And Now...2023 In A Nutshell
I’m not opening it. If you want to open it, go right ahead. I’ll be downstairs drinking.
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 29, 2023
Note: We’ll will be off Monday, and we'll return Tuesday to kick off our 2024 season. From all of us at C&J HQ: Happy New Year and we wish you much crispy, yummy, zesty coleslaw in the year ahead.
—A message from me and the National Coleslaw Board, which ended the year with an extra $3 in PR money to throw at me
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth’s Rotation Day, to commemorate when French Physicist Leon Foucault demonstrated the Earth rotates on its axis in 1851: 10
Days 'til the New Year's Eve Dropping of the Conch Shell in Key West: 2
Average gas price during 2023: $3.51
Expected average gas price during 2024, according to GasBuddy, meaning we'll spend about $32 billion less on gas next year: $3.38
Percent of gift cards that are used within six months of receiving them: 70%
Year that Auld Lang Syne was written by Robert Burns: 1788
Years during which Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians performed Auld Lang Syne on New Year's Eve: 1939-1977
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to treating a traitor like a traitor. Memo to the MAGA crowd and their media enablers: the previous president took his shot at trying to violently overthrow the government of the United States via insurrection…and failed. Too bad, so sad. That old rag known as the U.S. Constitution says—quite clearly—that he is no longer eligible to be president. The Colorado Supreme Court understood this and ruled accordingly. And last night Maine became the second state to see the forest for the treason:
[Secretary of State Shenna] Bellows concluded that Mr. Trump’s primary petition is invalid. Specifically, the Secretary ruled that the declaration on his candidate consent form is false because he is not qualified to hold the office of the President under Section Three of the Fourteenth Amendment.
“[T]he record establishes that Mr. Trump, over the course of several months and culminating on January 6, 2021, used a false narrative of election fraud to inflame his supporters and direct them to the Capitol to prevent certification of the 2020 election and the peaceful transfer of power. I likewise conclude that Mr. Trump was aware of the likelihood for violence and at least initially supported its use given he both encouraged it with incendiary rhetoric and took no timely action to stop it. […]
The weight of the evidence makes clear that Mr. Trump was aware of the tinder laid by his multi-month effort to delegitimize a democratic election, and then chose to light a match.”
We hear Senator Susan Collins is so concerned she's spent the last 48 hours trying to raise an eyebrow.
CHEERS to fighting the haters. Thanks to an unholy alliance between red state governors and conservative evangelical churches—hypocrites one and all—the LGBTQ movement found itself under a full-on assault in 2023. The latter signed bills into law that took away parental rights in the home and the classroom, and the latter threw all that "love thy neighbor" nonsense into the trash and called for the literal deaths of LGBTQers who have the audacity to a) exist and b) exercise their right to pursue happiness. Next year will be no different, but on the bright side, there was a bright side for the community, with a slew of positive court decisions and blue-state protections, along with greater representation in the halls of power:
This year’s court and legislative wins were also accompanied by historic gains in political representation. According to the LGBTQ+ Victory Fund, at least 230 out queer and trans candidates won their elections in 2023. That number is a record for a year outside the midterm and presidential election cycle, and it includes several significant milestones.
Fabian Nelson, a 38-year-old realtor, became the first-ever LGBTQ+ candidate to win election in Mississippi, where he will represent District 66 in the state House. Rue Landau made history as the first LGBTQ+ member of Philadelphia’s city council, while Danica Roem became the first trans state senator in the U.S. South (after previously becoming America’s first out trans lawmaker in 2017). Roem will be joined next year by eight other LGBTQ+ representatives in the Virginia Legislature, all of whom won their elections.
After a few difficult years, it’s the small and the big wins that renew [the Human Rights Campaign’s Geoff] Wetrosky’s faith that the fight for LGBTQ+ rights is an “ascendant movement.” He says that achieving full equality will continue to take sustained effort and dedication, but he believes it’s more than possible—it’s inevitable. “Around 2,200 LGBTQ+ folks turn 18 every single day,” he says. “We did a study last year finding that close to 20% of the electorate, by 2040, will be LGBTQ+. Our power is only growing.”
Besides, the haters really, really need us. I mean, have you seen their hair and their clothes and their makeup and the inside of their homes? Oh. My. Gawd.
