back from that. But as a wise zombie once said: "Never say die."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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WHOOPS to pissing off the wrong people. 146 years ago this week, in 1876, General George Armstrong Custer and his 7th Cavalry met their Waterloo at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana. Moments after the shooting stopped, a corporal arrived on the scene with an urgent message from HQ: "Duck!" Fate is a cruel master.
CHEERS to home vegetation. As far as TV goes, not much on this weekend. The MSNBC crew will be competing tonight with the virtual Daytime Emmy Awards (9pm on CBS), and all I can say is, if Marlena doesn’t win for Days of Our Lives I’m going to bury the Emmy voters alive after having their babies that will all have evil twins who are possessed by the devil.
Big game between Colorado and Tampa Bay tonight at 8 on ABC. Colorado leads 3 games to 1. Game 6, if needed, is Sunday night.
Oh, and tonight at 8 me and my online Enterprise crewmates are live-tweeting—via hashtag #allstartrek—the classic Decker vs. General Mills Bugle Corn Snack episode of Star Trek airing on the H&I network.
The most popular movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (I believe the notable big-screen release is the new Elvis biopic with Tom Hanks in Colonel Tom Parker’s shoes.) Sports schedules: MLB here and WNBA here.
On 60 Minutes: encore reports on neurological symptoms aimed at U.S. diplomats in foreign countries, and new weapons that firefighters have for battling blazes 24/7. If you’re a Westworld fan (I gave up early in season 2), the new season starts Sunday at 9 on HBO. And John Oliver has a new edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight lined up Sunday night at 11.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Reps. Adam Schiff (D-CA) and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY); Gov. Asa Hutchinson (The Cult-AR);
Not sure yet if Boris Johnson will be speaking to Jake Tapper as prime minister or honorary chair of the Royal Bedhead Society.
This Week: Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA); Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD); Gov. Kristi Noem (The Cult-SD); Dr. Jennifer Ashton; ABC News’ Cecilia Vega on President Biden’s overseas trip.
CNN's State of the Union: British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
Face the Nation: Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); World bank president David Malpass; Former Chief of Staff to Vice President Mike Pence Marc Short; U.S. Rep. and Jan. 6 Committee member Pete Aguilar (D-CA).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Lindsey Graham (The Cult-SC); Stacey Abrams.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 24, 2012
JEERS to a gathering of Siths. Here's an actual transcript of what went on during Mitt Romney's Park City, Utah retreat for the star chamber of Republican leaders and the billionaire SuperPAC'ers who tell them what to do:
Kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy…
And in other news, Mitt Romney rents cargo plane for personal use when swollen lips prevent him from boarding his private jet. Film at 11.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to singin’ in church. As Congress and the president move to pass the first gun-control legislation in three decades, we note that seven years ago this week, while eulogizing the recently-murdered Rev. Clementa Pinckney at Charleston, South Carolina's Emanuel A.M.E. Church, President Barack Obama paused for the longest time. You could hear a pin drop, it got so quiet. Was he too choked up to go on? Had he lost his place in his sermon? Had he, after consoling so many other audiences in the wake of gun massacres, simply run out of f*cks to give?
Not quite. He was just winding up to deliver an emotional grand finale from his soul that would once again demonstrate why he’ll always be placed in the top ranks of all the presidents. Watch as the faces behind him light up…
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His immediate successor, who never bothered to learn the words to the national anthem or God Bless America, let alone Amazing Grace, botched every attempt—I can count the number of times on one hand and still have some fingers left over—to comfort families who lost loved ones to gun violence. (Up to and including slapping his autograph on giant photos of dead victims.) I guess if you want to show you have a heart, you have to…y’know…have a heart.
Have a tolerable weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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