Late Night Snark: Put Up Your Dukes Edition
"A fistfight almost broke out at a congressional hearing after Senator Markwayne Mullin challenged the president of the Teamsters union to a fistfight. He challenged the president of the Teamsters to a fight??? Does he have a death wish? The two things I learned growing up in New York were, never mess with the Teamsters and don’t drink that Snapple you found on the subway."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"All in all, it was a week that showed a legislative body on its last nerve. As a spokesperson for Mitch McConnell put it: 'Today is another example of why Congress shouldn’t be in session for five weeks straight—weird things happen.' To which I say: totally. But also did you know that most people—and this is true—work ten times that many weeks in a row, and manage not to physically or emotionally assault their colleagues?"
—John Oliver, on House Republicans picking fights with Democrats, committee witnesses, and each other
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Please—no wassailing. Too soon.
"Marjorie Taylor Greene just released her first memoir. It's the first memoir written in all caps. It's titled Are You There, Lizard People? It's Me, Marjorie. You can find it in bookstores heckling other books."
—Jimmy Fallon
"This week the UAE hosts the annual United Nations climate conference, where countries from all over the world pretend to care about the climate crisis. Maybe you think I'm being cynical about this, but apparently the UAE is planning to use the climate conference to make new oil and gas deals. That might sound scandalous, but this is what they've always done. It's like giving hand jobs at Jesus Camp."
—The Daily Show Guest Host Michelle Wolf
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Clip of Steve Doocy on Fox & Friends: Joe Biden will not be elected if hamburger is six dollars a pound. America cannot survive on six-dollar-a-pound hamburger, period!
Brian Kilmeade: And here's why, Steve. It's not just hamburger. It also hurts Hamburger Helper!
Jimmy Kimmel: Great point. When Donald Trump was president, Hamburger Helper was an official White House cabinet position.
—Jimmy Kimmel Live
"The Supreme Court is addressing recent allegations of ethical lapses by adopting a new code of conduct, replacing their old code of conduct: money up front, no kissing on the mouth."
—Michael Che, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 1, 2023
Note: The great thing about C&J’s notes is that when one lett r goes out the rest stay lit.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first night of Hanukkah: 6
Days 'til the Lighted Boat Parade and Fireworks in Sausalito, California: 8
Revised U.S. economic growth in the 3rd quarter, revised upward from 4.9% by the Commerce Department: 5.2%
Percent of Americans polled by Data for Progress who believe state lawmakers should not be allowed to implement full bans on, and criminal penalties for, abortion and gender-affirming medical care: 55%
Percent of eligible Maine voters who cast ballots (410,040 total) in the 2023 off-year elections: 37%
Year Rockefeller Center workers pitched in to buy the first Christmas tree (20 feet tall) there: 1931
Height of this year's tree, a Norway Spruce from Vestal, New York covered with 50,000 LED lights: 80 feet
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Sup, bro?"
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CHEERS to December. The year's glorious, sparkling, musical, snow-bedecked, bell-ringing, Norman Rockwellesque grand finale. Bring on the swans a' swimming, spin your dreidels (Hanukkah starts the night of the 7th) and air your Festivus grievances (the 23rd).
Bring on the full "cold moon" (the 26th). Bring on the winter solstice. Bring on C&J’s 20th(!!!) anniversary. Bring on the last-minute flurry of madness in Congress! Bring on new revelations in Trump’s criminal trials! Bring on the latest Covid booster! Bring on the sequels—if we must—to Aquaman, Willy Wonka (actually a prequel), Godzilla, and Chicken Run! Also: check the expiration date on the eggnog that's been sitting in the back of your fridge since 1999 before you take a swig. And settle your differences with 2023 because in 30 days it’s out the door and ain't comin' back. I believe I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say: "Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya."
JEERS to December. The year's stress-filled, bone chilling, dark-by-3, be-cheerful-or-else, and oh-here comes a-giant-blizzard grand finale. The Harry Simeone choir will make curmudgeons' ears bleed with enough pa-rum-pum-pum-pums to choke a horse, and you just know there are several beloved mega-celebrities who will inconvenience us by dying this month.
There’s the Pearl Harbor anniversary to remind us how few of our WW II heroes remain above ground. Our cat will take up her favorite December tradition of batting glass ornaments off the tree for us to step on in the middle of the night. With the MAGA cult still hellbent on abolishing democracy and establishing a Fourth Reich in America, the wise among us will forgo candy canes and instead hang holiday-themed Prozac dispensers. Plus: I just guzzled a bunch of eggnog before checking the expiration date, so nice knowin’ ya. I believe I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say: "Bah humbug."
