Mike Lindell—whom God created in a garden in Eden Prairie out of a McRib He took from Donald Trump’s lunch—is back in the news, just a little more than a week after the FBI ambushed him in a Hardee’s drive-thru and “stoled” his phone.
He wants that phone back, you see—and he’s citing reasons: 1) He really wants that phone back, 2) his sprawling, multimillion-dollar business empire is run entirely from that phone, and without it, he’s little more than a knockwurst-redolent ball of kinetic energy and Sam’s Club mustache pomade, 3) no fair! 4) Constitution-something, 5) seriously guys, I need that phone. Give it back, already. Come on!
That’s not a verbatim transcript of his latest bonkers lawsuit, but it’s pretty close.
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Lindell's suit against the U.S. Justice Department, which also listed U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland and FBI Director Christopher Wray as defendants, alleged that Lindell's constitutional rights were violated by the seizure.
After his phone was seized on Sept. 13, Lindell claimed in a podcast that the seizure prevented him from carrying out his business activities and from accessing his funds.
"Not only do I run five businesses off of it, I don't use a laptop, I don't use a computer, everything was on that phone," Lindell said.
So what did Lindell think would happen with his five businesses—including his giant pillow concern—if he’d lost his phone in addition to his mind? Granted, he’s not the most tech-savvy man on the planet—he appears to be somewhere on the learning curve between successfully scheduling faxes and discovering that you can spell “BOOBS” if you turn your calculator upside-down—but you’d think, given the sheer size of his companies, that he might have had a contingency plan for running his financial affairs in the event he lost or wrecked his phone, like just about everyone else in America.
Meanwhile, Lindell is claiming that the seizure of his phone—conducted via a duly obtained FBI warrant—somehow violated his constitutional rights.
The suit alleges that the federal agents "had no authority to detain and question Mr. Lindell against his will," and that Lindell's First Amendment rights were violated because of "his efforts to inform the public about alleged fraud and alleged irregularities he believes occurred in order to bring an end to the dependence on computerized voting and tabulating machines in elections."
It also claims authorities were tracking Lindell using location services in violation of his Fourth Amendment rights in the stop and seizure as well as his Fifth Amendment rights to due process and the Sixth Amendment.
Lindell said he uses the phone to conduct business. The suit also claims the phone is programmed to operate Lindell's hearing aids.
In case you’re really interested in what this phone seizure was all about, you can find far more details here. In short, it involves the apparently illegal breach of electronic voting machines in Mesa County, Colorado—machines that Lindell is convinced are the devil!
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Unfortunately, this latest suit is off to a wobbly start, considering that Mike Lindell filed it, not all of his lawyers are members of the court’s bar, and Martha’s Vineyard pariah and ex-lucid person Alan Dershowitz is onboard.
Meanwhile, sharp legal minds like Liz Dye from Above the Law are already making fun of it.
Lindell’s distinguished counsel on this clown suit includes Minnesota attorney Andrew Parker, who represents Lindell on various election matters, including his pending case against the January 6 Select Committee, MAGA lawyer/troll Kurt Olsen, who repped Texas AG Ken Paxton in his Supreme Court LOLsuit against seven swing states to invalidate their electoral votes and attempted to pressure the Justice Department to sign onto a similar complaint, and Alan Dershowitz, who has lots of time on his hands now since no one on Martha’s Vineyard will invite him to brunch.
In light of their very seriously pled Constitutional claims, they’d like the court to declare that Lindell’s rights were grievously violated, order the government to give back his phone and destroy any of the data collected from it, and unseal the affidavit, ’cause all the cool kids are doing that these days.
The case has been assigned to US District Judge Eric Tostrud, a Trump appointee but not an absolute bloody lunatic like his Federalist Society colleague in Florida.
Of course, if Lindell’s suit is slapped away—which it likely will be, given the FBI’s due diligence—it would only extend his legal losing streak. On Monday, a judge refused to toss voting machine company Smartmatic’s defamation lawsuit against Lindell for saying its machines helped Joe Biden steal the election from McSloven.
Lindell moved to dismiss Smartmatic’s complaint, arguing that the company failed to adequately plea the defamation claim, and that the deceptive trade practices claim fails because Lindell was acting in a personal, not professional, capacity when making statements about the 2020 election. MyPillow separately moved to dismiss Smartmatic’s complaint, arguing that it is shielded by the First Amendment and that it did not make any statements about Smartmatic. The company also argued that Lindell’s statements can’t be imputed to MyPillow.
U.S. District Judge Wilhelmina Wright on Monday denied both Lindell’s and MyPillow’s motions to dismiss the complaint. The court concluded that Smartmatic has alleged sufficient facts to support its defamation claim, including its claims that Lindell’s statements were false, that his defamatory statements were communicated to outside parties, that he knew or should have known his statements were false and that he acted with actual malice in promoting them.
Whoops. That can’t be good.
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One has to wonder how Lindell sleeps at night, particularly on those shitty pillows. His life is crumbling around his ears, and yet he appears to think Jesus and Alan Dershowitz will come through for him in the end.
Indeed, at this point, his only escape from the long arm of the law may be the Rapture.
Keep the faith, Mike, and God just might rapture you home, too! He may even let you take your phone with you, and he’ll definitely let you finish your delicious Hardee’s breakfast biscuits.
I hear they’re heavenly, after all.
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