A current popular argument amongst people who question trans identities uses the "heartfelt" stories of adult women who grew up as tomboys spreading fear about the possibility of girls being "funneled" into lives as trans men. This is something that has never happened. It's also totally contrary to the entire ethos of being supportive and accepting of trans people and everyone.
So, this essay might seem unneeded. The idea I'm debunking is obviously flawed. However, I do think the question "how would my childhood be different growing up with trans acceptance?" can open some scary doors for some people (and some wonderful doors for others) for a certain type of person it could be a very effective argument. I wrote this to dissect in detail how and why it fails.
Let's just say, this is a question I've asked myself. But, I concluded that such acceptance and education about the variable nature of gender would have *helped* me. I'm sad that I didn't have access to it-- even though I don't think my life would be radically different, I could have avoided some emotional suffering and confusion. I want that for everyone. Trans positive, informed childhood isn't just beneficial to trans kids. It suggests a better relationship with gender for us all.
I don't want to link to it, but there is a video being shared widely on facebook and twitter where a woman talks about how she thinks growing up today she'd "end up" being a trans man. You see, she was a tomboy, so what if people mistook that for her being trans? (she worries)
Let's walk through it.
Imagine a "tomboy" a young girl with no interest in anything "for girls" she dresses like a boy, does boy stuff. And, because sexism exists, she isn't looking forward to being treated like a girl or a woman for all her life. "I don't want to be a girl!" she even says.
Let's even imagine that all this makes her parents wonder if she might be trans. What would trans positive parents probably do at this point? Most likely ask "are you uncomfortable being called 'she/her'? Do you not want to have your girly name anymore? What’s going on?” This changing names, pronouns and how you participate is called "social transitioning.”
For trans kids and trans tweens its really all they are asking for. Just use to different pronouns, recognize who they are, give them a chance to try it out. So, let's say this girl says "yeah, I want to be Billy not Jane," since she thinks this will address her conflicted feelings. (This is assuming her parents aren’t able to get to the bottom of her real feelings for some reason. Let's make this the 'worst case' scenario of being “mistaken for being trans” even though it’s more likely that by just talking about it it’d be clear that changing her gender isn’t really going to address her negative feelings about how hard it is to conform to feminine expectations. )
Is she now locked in to being a boy forever?
Will she be dragged to a hospital?
Obviously not.
What she might do is try out the social transitioning. This is always the first step. The name change might not feel off but I'd imagine for a tomboy who's fundamentally mad that girls aren't treated as well as boys ... being called "he" probably will feel... off.
This is where, for this reason and many others, people sometimes change their mind. If social transition fails to feel like a positive change then she might go back to she/her pronouns. And this is totally fine. The whole damn point is to free people from the constraints of gender rules not to just move people from one restrictive gender box to another.
But, let's imagine our tomboy hides how she feels about the pronouns feeling off. (this is the worst possible case, remember) So she and her parents move on to talking to a psychologist and doctor as she's getting older. What happens now? There is a lot of talking and opening up to be done.
"I hate being a girl. The world isn't fair to girls. I wish people would take me seriously even though I'm a girl. I'm a tomboy. If I have to be a guy to get treated fairly like the boys FINE I'll do it."
This isn't what being a trans man sounds like. This is what hating sexism while being a tomboy sounds like. Therapists and psychologists will pick up on this and could help her figure out what she really needs.
What about the hormones? Once a trans kid starts puberty there may be choices to make about hormones. Hormones are not required. For those under 18 this most often means “puberty blockers” — (sometimes described as “chemical castration” by extremist opponents of trans people) Hormones are used to address body dysphoria. If a trans kid has dysphoria about the typically feminine changes in their body and the lack of typically masculine changes puberty blockers could be prescribed to address the dysphoria. Not all trans people have dysphoria.
Some of these “tomboy” stories worry that the disgust with ones body due to eating disorders may be mistaken for the body dysphoria that can accompany being trans.
"Do you want to have a man's body?"
"Do you want facial hair?"
"Do you want a deep voice?"
The effects of hormones are well documented and explained to anyone who might take them. People take hormones because they want those well documented effects. "tomboys" don't *really* want to be boys. Girls with eating disorders are irrationally focused on loosing weight. Puberty blockers can cause mild weight gain. These drugs simply do not lead to effects that any girl would want … unless the person in question isn’t really a girl. Just as important, many trans people don't even take hormones. It's not like any little girl who likes to play in the mud is going to be fast tracked into hormones. The choice is up to the person taking the hormones, and this is only considered after years of social transitioning.
I think some people imagine that parents could misread signs of questioning about gender and decide to BAM put their kid on hormones the way that kids are sometimes put on ADHD medicines. This isn't how it works. We are talking about young people making informed and supervised decisions-- after YEARS of social transition and talking about what they really feel.
If anything, the whole process might be over cautious. I've heard many trans people complain that others think "it's only a phase" which can be really patronizing.
And let’s recognize that there is a ton of social pressure at every step to not go forward. Even the most trans supportive parents know that it’s just harder to live your life as a trans person. Parents and family often pounce on any little sign that maybe, the young person would rather just change their mind and go back to “normal.” This isn't something that can be accidental.
Of course, this whole discussion omits non binary people. Part of what makes a "horror" story like this possible is the idea that gender has to be binary. You need to be ALL GIRL or ALL BOY. Even though that's obviously not how people really are. I think that some of us who relate to this idea of growing up as a tomboy. And "hating being a girl" would have benefited from simply knowing that people can be non-binary. Even if in the end you don't decide that's who you are just knowing that people exist on a spectrum through gender is a liberating idea. It makes being a girl who isn’t in-line with social expectations a lot easier.
How much better off so many of us would be if we could grow up with such an understanding! If we could ditch this idea that there is only one right way to be a woman and one right way to be a man?
Not only is this better for trans kids it's better for all of us.