So as some of you might know, I graduated last week from college with a bachelor’s in anthropology, that I started in 1987. Great, right? I worked hard and all that. It still seems a little unreal. But my jerk brain won’t STFU.
I have to apply for grad school by Feb 1, which would be fine if I could afford the application fee, but I also have to have 3 letters of recommendation, and I only have 2. I also bombed my last final completely and ended up with a C for the class. So it looks like my GPA will fall just a hair under the requirements for grad school. I can probably get a waiver for that, and I have asked someone to be my 3rd letter writer, I just haven’t heard back from them and it’s always in the back of my mind.
What happens if I don’t get in? I will lose my freaking mind. Everything I want in my future is dependent on 2 more degrees, Dr Mortifyd is the goal, and a lab of my own. So naturally my jerk brain is doing everything it can to make things worse.
I used to be a very confidant kid who didn’t let shit get me down, but as I got older that went away and this constant cloud of anxiety descended on me. I overthink my overthinking. I eat my feelings. I struggle to advocate for myself. I have a great therapist and I’ve come a long way in the last 5 almost 6 years, but right now I’m really struggling. I spend far too many hours in bed with the covers pulled over my head because I’m stressed. (yay BIPAP machine) I’ve already done one emergency therapy session this month, and texts on graduation day as well. But a large part of me believes that because I need this to happen to make things work — it won’t.
I don’t know how to shake that. I learned early not to hope for things, or ask for them — the answer was always “no”. That went for everything from hugs to encouragement to things I actually needed to improve my life. Not to say I lived in a cage or anything, but I was an afterthought for my parents because my brother is diabetic. They just didn’t pay attention to me unless I did something wrong, or something they perceived as wrong. I was grounded for 3 days because I can’t trill my Rs. Still can’t. But because my parents and brother could, I was just being a lazy pain in the ass, so I was banished to my room for 3 days. And there were 1000 little things just like that.
Now I have a pretty good relationship with my mum, but she still does that shit to me. We were talking the other day and I mentioned something about being autistic and having a different perspective as a result, and she goes, “And you’re so damn proud of it aren’t you. Always trying to be special.” *sigh*
So I don’t know what to do, or how to break this cycle of anxiety and self doubt that constantly drags me under. And it sucks.
