Late Night Snark: "Knock Knock!" Edition
“Yesterday, we all got the present we wanted: FBI agents raided Mar-A-Lago. Oh, mwah! That is the most beautiful sentence America has ever produced. It’s right up there with: We put cheese inside the crust. We still don’t know why the raid happened, because we don’t yet know what was in the warrant. Think about that—we’re talking about the former president of the United States of America. The FBI raids his home, and all we can think is, ‘Hmm, I wonder which of his crimes they’re investigating.’”
—Stephen Colbert
“This sets a dangerous precedent. If Donald Trump could be investigated for crimes, who’s next? Other criminals?”
—Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Rob McElhenney
Continued below the fold, but not before we suggest you peruse the poll options carefully...
You are now below the fold. Ditch the socks.
“News of the FBI search not only set off a political firestorm, but also enraged Trump’s base. Although, to put it in context, the green M&M not being sexy anymore also enraged his base.”
—Jimmy Fallon
I wonder if the FBI found all of his burner toilets.
—Conan O'Brien via Twitter
Jimmy Kimmel Live’s co-head writer:
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"Don’t look now, people, but all of a sudden 'Sleepy Joe' has himself a pretty fat stack of accomplishments. In just the last few weeks, he'll have done lower prescription drug prices, the biggest investment in green energy ever, health care for veterans exposed to burn pits, investments in computer chip production, and he capped the leader of al Qaeda while he was sunbathing. And he did all of this with Covid. I bet the White House doctors are trying to figure out how to give Covid back to the president again—if we get him re-infected he may end the war in Ukraine!"
—Trevor Noah
"Alex Jones, a man who boldly answers the question: what if Grimace were a Proud Boy?"
—John Oliver, on the $45 million Jones now owes a Sandy Hook family
And two years ago this week…
"Joe Biden has selected Kamala Harris as his running mate. Kamala is the daughter of two immigrants, she went to Howard University, and she's a Democratic senator from California. It's an inspiring story. Unless you're Donald Trump—then it’s a Stephen King novel."
—Jimmy Fallon
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 12, 2022
Note: Don’t violate the Espionage Act. Violating the Espionage Act is bad. Don’t do it. I mean it.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of Rosh Hashanah: 44
Days 'til the Telluride Mushroom Festival in Colorado: 5
Inflation rate in July: 0%
Current most common pump price in America: $3.69
Amount Micron plans to spend over the next 7 years on new semiconductor chip manufacturing facilities in the U.S. after President Biden signed the CHIPS bill into law: $40 billion
Amount by which corporations are expected to pay more in taxes over the next decade because of the 2022 Inflation Reduction Act: $296 billion
Number of letters in Allodoxaphobia, the fear of other people's opinions: 14
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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JEERS to pain at the pump. But thanks to President Biden and his Demon Rat party, our brief national petrol nightmare is over, and frankly I can't believe the media are even acknowledging it since it's good news:
The national average price for a gallon of gas fell below $4 on Thursday for the first time since early March, according to AAA data. The milestone was reached after more than 55 consecutive days of declining prices at the pump.
The national average price for a gallon of gas, which stands at $3.99, has fallen more than 20% since it reached a peak of $5.01 in mid-June, according to data AAA provided to ABC News. […]
The effort to reduce gas prices has made up a key policy priority of President Joe Biden.
And according to the Cleveland Fed (via Calculated Risk): "Motor Fuel decreased at a 61% annualized rate in July." If there's a god, that'll be the same annualized rate at which people quit bitching about gas prices.
CHEERS to perspective. The 45th president of the United States was deposed this week by the New York Attorney General's office. After claiming many times through the years that no one invokes the Fifth Amendment unless they're a mafia-style criminal, the 45thpresident invoked the Fifth Amendment this many times:
5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th 5th
Sure. Totally innocent.
P.S. Meanwhile...
I hear Gitmo is lovely this time of year.
CHEERS to compassionate conservatism. 67 years ago today, on August 12, 1955, that liberal fringe kook President Dwight Eisenhower raised the hourly minimum wage from 75¢ to a dollar. Or, as Republicans today would call it, "a dollar too much."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to great moments in inventin' stuff. Wipe that doughnut powder off your face and sit up straight, this is important. This week marks the 109th anniversary of the invention of stainless steel. It was created by metallurgist Harry Brearley, who had the good sense to "add chromium to molten iron [that] produced a metal that didn’t rust." Today stainless steel is a ubiquitous part of life on earth. But to survive the slings and arrows of modern-day politics, only Teflon will do.
CHEERS to home vegetation. No hard evidence to go on here, but it seems like this weekend—smack dab in the middle of August—is poised to be the dog-days'iest of summer. If the teevee calls, it'll be pretty slim pickin's. So here it is in a nutshell:
Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew start things off tonight with the Friday news dumps, including the latest on Trump’s legal hell. (I’ve stopped watching Bill Maher’s show, but if you must know, he’s got three mentally-compromised conservatives on, including Ross Douthat and Piers Morgan.) The most popular movies and streaming options, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The baseball schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here. On a new edition of 60 Minutes: reports on the drought-stricken Colorado River, and the Hope Chicago scholarship program. Finally, John Oliver gives his take on the FBI search of Mar-A-Lago on a fresh edition of HBO’s of Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Mike Rounds (The Cult-SD); Chuck Todd shows off his new little red wagon.
Face the Nation: Reps. Adam Schiff (D-CA), Brian Fitzpatrick (The Cult-PA), and Michael McCaul (The Cult-TX); Superintendent of the Los Angeles Unified School District Alberto Carvalho.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY); Rep. Mike Turner (The Cult-OH); Gov. Asa Hutchinson (The Cult-AR).
This Week: Governor Larry Hogan (R-MD); Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); columnist Dana Milbank promotes his new book The Destructionists: The Twenty-Five-Year Crack-Up of the Republican Party.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Senator Mittens (R-UT); General Jack Keane (Ret.).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 12, 2012
JEERS to unnecessary punctuation. Today's boring correction: 55 seconds into a rant against her own party's presidential nominee, the Fox News graphics department put up this chyron to identify her:
ANN COULTER
"DEMONIC" AUTHOR
The quotation marks are superfluous and should be removed. We assume Fox News apologizes for the error. Which, now that I think about it, would be a first.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a wild time in the Hawkeye State. Skies will be a mix of sun and clouds and the air will be hot-bordering-on-broiling in Iowa through the weekend, and for the latter you can thank the vats of bubbling fat and roving gangs of bloviating politicians at the legendary State Fair. This time around the traditional 600-pound butter cow (whose butter is recycled and can be reused for up to ten years, they say) has company in the form of a tribute to the movie version of The Music Man to mark its 60th anniversary. And another tradition that will be on full display is the awkward eating of the corn dogs. So, for old time's sake, enjoy these memories from that golden presidential election year 2012 (the guy in the lower left was recently in charge of our nukes and I believe the guy in the upper right just joined The Village People as the construction worker) with bonus ice cream cone thoroughly embarrassed to be seen with the guy recently fired from CNN for being a racist weirdo:
People really love watch Republicans stuff their faces at the fair. Mainly because it shuts ‘em up for a few minutes. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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