Late Night Snark: SCOTUS Fallout Continues Edition
"Men have had all kinds of reactions to last week's abortion ruling. Ever since the Supreme Court struck down Roe v. Wade urologists have seen a spike in vasectomies. I've never personally performed a vasectomy, but I'd like to try my very first one on Samuel Alito."
—Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Chelsea Handler
"Justice Stephen Breyer retired and Ketanji Brown Jackson was sworn in as the newest Supreme Court justice. Justice Jackson made history as the first Black woman and the first person to make people cheer for the Supreme Court in the past two weeks."
—Jimmy Fallon
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Where everything is lightly-breaded.
"I'm glad Medieval Times workers are trying to unionize. I love Medieval Times. Where else can you get a glimpse of what America's gonna look like when this Supreme Court is done?"
—Trevor Noah
“Roses are red / violets are blue / do something for the love of god Democrats we already voted for you.”
—Samantha Bee
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Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: At the end of the [Jan. 6] hearing, when you hear that Mark Meadows—chief of staff to the president himself—asked for a pardon because he knew he was breaking the law to seize power and undermine democracy in the United States, it is stunning…and that the president himself was willing to choke his own Secret Service.
Stephen Colbert: You know the detail that I like? He goes to grab the steering wheel—and this is how long it's been since he's driven himself anywhere—he thinks you can drive from the back seat. He forgot about the pedals.
—The Late Show
Happy Birthday Declaration of Independence—you may be older, but you’re aging much better than the Constitution.
—Conan O'Brien on Twitter
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 8, 2022
Note: Got a text last night from the International Space Station: ”Send oxygen now! Send oxygen now! “ Yeah, like I'm just sitting on a bunch of extra air. Set up a GoFundMe account or whatever the kids do these days. I’m not a scientist!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus: 168
Days 'til the Marysville Peach Festival in California: 7
Number of job openings employers posted in May, higher than forecasters estimated: 11.3 million
Estimated number of humans on Planet Earth who have severe or moderate difficulty finding enough food to eat, according to a new report from the U.N.: 2.3 billion
Jobs created last month, higher than forecast: 372,000
Number of school shootings in the U.S. since 2018 because we don’t have the brains to ban the goddam guns: 119
Year that jousting became the official sport in Maryland: 1962
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to calming down the mob. The obsession over U.S. gas prices, which are far lower than all the other industrialized countries but one or two, has been quite the sorry spectacle. I understand it can be expensive if you have a long commute to and from work. But I can't tell you how many well-off tourist whiners and complainers I've seen who drive up in their gas-guzzling SUV or pickup truck, park in front of our house, sit there burning precious fuel for half an hour while waiting for a text from the corner deli telling them their food is ready, then return to their vehicle and sit there for another stretch as they eat while idling, spewing bagel bits all over the place as they bitch about the cost of gas. Well here's some good news, snowflakes:
The average price of gasoline has fallen by nearly $0.25 a gallon after hitting a record-high last month. … AAA says the average price nationwide has dropped to about$4.78 a gallon. […]
[O]il companies have been slowly ramping up production here in the U.S. They're pumping more oil now than at any time since the early months of the pandemic---about a million barrels a day more oil than they were a year ago.
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[A]nalysts do say if crude oil prices stay where they are right now, retail gasoline prices could drop by another $0.30 to $0.50 a gallon.
Please: no one tell 'em that a small latte currently costs an average of $44 a gallon. Their caffeinated heads might explode.
CHEERS to the end of the shaggy PM. 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo! What's all this about then, Mum? Great Britain just said "Bullocks!" to Boris Johnson muckin' about and gave the old sod the heave-ho, then? About bloody time…
Scandal-ridden British Prime Minister Boris Johnson capitulated to mounting pressure to step down Thursday, announcing his decision after days of high-profile government resignations and calls from fellow Conservative Party members to quit. […]
He becomes the third consecutive British prime minister to resign before their term in recent years, following in the footsteps of Theresa May and David Cameron.
Months of discontent over Johnson’s judgment and ethics within his governing party erupted with the resignations of Treasury chief Rishi Sunak and Health Secretary Sajid Javid within minutes of each other Tuesday evening. The final straw for them was the prime minister’s shifting explanations about his handling of sexual misconduct allegations within Conservative Party ranks.
His official reason for leaving: he wants to spend more time with his family. Among those begging him to reconsider: his family.
CHEERS to Yankee Ingenuity. On this date in 1872, the doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Maine. But only after his early attempts to market it as the Ronco Miracle Circumcision Wizard failed to catch on.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a compelling story well told. On July 8, 1776, the Declaration of Independence got its first public reading in Philadelphia. The crowd's response was loud and unanimous: "Speak up! Grandma forgot her Beltone!"
