Late Night Snark: Busy First Week of Fall Edition
“We hope everybody in Florida stays safe. Please, if you can, get out of the storm’s path. Worst-case scenario: Tell Ron DeSantis you’re Venezuelan. Maybe he gives you a free plane ride to Martha’s Vineyard.”
—Stephen Colbert
"NASA tested a new planetary defense system by smashing a spacecraft into an asteroid. Boom!!! How ya like that, asteroid? That was for the dinosaurs."
—Trevor Noah
Continued...
You are now below the fold.
Please leave your Claude Laurent at the flute check desk.
My energy this evening is very “asteroid being knocked off its trajectory.”
—Samantha Bee on Twitter
"House Republicans announced their new congressional platform, which featured a quote misattributed to Abraham Lincoln. Apparently he never actually said, 'Disney+ is grooming our children.'"
—Seth Meyers
"The Brooklyn Public library has a great program called Books Unbanned that provides online access to banned books to anyone between the ages of 13 and 21, including young people in other states where they're banning kids from reading these great books because their parents are stupid—they're banning anything that isn’t a Cheesecake Factory menu in some of these states. But this is why I love Brooklyn: even the librarians here are giving the middle finger to these people."
—Jimmy Kimmel, who aired his show from his hometown this week
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"Former President Trump said that the war between Russia and Ukraine would've never happened if he were in office. He even offered to lead peace talks between the two countries. Trump said, 'I'm an expert on foreign affairs. I've had affairs with many foreigners.'"
—Jimmy Fallon
"The midterms are right around the corner, and one candidate not doing so well is Pennsylvania Republican nominee Doug Mastriano. Mastriano is struggling in the polls. Among the ways that he sucks: he attended the January 6 riot, has a long-standing association with Christian nationalist ideas, proposed charging women who violate an abortion ban with murder...and was photographed wearing a confederate uniform. Because, historically, nothing projects 'winner' like a confederate soldier in Pennsylvania."
—Stephen Colbert
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 30, 2022
Note: A reminder that Space Force will be completely down for the weekend as Gladys the cleaning lady needs to unplug the grid so she can vacuum the commandant’s quarters. Please refrain from inciting any alien invasions until Monday morning. Thx. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 39
Days 'til the 49th World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-off at Half Moon Bay, California: 10
Number of additional HIMARS long-range (and scary accurate) rocket systems the White House approved for Ukraine, more than doubling the number they currently have: 18
Year by which President Biden's new anti-poverty initiative aims to end hunger in America: 2030
Date on which all the major cruise lines will no longer require passengers to be vaccinated for Covid-19: 10/1/22
Year that the crystal Claude Laurent flute played by Lizzo this week in D.C. was given to President James Madison as a gift: 1813
Age of Ivory Soap as of this year: 143
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to today's message from the Democratic Party Minister of Propaganda. Since there is no Democratic Party Minister of Propaganda, I decided this week to claim the title until such time that I am stabbed to death in the bathtub by the next person who wants to be the Democratic Party Minister of Propaganda more than me. Today's update is great and glorious and to be believed, each and every word:
Congress saved America today by approving $450 trillion to the national economy while simultaneously cutting the deficit and inflation in half, confirming 10 new anti-fascism judges to the Supreme Court, eliminating voter suppression and gerrymanders, federalizing abortion and LGBTQ rights, and unveiling a new technology that will reverse climate change by 2027. But what happened next will shock you!
President Biden—chosen by God to lead our great nation—single-handedly also saved America from oblivion by signing a big, beautiful document that prevented a government shutdown. The victory fireworks display lasted four hours and his approval rating soared to 92 percent as, simultaneously, the Trump crime family was cornered in their tower at Mar-A-Lago, where authorities will soon be taking them into custody after they unsuccessfully tried to flee the country in a Saudi hovercraft.
The entire staff at Fox News has rickets.
Remember: Democrats are the party of truth, freedom, patriotism, America, baseball, and very beautiful brains. Share this message with 1,000 people this weekend and you will be looked upon with pride and enthusiasm by your country. Donkey power huzzah!
CHEERS to portraits in contrast. Fifty-five years ago Sunday, on Oct. 2nd, 1967, Thurgood Marshall was sworn in as the newest member of the Supreme Court—the first African-American elevated to the nation's highest bench. He once said:
"Today's Constitution is a realistic document of freedom only because of several corrective amendments. Those amendments speak to a sense of decency and fairness that I and other Blacks cherish."
Fifty-five years later there's another African-American on the bench named Clarence Thomas. He once said, "How did this pubic hair get on my Coke can, Ms. Hill? Ha ha ha." My god, it’s like they’re twins.
CHEERS to closure. As we wrap up the first full week of autumn, here's a little unfinished business from the summer of aught twenty two that we can wrap in chains and drop off a pier. The cause of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II's death was revealed yesterday. As we all suspected, it was a deadly mix of Pop Rocks and Diet Coke. And a chicken bone. And a stampede by a herd of sheep. And the asteroid that, tragically, NASA didn't stop because it was so fixated on the other asteroid. Thankfully, the rumors about a runaway steamroller turned out to be just a figment in the Daily Mail's imagination. The Queen leaves behind two corgis and a new king who, by the looks of it, will likely die by drowning in a sea of fountain pen ink.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the day John McCain realized he'd made a terrible, awful, horrible, no-good mistake. Who can forget September 30, 2008, when Katie Couric tossed the softest of softballs to vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who whiffed once…twice…and three times she's out:
Katie Couric: And when it comes to establishing your world view, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read before you were tapped for this---to stay informed and to understand the world?
