Late Night Snark: Biden’s BFD Edition
"President Biden signed the Inflation Reduction Act—a huge achievement. It makes the single-biggest investment in addressing climate change ever. While I'm here, I should probably talk about some of the other existential threats facing our nation: the enormous gaps in wealth and income, the threats to our democracy. But I really think one of the most serious issues facing our country today is just how big a dick Ted Cruz is."
—Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Al Franken
"I took all the dishes out of the sink and made my kids Frito pie."
—Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) explaining to Franken what she did to celebrate voting by proxy for the Inflation Reduction Act. (Her flight from San Diego to DC was canceled so she couldn’t be there in person.)
Continued...
You are now below the fold. I’ll alert the media.
"Amazingly, it turns out the FBI even checks your locked safes when they go through your home with a search warrant. The only way around that is if your safe says NO FBI ALLOWED! on it. Then they legally cannot look in there."
—John Oliver, on Trump's whining about his Mar-A-Lago safe being searched by the FBI as they were executing their judge-approved warrant
Okay, GOP, you win: we should arrest whoever appointed FBI Director Christopher Wray.
—Stephen Colbert on Twitter
Right now the FBI is Googling how to get ketchup off sensitive documents.
—Conan O'Brien on Twitter
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"Liz Cheney has vowed to do anything to stop Trump from becoming president again, even possibly running against him. Maybe it's a long shot, but don’t forget: she's a Cheney. If there's one thing they're committed to, it's regime change."
—Trevor Noah
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 19, 2022
Note: A teeny-tiny but obnoxious reminder that tomorrow is World Mosquito Day. I got mine a tiny pair of Garfield-eating-lasagna socks. So cute.
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til the start of the Labor Day weekend: 2
Days 'til Washington State Garlic Fest in Chehalis: 7
Percent in excise tax that companies will have to start paying next year when they purchase shares of their own stock: 1%
Number of supersonic aircraft American Airlines is buying from Boom Supersonic: 20
Year of the last supersonic commercial flight (British Airways): 2003
Year that Dodge is retiring its Challenger and Charger to make room for more eco-friendly vehicles: 2023
Number of letters in Raspberry Rally, the new Girl Scout cookie coming next year: 14
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Puppy Pic of the Day: C&J's lab mix Haley hangin' out with the hostas:
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CHEERS to what can happen when a dog catches the car. In yet another example of how Republicans can't make a single move without bumping into the furniture, it looks like the six Puritans on the Supreme Court who overturned Roe v. Wade—based on the finest science and logic provided by 15th-century witch hunters—have shot their movement in the foot. Apparently the crucial Latino vote isn't too happy with the decision, and they're prepared to strike back this fall:
Fernand Amandi, a principal with Bendixen & Amandi, said in the key states of Arizona, Nevada and Pennsylvania—which have competitive gubernatorial and U.S. Senate races this year—Latinos favor keeping abortion legal by large margins: by 30 points in Arizona, 40 in Nevada and 41 points in Pennsylvania.
Those numbers are "signs that to me suggest Republicans overreached badly and are alienating the Hispanic vote," Amandi said. […]
In U.S. Senate races, Democratic candidates lead with Hispanic voters in those states with margins that are more similar to their leads in 2018 than 2010. In gubernatorial races, candidates also hold large leads with Latino voters, the polling data showed. Amandi said his polling showed tremendous enthusiasm for voting and projected a "record Hispanic turnout in terms of numbers in this election."
If that turns out to be true, I know what I'll be saying to Republicans who lose their races due to the repeal of Roe: "Hasta la vista...baby." (Thanks for the help, Rosetta Stone.)
JEERS to crimey business. You could hear Trump's furious cry from his Bedminister golf club and sex resort echo across the land (you might want to cover your ears): "WEISELBERRRRRRRG!!!!!!" In a stunning development, the bespectacled, bedraggled, and bewildered bookkeeper of the Trump crime family pled guilty to tax evasion—like, years and years of tax evasion—yesterday in a Manhattan courtroom:
Weisselberg pleaded guilty to all 15 counts—including conspiracy, criminal tax fraud, grand larceny and falsifying business records—and conceded he skirted taxes on nearly $2 million in income, including fringe benefits like rent, luxury cars and private school tuition for his grandchildren.
The plea implicates former President Trump's namesake family business, which was charged in the same indictment by the Manhattan District Attorney's office. […]
"For years, Mr. Weisselberg broke the law to line his own pockets and fund a lavish lifestyle. Today, that misconduct ends. Let this guilty plea send a loud and clear message: we will crack down on anyone who steals from the public for personal gain because no one is above the law," New York Attorney General Letitia James said in a statement following Weisselberg's guilty plea.