JEERS to bad birthday boys. O.J. Simpson turns 75 tomorrow. And for some strange reason, no one will be within a mile of his house when he cuts the cake.
CHEERS to home vegetation. It's the middle of summer, and you really should spend the weekend outside burning brats, drinking beer and causing horrible gaping wounds with lawn darts and gender-reveal explosives. So all you're getting tonight is the briefest mention of what's on the tube, starting, as usual, with the MSNBC crew, who will digest today’s Friday news dumps and provide the meaning of it all or your money back. Or at 8 you can join me and fans of the original Trek series at #allstartrek for live-tweeting of tonight’s episode: The Immunity Syndrome.
The new movies and videos are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Thor: Love and Onset Arthritis is the big in-theater release.)
Sports schedules: MLB here, WNBA here, and Wimbledon action airs on ABC (women’s final tomorrow, men’s final Sunday). On 60 Minutes: encore reports on the return of supersonic air travel and the series Ted Lasso. And Sunday night at 10 the premiere of the reboot of The $100,000 Pyramid airs with Jason Alexander (George Costanza) facing Wayne Knight (Newman!). Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL).
Face the Nation: Vice President of the United States Kamala Harris; House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD); Gov. Glenn Youngkin (The Cult-VA); filmmaker Alex Holder (Unprecedented).
CNN's State of the Union: Govs. J.B. Pritzker (D-IL) and John Sununu (R-NH); House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-CA).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Creepy Sen. John Barrasso (The Cult-WY).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 8, 2012
CHEERS to stepping on the economic accelerator. Sorry, people of means. If President Obama gets his way, those of you making over $250,000 per year will be forced to go back in time to the old Clinton-era tax rates. To give you an idea of what that feels like, picture yourself driving down the road at 35 miles per hour and hitting the gas 'til you're going 39. Oh, and you make at least a quarter of a million dollars a year. Kinda feels like that.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the do-gooders among us. Every Friday, tonight included, our C&J poll asks, "Who won the week?" We do our best to round up representative samples of the people who make us feel a little mushy-gushy and remind us that all is not lost just yet. Thanks to your smarts and good sense, the Class of the Second Quarter of 2022, presented here for future discovery by a team of blogaeologists, is a good-lookin' bunch, with lots of love for Ukraine and the Jan. 6 Committee. The envelopes, please…
April 1 (Tie) Ukraine: Zelensky and his forces continue romp-a-stomping Putin's "mighty" military…...and President Biden, for telling Russia that Putin "cannot remain in power" and being on duty during 5.7% GDP for 2021—the best since 1984
April 8 Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, confirmed by the Senate as our newest justice on the Supreme Court and the first Black woman to take a seat there
April 15 Ukraine, for sinking the Moskva (aka Russia's Bismarck)
April 22 Michigan state Senator Mallory McMorrow, for going viral with her speech against the MAGA cult's new crusade to falsely tar Democrats as what GOPers actually are: soulless sexual deviants
April 29 Ukraine, for doling out another week of humiliation and pain to the troglodyte Russian horde
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May 6 Ukraine, for turning Putin's planned May 9 "glorious victory" tank parade into a hollow bullshit spectacle by morphing Russia's war machine into scrap metal
May 13 Ukraine, for ruining Putin's May 9 victory party, crushing a Russki river crossing attempt, and welcoming First Lady Jill Biden at the newly-re-opened U.S. Embassy
May 20 Karma, as voters kick Madison Cawthorn out after one term in office
May 27 Texas candidate for governor Beto O'Rourke, for confronting Gov. Greg Abbott at a BS-filled damage-control press conference after the massacre in Uvalde
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June 3 Canada, for showing us how gun control is done: ban on sale/imports of handguns, assault weapon buy-backs, magazine limits, 'red flag' laws, and bigger penalties for gun smuggling
June 10 The Jan. 6 commission, for opening its public hearings with eye-popping revelations that grabbed a significant chunk of the nation's attention
June 17 The Jan. 6 Subcommittee, for continuing its avalanche of video and witness testimony exposing how the attempted coup was planned by Trump and his treasonous stooges
June 24 The Jan. 6 commission, for continuing to lay bare in public hearings the Trump conspiracy to steal the 2020 election…and announcing an expansion of their investigation
Who will win in the third quarter? I'm sworn to secrecy, but here's a hint: one of the winners will have tentacles and wear a top hat.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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