Sarah Palin: I’ve read most of them again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media...
Couric: But what ones specifically? I’m curious.
Palin: Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years…
Couric: Can you name any of them?
Palin: I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news.
The freaky part? Subscriptions to I Have A Vast Variety Of Sources Where We Get Our News Digest tripled overnight.
CHEERS to home vegetation. It's gettin' cold out—time to huddle around the warmth of the cathode-ray tube. (If you haven't got a cathode-ray tube, a half a cathode-ray tube will do. If you haven't got half a cathode-ray tube then God bless you.) Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew kick things off as usual by unpacking the Friday news dumps, while Ukrainian Ambassador to the U.S. Oksana Markarova is featured on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30. Also on PBS (9pm ET) are the 35th annual Hispanic Heritage Awards.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. Sports: the baseball lineup is here and the NFL schedule is here. Also: SNL returns to 30 Rock this weekend to start its 48th season with host Miles Teller and musical guest Kendrick Lamar.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: an investigation into the Caldor wildfire, and a profile of the South African national rugby team's first Black captain, Siya Kolisi. Then Lisa gets called for jury duty on The Simpsons, and the Griffins drive to the last Blockbuster Video store on Family Guy. Last but not least, John Oliver offers up a new edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight Sunday night at 11.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg; Sen. Rick Scott (The Cult-FL).
Face the Nation: FEMA Director Deanna Criswell; former national security adviser Gen. H.R. McMaster; Fort Myers Mayor Kevin Anderson; Sen. Rick Scott (The Cult-FL).
CNN's State of the Union: FEMA Director Deanna Criswell; Sens. Marco Rubio (The Cult-FL) and Rick Scott (The Cult-FL).
This Week: FEMA Director Deanna Criswell; Sen. Marco Rubio (The Cult-FL); retired General and former CIA Director David Petraeus, who famously let his mistress/biographer rifle through top secret military documents in “an unsecured drawer.” (And we wonder why the Sunday shows have zero credibility anymore.)
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: FEMA Director Deanna Criswell; Gov. Brian Kemp (The Cult-GA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 30, 2012
CHEERS to the way things stand. Here's a quick day-by day recap of the state of the Republican presidential campaign from the end of their convention through today:
Offense, Offense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense, Defense.
Nice trend.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the October 1 birthday boy. Taking a moment from fixating on the endless challenges facing the 46th president to say "Happy Birthday" to our 39th.
If you don’t count George Washington's fake choppers, Jimmy Carter—who turns a sprightly 98 tomorrow—owns the most famous set of presidential teeth in history. That Jimmy grin and the sense of optimism that went with it was what the country wanted and needed after the Republicans’ Watergate mess.
Although his one term isn't considered a rousing success, he kept us out of war, focused our attention on energy policy, protected huge amounts of land, was at the helm during the creation of eight million jobs, brokered peace between Israel and Egypt, and brought honesty and integrity back to the White House.
But before all that—he hates to brag, so I will—he was a U.S. Navy officer so courageous that he "was physically lowered into a damaged nuclear reactor in Chalk River, Ontario, Canada, and exposed to levels of radiation unthinkable today after an accident."
Carter's post-presidency is where he really shines (like leading the charge to eradicate guinea worm disease in Africa) and he warrants every accolade we can throw Daily Kos member 81380's way.
His motto at the Carter Center says it all: "Waging Peace, Fighting Disease, Building Hope." Done…done…and done.
And kudos for throwing jabs at the right-wing freak show, as he did in his speech during the 50th anniversary of the 1963 March on Washington in 2013:
"I believe we all know how Dr. King would have reacted to the new ID requirements to exclude certain voters, especially African-Americans. I think we all know how Dr. King would have reacted to the Supreme Court striking down a crucial part of the Voters' Rights Act, just recently passed overwhelmingly by Congress.
I think we all know how Dr. King would have reacted to unemployment among African-Americans being almost twice the rate of white people and for teenagers at 42 percent. I think we all know how Dr. King would have reacted to our country being awash in guns and for more and more states passing "stand your ground" laws. I think we know how Dr. King would have reacted to people of the District of Columbia still not having full citizenship rights.
And I think we all know how Dr. King would have reacted to having more than 835,000 African-American men in prison—five times as many as when I left office—and with one-third of all African-American males being destined to be in prison in their lifetimes."
After a superhuman lifetime of service, Jimmy’s slowing down. His Sunday school classes in Plains are behind him, and he won’t be hammering any more nails for Habitat for Humanity. But he’s still making his presence known through political endorsements and occasional statements on the pressing issues of the day.
What more can we say? Happy birthday, Jimmy. In the pantheon of Most Excellent American Role Models, you stand so tall you don’t even need a pedestal.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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