JEERS to the curse of Nostrabillydamus. At the start of every December I write the same thing in C&J: "You just know there are several beloved celebrities who will inconvenience us by dying this month." And here we are. The latest to leave us, admittedly at a ripe old age: former Democratic Wisconsin Senator Herb Kohl ("If a multimillionaire could be a man of the people, Kohl was that man.")…and Tommy Smothers, who with his brother Dick mixed politics and humor on TV and paid a price for it, courtesy of the management hacks at CBS. This has been my favorite (non-political) Smothers bit ever since I first heard it on a record. The timing...
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We wish Tommy (86) and Herb (88) a safe trip up yonder. Fearless prediction: by the time the elevator reaches the top, Kohl will be a yo-yo-master.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to the great Republican vanishing act. Five years ago, under the cover of darkness, House Republicans led by Trey Gowdy and Bob Goodlatte, having reached the end of their witch hunt, issued their final word on exactly what they found during their investigations of Hillary's emails and the FBI's alleged Deep State conspiracy against Trump. And here it is:
She remains...unlocked-up.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Not much on the tube this weekend, which will give you ample time to watch some great movies on that new Betamax home movie system you got for Christmas. (I'm so jealous. All I got from my parents was The Best of Bread, Vol. 2 and Chicago VII.) The most exciting thing tonight is the classic “Evil Spock” episode of Star Trek on the H&I Network at 8, during which we’ll be live-tweeting via the #allstartrek hashtag.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. SNL is airing a rerun of the show hosted recently by Willy Wonk...er, Timothee Chalamet.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: fresh out of things to investigate, the correspondents go after each other undercover and expose some seriously f****d-up sh*t. And while NBC airs the Upper Midwest Bowl game between Green Bay and Minnesota, CBS, CNN, and ABC are running their annual live New Year’s countdown shows, while MSNBC airs (“live,” they say) a conversation between Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow on the fight to preserve our democracy, and Fox News runs Who is Barbie? , a show about a doll that’s almost as plastic as the network’s anchors.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: Rep. Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH); former Trump White House officials Alyssa Farah Griffin, Cassidy Hutchinson, and Sarah Matthews.
Meet the Press: Senator John Fetterman (D-PA); Governors Spencer Cox (MAGA Cult-UT) and Jared Polis (D-CO).
Face the Nation: Mayors Mike Johnston (D-Denver) and Brandon Johnson (D-Chicago).
CNN's State of the Union: Rep, Jamie Raskin (D-MD); Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT); Governor Chris Sununu (MAGA Cult-NH), the idiot who backed Nikki Haley HA HA HA HA DUMBASS!!!
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Reps. Tony Gonzales (MAGA Cult-TX) and Henry Cuellar (D-TX); Jared Bernstein of the White House Council of Economic Advisers.
Happy viewing!
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17 years ago in C&J: December 29, 2006
CHEERS to Gerald Ford. The longest-living U.S. president, who brought a little sanity back to the White House after Nixon resigned (but jeers for the pardon and launching the political careers of Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney), has died at 93. And suddenly the residents of Heaven who live next to a golf course fairway are very nervous.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to special deliveries. That Louis DeJoy. What a postmaster. He really cares, based on this totally official-looking email I found in my in-box Tuesday:
Dear Customer,
We were unable to deliver your parcel US9516789935279
We require additional details to attempt to re-delivery this package. The address provided also appears to be incomplete. In addition to payment information.
Fees to pay: 0.99 Dollar
Date: 26/12/2023
At the bottom it contains a special tracking link that goes not to USPS.com but to "feudhl.com" with a bunch of numbers after it.
Y'know, despite the odd "0.99 Dollar" and date expressed as day-month-year instead of month-day-year, and the tracking number that gives me nothing but an error message, and the fact that I never sent a package that he’s attempting to “re-delivery,” I can only conclude that this email was sent personally, out of extreme concern for my satisfaction as a customer, by Postmaster DeJoy himself. On the next-to-next-to-last day of the year, Louie appears to have turned over a new leaf and left the dark side behind, making 2023 the BEST YEAR EVER.
And we all lived happily ever after. The End.
Have a great weekend and Happy New Year. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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