The bad news for Weisselberg: he's gotta spend time in jail and spill every last bean on the Trump Organization when it goes on trial in October. The good news for him: it's a piddly five months in jail (probably minimum-security with tennis courts and room service) and he's under no obligation to spill any beans against Trump himself or his spawn. But because he'll be perfectly willing to turn on company underlings—like Matthew Calamari, Jr. and Jeffrey McConney—that's bad news for you-know-who…
…and great news for the popcorn industry.
CHEERS to securing macadamia nuts for the Homeland. Sixty-three years ago Sunday, on August 21, 1959, President Eisenhower—whose moderate views would prompt Trump cult comparisons to Hitler if he was around today, which would be weird considering he defeated Hitler—signed an executive order proclaiming Hawaii as America's 50th state, unwittingly setting the stage for a secret plot by scalawags to, three years later, import a Kenyan-born baby in swaddling clothes to take over the Executive Branch in 2009 and kill all our old people with death panels. (That happened, right?)
Even though Cokie Roberts may have once tut-tutted you for being too much of a "foreign, exotic place," Hawaii, C&J luvs ya just the way you are. Tonight we celebrate with some tiny bubbles in the wine. And later, after our bean supper, maybe a few more in the tub.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to do-gooders of yore. As part of his 'War on Poverty,' President Lyndon Johnson signed the Economic Opportunity Act 58 years ago this week. It included funds for vocational training, loans to farmers and businessmen, establishment of a domestic version of the Peace Corps, and community action programs. Or, as modern-day Republicans call them: Ick, Blech, Yuck and Feh.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Quick roundup of TV fare for the weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes’ and Alex Wagner’s (in-)digestion of the Friday news dumps that landed in our collective lap today. Or you can join me and the Trekkie Posse tonight at 8ET as we live-tweet the original series episode The Naked Time (via the H&I Network) at hashtag #allstartrek.
The most popular movies and streamers, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The baseball schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here. The Little League World Series is now underway, and the latest games air tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on ABC.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: reports on online data detectives investigating war crimes, and an organization that provides legal education to prison inmates. And Sunday night at 11, John Oliver wraps up another mind-bending, evil-exposing week with a fresh edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Rep. Sean Maloney (D-NY); Rep. Andy Barr (The Cult-KY); Education Secretary Miguel Cardona.
This Week: House Jan. 6 Committee co-chair Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY); ABC News’ Britt Clannett reports from Ukraine.
Face the Nation: Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona; restraining order-worthy Rep. Mike Turner (The Cult-OH); Cook Political Report’s Amy Walter; Former chief of U.S. counter-intelligence David Lauflin on Trump’s legal sinkhole; and, for comic relief (we can only assume), Dr. Deborah Birx.
CNN's State of the Union: Senator Mark Kelly (D-AZ and Space); Reps. Adam Schiff (D-CA) and Dan Crenshaw (The Cult-TX).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Gov. Chris Sununu (The Cult-NH); Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 19, 2012
CHEERS to the best opening sentence you'll read all day. Politico gets the credit:
The FBI probed a late-night swim in the Sea of Galilee that involved drinking, numerous GOP freshmen lawmakers, top leadership staff—and one nude member of Congress, according to more than a dozen sources, including eyewitnesses.
In fairness, most of the Republicans, including esteemed intellectual congressman Ben Quayle, didn't take their clothes off when they took they took their plunge. Not that they weren't willing to. They just expected to walk on water.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to people with the greatest first name on the planet. 42nd President Bill Clinton turns 76 today. Some Clintonian fun facts:
✓ Clinton is one of 8 left-handed presidents. With lefty predecessors Bush I and Reagan, America was led by southpaw presidents from 1981 to 2001.
✓ In 1996, President Clinton became the first Democrat to be elected to a second term since Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1936. (16 years later Obama became the second.)
✓ He’s the only president who’s a Rhodes Scholar.
✓ Clinton was 16 when he shook hands with President John F. Kennedy in 1963, just four months before Kennedy’s death. Clinton later said he “muscled” his way through the line to meet JFK at the Boys Nation event.
✓ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech so impressed a teenaged Clinton that he memorized the entire speech right after it was given.
In his negative column: DOMA, DADT, DLC, Monica, repeal of Glass-Steagall, NAFTA, and I hear he reed-synched his sax solo on Arsenio. In his plus column: charming, scary intelligent, beat Bush I, Dole, and Perot, humiliated Gingrich, made the economy hum, beat his McDonald's addiction, post-Oklahoma City bombing speech was empathy writ large, busy humanitarian, won the Bosnian campaign, tore Romney apart piece by robotic piece at the 2012 Charlotte Democratic convention, and these days is just laying low and enjoying retirement. On the whole: a president whose camels deserve blessing. Oh, almost forgot: regards to the missus.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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