Oh, man, Republicans are really digging deep for reasons why cannabis should stay illegal. It’s a little like watching Donald Trump Jr. desperately grasp at coke straws. Of course, weed has never been the scourge the GOP pretends it is. Donald Trump may have killed more people in the span of 30 seconds with his unsolicited wellness tips than marijuana has (directly, anyway) in 100 years.
That said, some anti-weed arguments are more risible than others, and now we’ve seen one that really takes the hash cake.
So this dude, who sounds a bit like a ‘70s After-school Special written by a stoned capuchin monkey, thinks he’s stumbled on the mic-drop argument against legal marijuana. Oh, but you’ve probably already guessed it, eh? Yes, that’s right: It would lead to an unprecedented spike in the canine unemployment rate.
Ladies and degenerates, Minnesota state Sen. John Jasinski! Give him a hand—assuming you can pull your bespoke wizard bong away from your aerosol cheese-festooned face for more than five seconds, that is.
Watch:
Transcript!
JOHN JASINSKI: “You know, the police dog discussion of all that and retraining. What’s it going to cost our local law enforcement agencies who’ve done these dogs, who’ve spent thousands and thousands of dollars on these dogs, to get these dogs drug-trained, and now they’re going to have to be retired? That’s a big issue. […] I was the mayor of Faribault and they actually did a fundraising campaign to raise money to get a police dog, to have a drug dog. And now that money is going to go away because these dogs can’t be used anymore, given that. So there’s a huge cost there.”
Oh, God, no. I never thought of that. It’s like when the Nazis were forced to shut down all their POW camps. Some of those German shepherds were never the same. I’d also like to see him explain his reasoning to a stoner. “Sure, you’ve been fighting for years to secure your rights as a free, tax-paying citizen, but the town of Faribault just bought a K-9. And it was fucking expensive, man. Also, to be frank, your rancid, weed-denuded nuts aren’t going to simply chomp themselves.”
Of course, there’s a reason Jasinski is suddenly concerned about roving packs of unemployed, disaffected dogs menacing the Land of 10,000 Tokes. Minnesota’s legislature is considering becoming the third Great Lakes state, after Illinois and Michigan, to legalize the recreational use of cannabis.
Heartland Signal:
Rep. Zach Stephenson (DFL-Coon Rapids) introduced the adult-use cannabis bill in the Minnesota Legislature last month. With Democratic majorities in both chambers of the state legislature, and Gov. Tim Walz (DFL) in the governor’s mansion, it is seemingly only a matter of time before the bill is put into law.
“Minnesotans are ready for this change,” Stephenson said in his opening remarks Thursday. “Our current laws about cannabis are doing more harm than good, and Minnesotans deserve the freedom and respect to make their own decisions about cannabis.”
Then again, legalization proponents may not have considered all of cannabis’ potential side effects.
If Minnesota’s cannabis-legalization bill passes—and that looks pretty likely given the current makeup of the state legislature—it will leave Wisconsin virtually alone on Prohibition Island in America’s Great Lakes region. (Ohio’s legislature approved medical cannabis in late 2016, and is on the verge of full legalization.) Badger Staters will have to continue to numb their minds by drinking barrels of brandy and gaping into the yawning, inky abyss behind Sen. Ron Johnson’s rheumy eyes.
But hey, at least their drug-sniffing dogs won’t all be on the dole.
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