“She’ll sell you out...”
Today’s the day Princess Evildoer testifies against her dad in a New York City courtroom in front of a no-nonsense judge. The Lincoln Project brings on the pre-testimony trolling...
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Goody goody.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 8, 2023
Note: [Loads fruitcake with the words HAPPY HOLIDAYS on it into catapult. Launches in direction of Fox News.] It is time. Begun, the War on Christmas has.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus: 45
Days 'til the Downtown Raleigh, North Carolina War-on-Christmas Tree Lighting: 9
Percent of mortgage holders who were underwater on their homes in September, less than half the share prior to the pandemic and the early 2000s before the Great Recession: 0.7%
Current unemployment rate: 3.9%
Number of states that have more lax gun laws than Maine, according to the Giffords Law Center, which gives the state an "F" for gun safety: 0
Number of times you should put rhinestones or other hard stick-on objects onto the middle of your steering wheel, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration: 0
Amount that late actor Matthew Perry was getting in annual residuals from the syndication of Friends: $20 million
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 3 tribulation temples and your very own Virgin Pride card). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Chillin'…
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CHEERS to the WINNERS!!! It's over. The 2023 contests are finally over. The rowdy supporters are silent. The numbers are crunched. The confetti is being swept up and the rah-rah signs are being put away. The winners are thrilled and the losers are vowing a rematch. The history books are being updated as we speak. And after all the money and effort that were spent, we can now report...
The Rangers win the World Series! The Rangers win the World Series! The Rangers win the World Series! The Rangers win the World Series! The Rangers win the World Series! The Rangers win the World Series!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey—I never said my results were timely. (And somebody please call 911, I think I just broke my uvula.)
P.S. For all the 2023 election results, see the posts by the Daily Kos Election team. They’re pretty good at what they do.
CHEERS to the winners on Team D. We didn’t sweep everything yesterday, but the 2023 elections will go down as another solid effort for Democrats and our popularity on the issues as well as get-out-the-vote efforts—we won some big ‘uns. (Kudos to you all.) As mentioned above, the Daily Kos Elections Team has all the official results, but here are a few races we're stuffing into our bulging C&J time capsule for posterity:
Kentucky Andy Beshear (D) handily won reelection to the governor's office, preventing total control of the lawmaking machine there.
Ohio Voters in the Buckeye State—my old stomping grounds—approved a citizens referendum adding abortion rights to the state constitution. Look for other states to follow Ohio's lead. Huge, huge win for women, and a big faceplant for the buckle-hatted Puritans. Recreational marijuana was also given a thumbs-up.
Rhode Island Gabe Amo (D) will be the first person of color to represent Rhode Island in Congress.
Virginny Democrats kept control of the state Senate AND FLIPPED THE HOUSE in a massive blow to the political fortunes of MAGA Governor Glenn Youngkin and his bottomless war chest. Also: Saddam Azlan Salim makes history as the first Bangladeshi American State Senator in Virginia history, and Danica Roem becomes the first state senator in a southern state.
Maine On our statewide ballot questions there were six “yeses,” two “noes” and, one “You’re a stranger ‘round these parts, ain’t ya?”
Excellent work, everyone. Democracy lives to fight another day. Or, to be more precise, another day 362 days from now.
CHEERS good readin'. On this date in 1731, Benjamin Franklin opened the first lending library—officially called "The Library Company of Philadelphia," an idea that sprang from his weekly meetings with tradesmen designed to expand their depth of knowledge. (For our Republican readers: a library is a place where normal people go to learn facts and logic and wisdom from things called books and computers, but where you go to get facts and logic and wisdom banned.) The dedication ceremony was cut short, however, thanks to strict enforcement of the colonies' first ever "3 shushes and you're out" rule.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to giving Hoover the boot. 91 years ago today, on November 8, 1932, New York Governor Franklin Roosevelt was elected president. A few verbal goodies from FDR…
"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward."
"The only sure bulwark of continuing liberty is a government strong enough to protect the interests of the people, and a people strong enough and well enough informed to maintain its sovereign control over the government."
"The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much it is whether we provide enough for those who have little."
"So, supposing we hit the body with a tremendous...whether it's ultraviolet or just very powerful light. And I think you said that hasn't been checked but you're going to test it. Sounds interesting. And then I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning? I'm not a doctor. But I'm, like, a person that has a good you-know-what."
[Memo to self: check source on that last one. Might be Jefferson?]
JEERS to SCOTUS as usual. The Supreme Court met yesterday to hear arguments for why wanna-be spouse murderers should be allowed to own guns. Here's an EXCLUSIVE partial transcript from the fountain pen nibs of our intrepid C&J legal team:
ALITO: Guns! I like guns!
CONEY BARRETT: Me too!
KAVANAUGH: I like guns and beer!
ROBERTS: I'm just an umpire—all I do is call guns and strikes.
THOMAS: Whenever I'm on vacation Harlan Crow lets me shoot one of Herman Goering's guns.
GORSUCH: I'll begin my questioning in a moment, I'm just finishing jotting down my grocery list: Eggs, Milk, Cheese, and a 6-pack of guns.
SOTOMAYOR, KAGAN, and JACKSON: [Several moments of wicked side-eye]
Well, you know what they say: the only way to stop a bad spouse with a gun is a good spouse with a gun.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 8, 2013
JEERS to the end of an era. Progress keeps on keepin' on, I guess. Blockbuster is throwing in the towel-size pack of Twizzlers at the counter and closing the last of its brick-and-mortar stores. There's a lesson here, people. This is what happens when you're not kind and don't rewind.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to revisiting a moment of irrational exuberance. One year ago this week, the doomsayers at The Wall Street Journal swore a recession was imminent. Bloomberg actually said the chance of an imminent recession was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! In fact, one year ago this week almost all the “experts” predicted that Joe Biden’s economy was destined for the crapper. So we’re actually not nauseous to mention the name Goldman Sachs in a positive light this morning, because one year ago they refused to play the click-bait Henny Penny card and instead wrote their report with clear eyes and an understanding of how strong the effect Bidenomics was having:
Goldman Sachs told clients on Monday it still sees a 35% chance of a US recession in the next 12 months. While that is double the normal risk of a recession, it is far below the 63% average in a recent forecaster survey by The Wall Street Journal.
“We still see a very plausible non-recessionary four-step path from the high-inflation economy of the present to a low-inflation economy of the future,” Goldman Sachs chief economist Jan Hatzius wrote in a report.
It's was a totally sensible, scientifically-derived path, and it worked because we were all smart enough to follow Goldman’s instructions to the letter. Step 1: Tame inflation. Step 2: Keep hiring. Step 3: Give all your money to Goldman Sachs. And Step 4: Don’t argue with Step 3, just do it. And we all lived happily ever after.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Judge Threatens to Toss Bill in Portland Maine From Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool, Warns Kos: ‘Control Him Or I Will’
—Mediaite
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