JEERS to stepping in dog poo. That's what the United States did when it accepted Henry Kissinger through its borders as the future genocidal madman escaped the genocidal madman du jour in 1938. After getting his tentacles into the U.S. government, our reputation reached new levels of stinkola. Well, he's dead now. And one opinion we wouldn’t want to get lost in the din of opinions is that of late columnist Molly Ivins, who wrote in 2006:
I try not to hold grudges, but I must admit I have never lost one ounce of rancor toward Henry Kissinger, that cynical, slithery, self-absorbed pathological liar. He has all the loyalty and principle of Charles Talleyrand, whom Napoleon described as "a piece of dung in a silk stocking." […]
As for Kissinger's getting the Nobel Peace Prize, it is a thing so wrong it has come to define wrongness—as in, "As weird as the time Henry Kissinger got the Nobel Peace Prize."
Tom Lehrer, who was a lovely political satirist, gave up satire after that blow.
They say only the good die young. Kissinger added fuel to that adage when he died this week. At 100.
P.S. Speaking of departures, Congressman, pathological liar, and criminal defendant George Santos (MAGA Cult-NY) was expelled from Congress today. I only have one thing to say about it: they shoulda held a lottery to determine the lucky duck who had the honor of changing the locks on his office door. We would’ve erased half the federal deficit in minutes.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to parking your kiester for equality. On December 1, 1955, black seamstress Rosa Parks, who was also secretary of the local branch of the NAACP and trained in nonviolent civil disobedience long before John Lewis labeled it "good trouble," refused to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama public bus. The bus driver, James Blake, said he was just doing his job when he ratted her out. But history reveals his job apparently also included being a jerk:
Once, after she had paid her fare at the front, he had ordered her to board the bus at the rear and then, before she could do so, driven off.
On other occasions he had ostentatiously driven past the stop at which she was waiting.
As for Parks, she wasn't the first black American to challenge the discriminatory rules of public transportation. But in this case, her arrest and the ensuing boycott of the bus system—led by budding activist Martin Luther King, Jr.—became a signature event of the civil rights protest movement. I don’t like to play the game of "What If,” but I'd bet dollars to doughnuts she'd be rooting for the success of the #BlackLivesMatter movement. Yeah—going out on limbs is my business.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Remember the days when the TV had to "warm up" for like 60 seconds or more before it would even think of giving you a picture, and the channel changer went ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK? Ha ha, good times.
For news junkies, the weekend starts tonight with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew making sense of the latest crazy happy newsy time. On Firing Line (8:30, PBS), Journalist and Nobel Peace Prize winner Maria Ressa talks with Margaret Hoover about the scumbags (my word, not theirs) on social media who saturate the world with fake news and revisionist history. Or you can catch a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 on the CW.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (The new Godzilla movie is getting raves.) The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Emma Stone hosts Saturday Night Live.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: reports on the Israel/Palestine-related U.S. campus protests, and a profile of Barbie director Greta Gerwig. Groundskeeper Willie is kidnapped and taken to Scotland on The Simpsons, while Peter and the guys launch a male talk show on Family Guy. And the weekend wraps up at 11pm Sunday on HBO with a fresh plate of John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Lindsey Graham (Trump’s Butt-SC).
This Week: White House NSC Coordinator for Strategic Communications John Kirby; Israeli Minister of Strategic Affairs Ron Dermer; Sen. James Lankford (MAGA Cult-OK); former RNC chair Reince Priebus offers an update on how his “rebranding” of the party is going. (Spoiler alert: Not well.)
Face the Nation: Reps. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA) and Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH); Govs. Jared Polis (D-CO) and Spencer Cox (MAGA Cult-UT); Chris Christie.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Michael Waltz (MAGA Cult-FL); new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Charles Q. Brown Jr.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 1, 2013
JEERS to accidents waiting to happen. And now, a few reasons why Amazon.com won’t be delivering purchases by drone anytime soon:
"My bushes!"
"My car!"
"My roof!"
"My mailbox!"
"My tomatoes!"
"My eyes!"
"My cat!"
"My 'Ted Cruz for President' yard sign!!!"
"My Moufff!"
And the #1 reason: "Mr. Bezos…meet my lawyer."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to running another ring around the sun. Happy Birthday (and many blessings on your camels, along with a giant slice of key lime pie) tomorrow to Michael (aka "Common Sense Mainer" here), my sweetie of 30 years, who turns [Redacted] today. Wow, [redacted] years. I won’t divulge exactly how spring-chickeny or ancient he is, but here are a few clues from the history archives circa nineteen hundred and [redacted]…
> Kennedy was president and dealing with the Cuban missile crisis
> Tuition to Harvard cost $1,250
> The first Beatles single was released
> Gas was 28 cents per gallon
> To Kill A Mockingbird and Lawrence of Arabia were released
> John Glenn orbited the earth
> The Berlin wall was fresh and new
> Johnny Carson began his reign as king of late night TV
> The Space Needle in Seattle, Washington was completed in time for the World's Fair
> Marvel’s Spider-Man made his debut in the Amazing Fantasy #15 comic book
He shares his birthday today with Britney Spears (41), Lucy Liu (55), and Stone Phillips (68). And if they're true to form, tomorrow I'll get a call from the cops around 2am, and shortly thereafter I'll give my sweetie his traditional present: bail.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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